A Lover's Hustle

Acquiescence

2011-12-24T03:21:00.002-06:00

Waving the white flag

surrendering to my thoughts

In complete submission to you

A victory you win over and over again

I wish you’d collect your prize already

And leave

But I surrender

Distance has no space

Time has no tick

Submerged in numbing tranquility

A silence so piercing

totally blinding the mind’s eye

I wish you’d feel this pain I feel

And leave

But I surrender

Fill my mind with your ever being

Overflow my eyes with your beauty

Replay every memory shared with you

Over and over

Again and again

Fill me up with the lies

Because you know the truth kills me

Please don’t leave

I surrender

This white flag I wave

Stained with the blood of my heart

All I have are these memories

Living vicariously through these fantasies

I surrender to every thought of you

Painfully indulged in silent … acquiescence

The Jaded Truth

2011-11-09T21:21:00.000-06:00

Slowly falling out of love, but still in love with being in love. As days go by, less and less thoughts are devoted to my past. I'm enjoying this conscious journey, and it's a very humbling experience to say the least. My senses are at an indescribable peak. I've seemed to have fallen in love with a lot of things that I'd forgotten about while on my dead end chase of hopeless fantasies. It's been really nice to get back to the basics, but there are still old habits lurking in the shadows. Whoever said those suckers die hard wasn't lying! I'm focused though nonetheless. I've come too far to turn back now.

Yesterday, I found out one of my exes were getting married. I had mixed feelings about that discovery. Her and I talk via messenger everyday during the week, and she didn't tell me this. I don't think she would've told me at all actually. Our relationship is very....questionable. I definitely know that she doesn't consider me a friend. I really don't know where I stand in her life. I have still proven that I'd do anything for her, and come to her side when I felt I was needed. However, I still feel like I'm held at a distance greater than necessary. Our conversation has dwindled down to a mere "good morning" everyday. I don't really know the motive or point of her coming back around. It all started over again so...familiar, but quickly changed. I'm in that "stranger" category again. It's annoying. I do NOT like being skeptical of where I stand in a person's life. Especially, when I know exactly where they stand in mine. I did wish her the best after I discovered the news. I'm completely in dark about that relationship, and that's very well since it's none of my business. I have my own thoughts about the whole thing, but they are clearly irrelevant. Much peace and many blessings to their new journey either way.

My current thoughts on love are still quite jaded. I have that bitter taste resting comfortably on my taste buds. I have faith in His plan for me, so therefore I hold no regret in my heart. However, I'm still irritated with all the time spent and the events of my love life over the past two years. There is so many things I would've done differently, and damn sure some things I wouldn't have done at all. It's all part of the plan though. I'm supposed to be where I'm at in life and love right now. These thoughts and feelings I'm having are all right on schedule. The one sided burned bridge torched by the current face of love is a pre-written event in my book of life. There is probable reason behind it. So to question it would be absurd actually. Especially, if I have so much trust in my future. As hard as it is to grasp for me; I know that everybody is not meant to stay in your world for a lifetime. That's a sad truth.

Right now I honestly have no interest in meeting anyone new. Depending on the surfaced motive, I might turn them away if they came around at this point. Actually, I've already done that twice thus far. I just don't have much trust in people anymore. I've been hyped up on faulty loyalty one time too many. I'm over it. I'm loving this time spent with self. Falling in love with myself again has been amazing. I've missed my smile, and I see that again every morning when I wake up. I just don't want to get familiar with the life of a stranger, and after the time is invested they end up being everything they portrayed themselves not to be. Right now, I'm good. My happiness is growing within every waking moment. I'm just consciously speaking on the aftermath of it all.

Peace.

The Law Of Life

2011-11-01T20:33:00.002-05:00

I'm extremely excited about the start of this new month. November, welcomed in the warmest manner ever when I opened my eyes this morning. I felt as if I woke up with a squeaky clean slate. Even cleaner than the one I woke up with yesterday morning. The bible says that every new day is promised its own set of anxieties, but I didn't feel that way this morning. I felt brand new. I reflected on the past two experiences of October, and all in between. The changes are GREAT, and very distinct. I remember a dark point in last month when I desperately prayed to God, and asked him to just take it all back. I didn't think I could go on living with certain memories. As hard as I was trying, and as far as I had come; I just wasn't reaching what I felt was the end of turmoil fast enough. He did me one better though. Instead, He saw me through, and provided me with a new beginning. I'm very thankful to say the least.

Although, I'm closing some chapters in my life that I never even imagined would run out of a place for words; change is indeed the law of life. Change never really has to have a negative connotation, but as a human filled with fears; it sometimes seems like the WORST. I'm trying to live each day in a more conscious manner. Holding myself 100% accountable for all of my actions. I just feel I have to be totally aware in order to change in the most positive way set out. I understand that I not only have to change my everyday ways, but my entire way of thinking. I have quite a bit of things to spill, but I think I'll chill. Bottom line, my current goal is to become 100% emotionally unavailable to my past. I've held it accountable for the current conditions of my mind and heart for far too long. If I'm blessed to see today; then the things of yesterday shouldn't hold me down for any reason at all. The past has indeed played it's part in my life, and it's chewed me up, spit me out into the present. I choose to get up, and walk with a different stride, and keep a smile plastered on my face.

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or

present are certain to miss the future."

- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Another Dawn

2011-10-06T17:40:00.002-05:00

"It's a little late now to fix a heart that's broken. Please don't ask me where I'm going. I don't know. No I don't know anymore...." - Corinne Bailey Rae

It's a new day brightened with a new sun. The friends and foes are blended together as one. So therefore, the road in which I choose is a lonely one. So many opinions, so many suggestions, and so many perceptions. I honestly don't know where to turn, and I'd be a fool to believe in another breathing being. At the end of everyday, nobody comes home to my empty house and nobody has to survive any of my sleepless nights. So many of my feelings invalidated by the ignorance of people. My struggle is steady being knocked left and right, because it's foreign to the outside universe of myself. There's so much truth within the words I choose NOT to speak. In reality, living one day with the same heart and mind of mine would kill the next muthafucka'. Go one day with what I go through, and THEN tell me I'm not strong. I try my best to spare feelings nowadays; all the while the rest "oh well" and never-mind mine. Humph, shmucks.

"Joy cometh in the morning." Or so it's said, and so I pray before I retire to bed. I await a new dawn that will totally demolish my past, tidy up my current, and light up my future. The current mistakes that I'm making, hmm well; consequently, it's my own heart that I'm breaking. However, I have to learn my own lessons in life, in love. I have to fight the battles I'm too stubborn to give to God. My patience is ran thin in waiting for Him to bring it all to an end. I'm in the ring one deep, the gloves are on, and I'm kicking my own ASS. Knowing better results in doing better. However, depending on the doer; it's sometimes easier said than done. Speaking of, one day soon I will be DONE. What doesn't need to matter....WON'T in the very near future. Until then, I go through what I go through, and I survive. That is done by my damn SELF! Even the closest ones don't call my phone to check on me. The lonely road conditions me with a strength unreachable to most. I'm learning more and more everyday that what I yearn for in others, is damn sure not what I need. That's another perception severely crushed by the reality God keeps me currently keeps me submerged in. I find a reason to smile everyday. Sometimes not all day, but at least once on the worst day. Myself and God sees my progress even when nobody else does. So what's understood between us, doesn't need to be explained. Right now, I'm just praying for another dawn....

P.S. - Days can sometimes get weary even on the freedom train. Don't get it twisted, and know that I'm STILL holding my ticket.

Test

2011-09-29T14:59:00.001-05:00

I'm just testing my blogger app in how it post pictures. I took these pics at the Houston Museum of Natural Science.

The Expected

2011-09-29T08:02:00.002-05:00

Today I feel rather blah. I've been having such a positive week. Trying to remain focused on my goals, and keeping my energy focused on what is liable to get me further in life. However, the expected is occurring; I miss the feeling. I can't say I miss her, because I haven't had the pleasure of her in months. The addiction of love can oh so easily cross the line of misery. Especially, if the love you miss turned out to be the very cause of your pain. So I miss the feeling of misery? I mean because, that's all it adds up to.
I had the same feelings when I was trying to get over my ex. It's such a guilty feeling, because I know I shouldn't be feeling it. It's to be expected though. I just have to pray and shake it off. I refuse to give into the temptation of the skeletons of my past. Besides, I've already given way too much of myself to my past. Now I owe everything I have left to my future. This too shall pass.
Still aboard this Freedom Train, and trusting in His route !

A Liberated Destiny

2011-09-23T10:45:00.000-05:00

Now boarding the freedom train.

In the musical bliss of Coltrane.
Growth sprouting from my pain.
Clear sunny skies & no rain.
To remain shackled…

Would be a damn shame!

These past couple of days have been clear and breezy, like a bright sunny day. My mind surprisingly didn’t have a cloud in sight. It’s like my heart caught a severe case of amnesia, and appeared to be everything less than heavy. Simply put, I feel good. This is, despite the constant troubles of the world we live in today. Respect and peace to Troy Davis, by the way. But “ain’t nobody worryin’” right? RIGHT. Smh.

I feel like I’d been up for parole, and my release date came EARLY. Being psychologically and emotionally shackled can shake the soul and damage the body in more ways than one. “Slowly, surely I walk away from” & enough is enough! As fucked up as the world is; it’s still a sight to see! It’s constantly turning, and it has been doing so without me! I’m trying to maintain a humble sprit on this slow journey to freedom, but I’m so close, I can taste it. & it tastes G O O D !

Just call me Harriet Tubman, because I got my ticket & I’m riding one deep on this FREEDOM TRAIN!

The Explanation

2011-09-15T15:06:00.000-05:00

I’ve been trying to find a way to start this blog again, and keep it going. I’ve seemed to have lost the momentum in my passion. Life has been a bit of a struggle; not only in love, but in many aspects of my life. I thought I lost my muse. I thought I lost my will. I thought I lost my ambition. I thought I lost my drive. I even thought I lost my faith. I forgot about my dreams. I forgot about my future. I ignored my present, and I’ve been stumbling over the skeletons of my past. I’ve been out here hustling. On a diehard hustle for love. I’ve been chasing love all of this time. I’ve been handing my heart over to strangers, and holding them responsible for the great loss of myself. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Isn’t that what they say? Well, I’ve been in the wrong place, on the wrong day, and at the wrong time.

The pieces of me are scattered about my past. On the different coordinates of the map. On the routes I chose to take in love. With every tear, every sleepless night, every ache, and every pain; I lost a little piece of me. I went against everything I believed in. The core values of the woman that I am still resides inside of me, and I’ve been trying so hard to redeem myself. The year is rounding near it’s end, and I have a goal to meet. I’ve peeled back every layer of myself, and I feel so vulnerable and exposed to the world. I feel like when people look at me; they see every flaw, blemish and bruise. They see all my pain and they can smell my weaknesses from afar. There has been a fear set in me, and it’s caused me to just….stop. I’ve been so caught up in the superficial thrills of “love” diluted and polluted with illusion and lust. Constantly drowning in the shallow waters on a lonely beach.

I’ve lost my damn mind…

There’s no one else to blame, but me. I’ve been existing in a reality below my potential. My standards have been tremendously lowered, and intertwined within the excuse of comfortableness. I’ve been settling for less. Taking any old thing from any old body. Life has just been…blah. Chasing love gave me a bit of a challenge; or so I thought, but in reality I just ended up putting too much focus in the wrong people. All I did was end up hurting myself, and ended up losing more of myself every time. My mind has been nothing less than idle. I’ve had very little mental stimulation, and my thoughts have become chaotic. The outcome; I’m an emotional wreck. On the contrary, there is a different me on the other side of this mountain, and I’m anxious to see the woman in the mirror beyond the alps. This reckless journey was not traveled in vain. All that I thought was lost and forgotten, still exists. Oh and my muse? It still resides everywhere around. It seeps from the positive energy and light brought forth from my friends and family. It exists behind the melody, within the lyrics; soulfully bouncing throughout the music . My muse still resides in….ME.

I’ll never stop hustling in life and love. My perception is a bit more clear now, but I’ll remain in solitude until I can shake off this last bit of debris from my garments. No regrets, because we all need a little bit of dirt to grow. Now, I choose to travel forth with no rear views. I respect and accept all that is my past. It helped mold and shape me into who I am. My value is greater than it’s ever been. However, I refuse to look back on anything and anyone NOT looking back at me. What’s done is done, and it’s all been charged to the game of life and love.

In It To Win It

2011-05-08T17:55:00.001-05:00

Love has chewed me up and spat me out, but I'm still standing. I won't give up on love, because I know God has a definite plan for me. All the crap I have endured over the years; I know that whenever it comes, it'll be great.

This has to be by far the longest test in patience yet, lol. It's becoming harder and harder to separate the real from the fake. Everyone who says the word doesn't mean the word. Infatuation is a muthafucka. That temporary love seems to be what I keep getting wrapped in. Not temporary on my part, but the part of the one I mistakenly put my trust in. The love I'm constantly giving I can't seem to get in return. I'm no longer bitter. I'm trying to remain humble. Although I slip up from time to time.

The loves real and fake who have come and gone, conditioned me. Taught me great lessons no doubt. I'm still in it to win it though. In the end I will get who I deserve.

Back To The Hustle

2011-03-31T06:57:00.000-05:00

I've got to get back to my passion. I've been living life. I've been hustling in this love scene, and I've got plenty of stories to tell. I'm just a believer that you have to live it fully before you tell it. I feel as if I've almost reached steady grounds. I'll be back...

Lonely Love

2011-01-03T21:01:00.000-06:00

Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all. - Toni Morrison

Somebody asked me the other day if I've ever had the feeling of being in love alone. Unfortunately my answer was yes. The feeling is almost indescribable. It brings about a pain so great when faced with the reality of it all. Being lonely in love is very common in a lot of relationships. One of the partner's feelings reaches a specific destination before the others. It can be a very frustrating and challenging experience. It will take a lot of patience to get through, if able. Sometimes the other partner's feelings never arrive to that destination. Love is apart of life, and it's all a gamble. You just never know what you're getting into. You never know what you'll get out of it if anything at all.

Lately, I've been on an emotional roller coaster with love. My feelings are wanting to rum at rapid speeds to this destination unknown, but I know I'll be leaving behind those feelings of another. All was laid out on the table what was ready to be faced and what wasn't. Two souls on different pages, however we face the same direction. Only one of us might get there before the other if such feelings aren't slowed down. I truly don't want to experience the feeling of being in love alone again. For once, I want to see eye to eye with my partner, and head down our destined path together in love.

Year's End:Year's Beginning - New Directon for Love

2011-01-02T15:02:00.000-06:00

Here we are, another year has ended, and another year has begun. This past year in love has been very disappointing for me. More illusions, more impostors, and more parodies of the real thing. In which, I haven't got a chance to experience again. Although, I didn't get where I wanted to get in love this past year; it wasn't a complete failure. I learned a lot. Many lessons came about from what was and what could've been. I lost a lot of time, money and energy on some very unworthy and ungrateful people. These facts I cannot change, and if anything, they taught me not to settle for less. I lowered my standards something serious last year. Not just in love, but in many situations in my life. I refuse to do that this year. This will require me leaving things and people in the dust. I'm still facing reality, but I'm facing it with a different mindset. No longer am I facing it in fear.

This year I plan to take love in a totally different direction. It's love for myself above all else. I'm one who has been known to get lost in love. Distracted in love. I've been known to be no good in love. I lose all sense of what's REAL. I vowed to never do that again after my last relationship. I've chosen not to rush this love thing. I'm in a situation right now; where I feel like I can't get what I want. This is only God's way of telling me that I don't NEED it right now. I hear Him loud and clear. I've decided to redirect my focus. I have so many things I want to accomplish in life. I can't put them on hold for love anymore. I've been worrying about the wrong things and the wrong people for quite some time now. Some might consider my new direction as being somewhat of a silent ultimatum, and that's okay. I'm making major choices for myself this year, and it's going to be up to those around me if they want to be in my life or not. I'm honestly not letting that be a concern of mine anymore. People come and they go, and those who choose to go; were never meant to be here longer than the amount of time they were anyway.

The wheels are set in motion. I have to make a difference this year. I want that ever lasting feeling. I want to stand tall on solid grounds. I want to strengthen the roots holding up my tree of life. I want to branch out. I want to learn more and more as the seasons change around me. No more talking.....just time to get the ball rolling. Oh and if you love me like you say you so; make sure you don't let me roll right pass you.

Stand Firm...

2010-11-18T21:02:00.001-06:00

Are you proud of your footprints in life? Your choices may not have been too smart, but are you proud of what you’ve walked through, over or around? Are you living life with no regrets? Has where you’ve been truly brought you to where you’re at currently? That last question to be taken in the most positive sense if you will. I personally can answer YES to all of these questions. The storm, the rain, the hurt, and the pain were only boulders pushing out all weakness that resided within me. The foundation laid down after everything was said done is stronger than ever! I have grown so much this year, and I’ve come along way as a woman. I’m happy to say that I’m proud of who I am.

Be as firm as you can about what you want when it comes to love. Your outlook is a work in progress -- rapid progress, for now -- so it's vital that you keep your core values front and center. - Shine

I’m a woman who definitely believes in compromise (now, loll), and it took some time and some hard falls in love to reach this point. However, when it comes to two individuals naturally walking different paths in life; at what point does such compromise alter who you are? Those core values are everything you stand for. They help map out the DNA in from which you are designed. Is it okay for you to “sit down” for love? Honestly, what good comes out of making it so far in your personal life to forget why you stand so tall today? Love is powerful. It moves and changes people for good and for bad. I believe when you’re trying to “fit” in love with another individual there is some molding that’s involved to sculpt you into that perfect piece of art in the eyes of the other person. Honestly speaking, I love my art just the way it is. This may be coming from the sprinkled about bitter debris, but I’ve lost sight of who I was for the likes of love (or lack thereof) one too many times.

I’ve changed completely for love, because I felt like such changes would keep the other person IN love. I’ve zipped my mouth shut, I’ve taken blame in falsely accused situations, I’ve lowered my caliber of thinking, I’ve shallowed the depths of my thoughts, I’ve re-arranged my life’s plans, I’ve ignored my family, I’ve ignored my friends, I’ve ignored my conscience, I’ve even altered my faith for failed attempts at love in my past. All of which took me not to be proud of then, to be proud of who I am today. So excuse me if I want to bask in the ambiance of a little success, happiness, confidence, and peace of mind. At my lowest points; I never thought I’d make it to take my next breath, let alone THIS stage in my womanhood.

You can't break your neck to satisfy everybody, because everybody damn sure ain't doing it for you! To live & love is worth a lot, but to live, love AND stay true to who you are is priceless! - T. Nicole

So without assumption, over analyzing, and/or technicality; simply put, I love me and who I’ve become. I know for a fact that it will take a woman on this same caliber of love for herself to accept who I am one hundred percent. I’ll wait…

Impressions

2010-09-08T23:55:00.003-05:00

You know how to give the benefit of the doubt, but you also need to view people realistically. Don't forget how important first impressions can be -- you need to pay attention to your feelings. - Shine (Love & Relationships)

It's said that they mean everything. The beginning stage of a single memory is an impression. Without impressions there would be nothing to be intrigued by. Life would have no mystery. Life would be a exactly what it is; with no questions asked. Bottom line; life would be rather dull to say the least. Words that come out of an individuals mouth can be very powerful. They can be life altering. They can take your gray skies, and turn them blue again. Those words can be the greatest of truths, but they can also be the boldest of lies.

Depending on the importance of the encounter; we usually put on our best behavior for the occasion. It's like wearing your best Sunday clothes on a Tuesday; it means THAT much at THAT moment. That first moment. Our ears and minds are erect; standing at attention. We don't want to miss a beat. It's an adrenaline rush, and you want everything you say to be heard; whether it be the truth or a lie. Whatever is cleaver huh? In fact, if you can get past this first impression; some part of you has won the other person over either way.

Realistically speaking, a person's words to impress, are just words. That person may very well be capable of putting those exact words into action. That person could also have every intention of putting those words into action. Expectations often times lead to disappointment. So to expect every word to be true might be fault on your behalf. Giving the benefit of the doubt is beautiful, because everyone is different. However, humans are humans. I can't begin to name all of the wonderful first impressions that I've had that turned out to be nothing than I could ever imagine. The most simple recipe for any encounter; EXPECT NOTHING!

Between every lie are traces of the truth. Listen closely and watch carefully. Listen to your first mind; no matter how fast and how loud your heart might be beating. For when that beat begins to even out, and that sound isn't so loud; you might be left with the shattering sounds of reality. “Human kind cannot bear very much reality.” – T.S. Eliot; Four Quartets, Burnt Norton. So just like the first time you took your first hit, swallow, or sniff of any type of controlling substance; that unnatural high can lead you down a very deceiving and destructive path.

Stay true to yourself above all else. Make sure you're ready for what you choose to face. Make sure you're willing to accept everything you ask for. If you selflessly claim to love another individual, show them through constant action rather than your words. What you tell them on day 1 honestly doesn't matter on day 999, because if it's true; whatever they asked you on the first day; they'll proudly say again on 999th day. The greatest impressions are followed by consistency. By all means, impress me. Approach me with your best, because you better believe I'm standing before you doing the same. Just remember, you can only stretch a lie so far. The truth is everlasting.

**Only a matter of time before the meaning to what was lost is revealed. Hence the word everlasting; so technically what was stepped over will still be there when that time comes.**

The Figurative Heart

2010-09-08T22:04:00.001-05:00

Genesis 3:5 – “For God knows that in the very day of your eating from it your eyes will be opened and you are bound to be like God, knowing good and bad.” (This is what Satan in the form of a serpent told Eve about the tree of knowledge of good and bad)

In my opinion, this is the most pivotal moment in the history of humankind. The day our fore parents gained knowledge of good and bad; is the day all of humankind was cursed. The innocent mind was then erased, and filled with mini parasites forming fearful and wicked thoughts. Needless to say, this is what makes it very hard to maintain peace of mind. The brain is constantly turning. Constantly producing thoughts both good and bad. Back in the day of our fore parents; man had no life decisions. God worked very hard for six days creating, furnishing, and perfecting the earth for mankind. He set one rule that He expected to be obeyed by man. As long as this rule was obeyed; our fore parents could live about freely and peacefully throughout the Garden of Eden. Unfortunately, that rule was disobeyed, and the forbidden fruit was partaken.

Thus, here we are. All offspring of our fore parents living in this sinful world. Filled with both good and bad. Our eyes are opened wide shut! Roaming about the wicked earth aimlessly and blind; trying to survive each day. Life’s battles come hard and they come fast. The battle in the mind is what bruises us the most. Knowledge; what we think we know and what we know nothing about. What we happen to gain from certain knowledge through life’s battles, is wisdom.

"We are not what we look like, we are not how physically strong we are, and we are not the knowledge we have memorized. We are, what we are, because of what we do with what we have become. You can feed two people with the same food and teach them with the same teachers and they will each process the information differently. It is only when a parent or a teacher reaches the persons heart that he becomes empowered to become more than he was, and he is empowered to keep becoming more than he is." - Stephen Kishel

Using the good sense God gave me; I’m brought to a time in my own personal life where I have to cover myself. Take the knowledge that I have; both good and bad, and run with it. Just as my fore parents did when they realized their bodies were exposed to all around them. Face to face with my own reality; I must gather my tools and decipher between the good and bad within. Friends and foes. Priorities and options. Dreams and nightmares. Reality and fantasy. Love and hate. Life and death. My mother reminded me over this past weekend that the literal heart can be deceiving, but the figurative heart has to be trained. In a figurative sense my current reality has caused my heart to become so battered and bruised. It’s time to take a step back as an artist in life, and re-evaluate what I’ve created thus far on my life’s painting. It’s beyond time for a different stroke. Time to change my scene, upgrade my reality, and train my figurative heart to become much more than what I already am.

Stage Play

2010-09-06T06:06:00.000-05:00

It's 5am, and I'm up listening to Donny; smoking. It's been a pretty lonely weekend. This might be a self pitty party I'm throwing over here, but I just haven't wanted to be bothered lately. I feel like my smiles have been a bit fake, and I refuse to take anyone on my usual "rebound journey". That always ends up biting me in the ass. The whole "don't chase em'; replace em'" attitude. It's the most easiest way to get over a heartache of any kind. Validation is the key right? Because, that's what you lose sight of when your heart is broken. Your value. Your worth. Your reason for being.

It's crazy just how fast you can lose sight of these things too. The heart can be very deceiving when it battles with the mind. Each day gets better. My slowly nursing myself back to my usual nonchalant self. Me and love have been through some battles man! Love has been like a stage play for me. I'll audition for the best leading lady for the role, and you better believe she knocked me dead in her audition. The play will be a hit for the first couple of months (if it lasts that long), but then the actress starts to show her true character. Her acting skills vanished. Not too soon after that; the curtains close. Then I'm back to auditioning for another leading lady for yet another stage play.

These leading ladies were merely playing their role. Maybe it's me that flips the script though. I've played with love alot in my past. I've turned my back on it. I've said it in vain. I've taken it for granted. I've misused and abused it. I've taken it to the top of the charts, and body slammed it back down to the bottom. The older I get; the more I yearn for the real thing. No stage play. No actresses. No props. No audience. No curtains. I don't want some 1 to 4 month fling. I want to put in some real time with a real and genuine person. I'm content with my life right now. It's been quite some time since I've been able to actually say that. I still have this void. A void love has busted wide open! The past couple of relationships these voids were still there even when love was in the picture. Or something I thought was love.

Recently, I've got to experience a type of love that finally filled that forever growing void. My whole world was turned upside down with this love. It was the happiest I had ever been, and that love came into my life like a thief in the night. Robbed me for my heart. Gave me everything I desired. Told me everything I wanted to hear. Wasn't afraid to tell me what I didn't want to hear. Loved me for me, and simply because; I loved it. Turned my house into a home. Shared my space. Invaded my mind, body and soul. Then...it left quicker than it came. Left me with this stranger. This empty being. This faceless soul. Pages of the script blowing in the whirlwind around us. Another actress. Another stage play. Another audience. Curtains close.

I can't blame anybody for that though. Especially not the stranger. She was just playing her role. Now here I am with this battle. Accepting the fact that the curtains are closed. The leading lady is gone. More than likely; on to another play. On a different tour. With a new writer. A new script. Or maybe it's the same old script. Either way; she played the hell out of her part. Standing ovation. Never did I once want those curtains to close. Never did I ever once want to wake out of the dream I was living in. Never did I once thing the feeling would fade this time. Not on my part, and I'm proud to say; it didn't. But I quickly found out; I wasn't directing this one. What I felt honestly meant nothing this time around. It's like someone poured hot coffee all over the script and the ink bled from the pages. Blank. Empty. Unfulfilled. There goes that void again.

She started reading from a different script on me though. I didn't have a copy of this one. I was still stuck on the old script. I knew it by heart. Everything in her script went against everything in my heart. She was no longer reading from her heart. I honestly don't know if she ever was. Perhaps that's why it was so easy for her to forget. So easy for her to get her hands on another script. Imagine how frustrating that is. Lots of people have been in situations like this. They happen all of the time. The one reading from the heart usually is the only one that gets knocked down emotionally. The one who loses sight of his/her value, worth, and reason for being.

So here I am. 6am. Can't sleep; thinking about my last leading lady. I'm still stuck in the whirlwind. Pages of the empty script flying all around me. I'm here alone. Same script etched in my heart. I've grown tired of forcing my heart back into the strangers hands. The bottom line; she shares the same stage as I, but she's reading from a different scripts. All I have is whats in my heart.

Love On A One-Way Street

2010-08-24T18:33:00.000-05:00

What is love without compromise? What is love without communication? What is love without some sort of understanding? What is love without patience? What is love without trust? Clearly, love isn't SHIT without all of these ingredients. It becomes frustrating, heartbreaking and downright stressful. Feels as if you're going down that one-way the WRONG way!

I'm going to save the rest of my thoughts and feelings for my private blog!

Wanna Be Loved

2010-08-22T20:08:00.000-05:00

Jill Scott "Wanna Be Loved"

Don't feel no pity for me

Cause I'm going through a couple things,

Life means change,

That's the way it goes,goes

All my life I had a constant burning

A strong deep,desire

An aching ambiguous,yearning,yearning,

yearning

For something better

For something bigger

For something wider

For something higher

And lots of regrets

Cause I ain't seem to found it yet

I've been searching around the world

Never knowing what to expect

I get sad sometimes

Yes I be mad sometimes

Cause I'm out here on the grind

Making mine

And I still can't seem to find

What I've been looking for

Opened so many doors

For real,yo

I just wanna be loved...

[Chorus:]

I just wanna be loved

Like everybody else does

I just wanna be loved

Like many people; I love me some Jill Scott. This song has been hitting home for quite some time now. I'm a content place in my life right now. There are many things I still need to work on, but I'm content. My work will never be done in life. I'll always have something to work on, but I'm finally content with who I am, and where I am in life. I have this deep, deep yearning for love. It's screwing with my heart, because it keeps coming so close I can actually feel it. Then...it slips away.

I want an unconditional and 50/50 type of love. I want to spend my time with someone. I want to spend my nights talking to someone. I want to spend my entire weekends with someone. I want to go places, travel and see new things. I want to go out and be social with my mate. I want to cuddle at home, and spend lazy Sunday's watching movies. I don't want any unnecessary drama. I want to be listened to. I want to be understood. I want to be appreciated for all of my efforts in trying to keep the love alive. I want to be loved. REAL LOVE! I want it to last...

In The Blink of an Eye

2010-08-14T19:59:00.000-05:00

I blinked and there you were

standing right before me

with a smile upside down

a heart pieced together

a spirit as light as a feather

a beauty in my eyes

a treasure in my mind

I blinked and there you were

a dream it had to be

with a smile bright as the sun

a heart with all voids filled

a spirit that could change a life

my life

a beauty in my eyes

a treasure in my mind

I blinked and there you were

a lie it had to be

with a frown so ugly

a heart so cold

a spirit so evil it damage a soul

my soul

still a beauty in my eyes

a treasure lost in my mind

I blinked and there you went

an illusion it was

my smile now upside down

my heart left in pieces

a spirit gone in a downward spiral

a fool in my own eyes

a treasure stolen from my own mind

Take Your Time

2010-06-21T20:00:00.005-05:00

To understand another human takes exceptional skills in listening and patience. It also takes a very broad mind to do so as well. Forgetting everything that you may know, and absorbing what makes that other person tick. Becoming a pupil in one's class of life; learning the DNA, the paths (good and bad), the loves, the hates, and the genetic traits. A person's background; mental, physical and spiritual is an eye opener to their current being. All things intriguing nonetheless.

"You need to understand this new hottie before committing to anything more than 'hello.' Make the effort, no matter what, even though you may discover quite a few odd or off-putting surprises." - Yahoo's Shine

Taking the much needed time, and slowing down long enough to actually DATE someone is hard now days. The earth seems to be spinning at rapid speeds, and our hearts can't seem to keep up with our minds. Time is still the most important factor in love. It takes time to birth it. It takes time to build it. It takes time to maintain it. It takes time to ruin it, and it takes time to heal it. Losing your mind in an illusion of love is easy to do. Trust me, I know. However, my daddy always told me to check the car facts! That shinny new coat doesn't reveal where that band spankin' new car came from. What roads did it take to reach it's current destination? Better yet, how much baggage is in the trunk? Am I prepared to take over the responsibilities of keeping up the maintenance of this car? Did the previous owner take good care of it? How much money would I have to put into keeping this used car running? Play close attention to the front details, and what might be possibly laying beneath them.

"Baby slow down just take your time. You and me gon' be here for awhile, okay." - Mos Def "The Panties"

You Gotta Put Me On

2010-05-31T20:27:00.002-05:00

You add someone new and interesting to your network today -- don't miss the synergy between work and social matters! Even if they're not exactly your type, they almost certainly know someone who is. - Shine

I've said it many times before, but your network can take you a long way in any aspect in your life. Spiritually, financially and even romantically. Gaining and maintaining healthy friendships can be very worth your while. Meeting someone new of the same or opposite sex (whatever your preference) does not mean you have to pursue them romantically. It merely can just be a new workout buddy, shopping buddy, party buddy, ect. This person may be your gateway to that lover you've been searching for.

"Everybody know somebody, that know somebody, that know somethin' bout em'" - Trick Daddy

The longer you live, the smaller the world seems. Everyone knows a someone, and the way things work, and have worked for a long time; you have to go through certain people to get where fate destines you to be. We all play the role of a stepping stone in life. We help guide people we know, and even ones we don't know to the places they need to go, to the people they need to see, and help form them into the people they feel they need to be.

Boldness

2010-05-30T08:32:00.002-05:00

The word to the wise told me to not be bashful and do not avoid the spotlight today. I know exactly what it is that I want, and I shouldn't be ashamed to make any bold moves to get it. I have to agree. We all know that closed mouths don't get fed. If we want something in this cold world; we have to speak up, stand up, and woMAN up! I have quite a bit on my plate now days, and my days have been running into each other; causing me to lose focus on my personal needs. I have been grinding in BEAST MODE to say the least. Money is the motive, but that doesn't mean that love shouldn't be a motive as well.

No particular face to match love's heartbeat at the moment. I'm still on my intermission. I believe in a healthy time out after a failed relationship. You have to make sure you aren't taking any tainted food to your next dinner party if you know what I mean. Am I ready? Nope. I don't even have an appetite for it. What I'm gunning for now days is a healthy heart. I want no regrets or resentment inside. There is so much going on with me personally that I need to get a grip on. I don't need to be worried about the next dinner party until I can get my own kitchen in order.

I was in my shell and in my feelings for a little bit, but I'm out now. Time to fully re-build. So my next moves will indeed be bold. I'm on a mission for self.

Another One Bites The Dust

2010-04-05T12:22:00.000-05:00

I'm truly embarrassed to post this blog, because my track record is getting quite lengthy when it comes to failed relationships. I took yet another chance on love, and it slapped me in the face. I can't say it really hurt this time though. Either I've grown immune to loss of love, or this go round was really in truly a complete act of God and my advancement in life period.

I wondered what the outcome would be in a Aquarius Vs. Aquarius relationship. Operation -#EPICFAIL! I had hope in the longevity of the relationship despite the constant differences and belief systems. I feel like when there are two adults involved; anything can be worked out. However, if only one of you finds worth in the work, then it really doesn't matter how hard you try. It's funny how quickly things change. I was no longer a priority in the end. All ties of communication were lost, and all of my calls seemed to go ignored. Blame it on what? Our hectic schedules and demanding jobs? I'm a strong believer in that fact, that people make time for what they truly want to. Love in the eighties with this one wasn't all I cracked it up to be.

Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.

- Orison Swett Marden

Obstacles can't be walked through alone. It's a sad situation when one mate gives up. That leaves all responsibility in carrying the relationship on the other mate. Its then that it becomes unfair. This is where the communication should come into play. If one grows weary, then it should be voiced. If one feels like they can't go on, then it should be voiced. No need to start with the lies, no need to avoid your lover, and no need to bury yourself in invisible work. Operation - keep it real should've been in full effect! Instead we started to play a game of hide and go seek. I couldn't find my love anymore. She turned off all the lights in her heart, and left me in the dark. I was left guessing, wishing and hoping that the opportunity would come back around to rekindle our flame. The sad fact is, the relationship was over way before I decided to hand back my keys.

Facing the situation like a real woman would've been respected and appreciated. Instead the hiding continued. Instead of the president facing the press, the secretary of defense stepped in and looked me in the eye. How cowardly is that? I still haven't spoken to the president to this day, and that's a damn shame. But when guilt and shame take over face value; I can see why hiding would be a better option. I'm a complete asshole. I'm detached. I show little or no emotion at times. I'm unaffectionate 80% of the time. I'm blunt and I tend not to spare feelings. I'm arrogant. I'm a loner. I'm spoiled rotten. This is just to name a few of my flaws. I'm an extremely hard person to learn, and an even harder person to deal with. However, I was everything that I said I was from the very beginning. All of my cards were laid out on the table face up. There were no secrets and no masks, but yet again; I couldn't say that about my mate.

I pray for her though, and her well being. I'm ignoring the rumors about the things were conveniently not shared with while in the relationship. I've never been one to take the word of another who isn't involved in the situation anyway. I've thrown it all in God's hands with all my other problems. I'm not equipped to deal with the weak-hearted, and one who can't face their own issues. So I got to move on. "Don't let anyone validate your happiness" are words that definitely need to be practiced by the one preaching it. Trust and believe I am one tough act to follow, and my presence will be one that will be desired for the rest of your life. I was built to change the life of every person that I embrace. My voice is not one that carries, and not one that is always heard. It's my silence that that bounces off the walls, and it's my words that linger. I wonder if she can hear me now? Too bad she couldn't be there to hear my say goodbye.

P.S. - I promise I'm not gassing up the next one until she ultimately proves herself dammit! Having a handful of failed relationships is NOT a good look. My sis always told me "Tamica, you sureee know how to pick em'!" and she ain't lying!

Pushing The Pride Aside

2010-02-04T12:00:00.003-06:00

Like a newborn fresh out the womb
its your nourishment I need to consume
in mass quantities
a food for the soul that lasts forever
you're my teacher
and its your knowledge I treasure
In your opinions I hold utmost respect
to voice such I tend to neglect
a lifetime difficulty to overcome I have tried
many tears of frustration I have cried
what seems to be the hardest thing to do
is push my pride aside

Daily Couples: Brought to you from Yahoo!

You don't usually stress too much about getting ahead in the world, but you may be feeling those concerns now. Reassurance is there in the form of your sweetie, but they won't know you need it unless you ask.

My pride has always been a very big issue for me. It's hard to bend a person like me. I'm very stubborn and stuck in my ways like none other. It's in my genetic pool. From my great parents to my grand parents, and on to my parents. Puffed up with pride. We have to do everything by ourselves and in our way. Pride is an honorable trait to obtain, but to have too much of it can be a bad thing. You start to hurt those around you to protect your own ego.

Sometimes we forget that the people in our corner need our help in order to help us. We automatically expect them to know what's going on inside of us, and this is not fair to them. They only can support so much going off what we have communicated to them. When big changes come around in life; brining on extra stress, we sometimes lash out on the people who are closest to us. They only thing they are guilty of is trying to help as much as they can. If they don't say or do what we EXPECT them to do; we take major offense to it. Stopping and thinking about the situation; did you really voice what you needed from them? Or did you think they could read what's on the inside of you and automatically save your day? I am OH SO GUILTY of this.

Putting your pride aside, and asking your mate for help when needed is not a bad thing. It's a very good thing. It also shows your mate that you respect and trust them. To feel needed in a loving relationship is a very good feeling. This is one publish where I have to seriously practice what I preach. Ha! Just ask my mate!

Breaking Through The Plateau

2010-02-03T12:09:00.002-06:00

Keeping a relationship brand new can be a bit of a task. Especially when you reach certain plateaus that seem a bit frustrating to push through. The main thing to focus on when facing such trials is to remember the love that started it all. Reminisce on the courting phase. Whether it was 3 months ago, 3 years ago, or 3 decades ago. It's that beginning phase that elevated you as a couple to those natural highs. You couldn't get enough of one another. Everything spoken and acted were intriguing.

Daily Couples: Brought to you from Yahoo!

Trying something brand new to both of you fosters trust and deepens your bond. Cook up a project or attempt a new sport or game -- if it makes you feel silly, it'll be even more fun (and memorable!).

When a relationship reaches a plateau; it can be both good and bad. If you are a couple that seems to have nothing but drama popping off, then reaching some level of stability is a great recommended goal. However, if you're a couple that has been stable since day one; it becomes a bit redundant and boring. You've reached a phase where neither the mental nor the physical development is increasing nor decreasing. It's like your favorite record on repeat. You love it like none other, but at some point you're going to want to hear something else. Something new. Something different.

What does one do about this? Understanding and patience can go along way here. Putting two creative minds together can be almost earth shattering if its without limitation. There are so many treasures that the world has to offer. Exploring the common things that you and your mate discovered in the courting phase can go way beyond that first conversation. Whether it be music, art, poetry, film, photography, fashion, traveling, history, science or sports. There is always something new to discover in all of the above.

If time is an issue; its only one because you make it one. People make time for what they want to make it for. Settling in a funk is almost ungodly. It only causes a snowball effect to bigger problems in the relationship. You and your mate have to go get up and move around. Set aside some time to brainstorm. I advise those around you to get their umbrellas out! Because I know when two people like my mate and I brainstorm; its greater than any tsunami you've ever heard reported.

It's much more fun to create history than continuing to remake it.

The Mental VS. The Physical

2010-01-31T00:35:00.006-06:00

Mental or Physical? Sink or swim?

What makes your sexual libido peak to it's highest point? Is it the physical or the mental? Some people only vision the beauty of a human body through two eyes. Sadly, only capturing the outside sculpture of would could be a life changing masterpiece. The mere physical attraction is good enough for these people. For those of us viewing the world through our mind's eye have the pleasure of being sexually touched by a beauty deeper than the outer lustful layer of skin. This is both bitter and sweet. Not everyone has the capability of touching someone mentally. It does take a rather intellectually confident person to fill a mind with brilliant bits of information, consciously turning them into sexual innuendos; causing that mind to over flow with uncontrollable climaxes.

I personally am a fan of mental orgasms. I've been in situations where there was no physical contact made, but the mere conversation alone took me to that level. I LOVE those moments. I miss those moments. I haven't had an experience like that for quite some time. For the most part, my mental is peaked sexually on first encounters. The sense of the newness alone attracts me. If there is some sort of flirtatious chase; that only ups the ante. Sad to say, once the newness fades; so does my interest. It does take a lot to lose my interest. Receptiveness is a no-no. I need for a person to take me to new levels. I need to learn new things. What I really need is to sit on the passenger side for once. I want for someone to mentally chauffeur me around, hold my hand and explore the beats of the world together. Climaxing to that beat along the way is only a perk, but it comes naturally to say the least.

As strong and opinionated as my personality is; it's hard to find someone who can fit confidently in that driver's seat. In the past this has made my dating rap sheet quite lengthy. It's always a hit and miss. The physical attraction will basically set up for it's disappearing act; I touch and I vanish. To be mentally touched over and over and over again; causing all of my guards to be let down, because I am a hostage to a person's realm of knowledge and wisdom that I manifest. That is deeper than any physical attraction I've ever encountered...

heart to heart

soul to soul
word for word

she speaks to me

in a language foreign but understood

in a way that only she could

her face I cannot see
for her back is to me
her words are all I need

pierce me

wake me

school me

mentally invade me

my mind is your playground

swing, slide, run, jump

causing my heart to thump

faster and faster

I'm astounded by your intellect

there is no beat that you neglect

your magnetic vibe pulling me in

starting to feel a heated sensation from deep within

every breath taken
escaping in familiar rhythms
I'm there yet again
what you do has got to be a sin
Greed has taken over
I listen thirstily searching for more
For it is your face I cannot see

I swear this happens

Each and every time you speak to me

Will my thirst for this encounter be quenched anytime soon? Will the situation I'm in sink or swim, because of this itch buried deep within? I hope not, for I am ready to hand my keys over and snuggle comfortably in that passengers seat. Letting the mental outweigh the physical, and carry me away to that ecstasy that I have been yearning for. The potential is there, but some people just need a little push in the right direction.

So what's your choice? The mental or the physical?

Love On The Sideline

2009-12-15T11:58:00.002-06:00

It never fails that in every relationship there will be those crabs trying to pull you down from your happy high! This however just proves how strong you are in that relationship. Will you give in to the temptation of seduction? Will you drift down from that happy high and play with fire? How much is one moment of passion worth? All these questions might be easy to answer coming straight from your mouth, but when in that situation; we all know that's a different story.

Infidelity has been common since the beginning of time. Some of us have been guilty of it, and some of us haven't. I've been on both sides of the fence sad to say. I've done my dirt; due to some serious commitment issues that I have going on in my personal closet of skeletons. I've broken those fragile hearts because I gave into those seductive crabs. I allowed myself to be pulled down from my happy high, and I suffered through those third degree burns. It seems all good when you think your secret is quiet as kept. You feel you have that perfect situation and that sideline love knows how to play their part. Ha! Whatever is done in the dark will 99.9% of the time always come to the light at some point. And when the shit hits the fan….

Just ask Tiger!!!

Ha! Sorry Mr. Woods; I had to do it. This is a perfect example of where that sideline love can land you. I am not going to lie; he had a good run while it lasted. Had his little pieces set up like decoys cheering from the stands with the rest of the common folk. It's very rare that a sideline lover stays in his/or her lane throughout the entire course. At some point, they become resentful in the fact that they are just mere sloppy seconds. They are not the top priority, and they will forever be in the shadows. That is until they decide to steal the spotlight. Take your shine and ultimately pull you off your high horse and down from your happy high.

I must say I'm still not the most innocent woman in the world though. I still probably flirt way more than I should. My eyes wonder way more than they should. I haven't been as adamant as I should be when it comes to closing those past chapters of my life. I still have lines of communication open with those who I know play the role of the seductive crab; just waiting to snap at me the first chance they get. I must get my act right quick, fast, and in a hurry. As each day passes; I realize more and more how lucky I am to be in the relationship that I'm in. I won't find a better support system than what I have here. The love is unconditional, and the last thing I need is my fears of commitment to rear their ugly heads and mess this up. I'm living love in the 80's, and this is a happy high I don’t want to come down on anytime soon.

Love in the 80's

2009-11-24T09:47:00.005-06:00

Wow, long time no write around these parts. I've been missing in action for quite some time; I apologize. I do have some things to get off my chest though. I've been writing old school style lately. Good old fashioned pen and paper. Other than that; where have I been? Well, I've been out on the town with love. I've finally found a woman who seems to be suitable for me. Anyone who has kept up with this blog knows my struggle when it comes to females. Boy do I know how to pick em'! I think I did alright for myself this time.

Everyone keeps telling me that this woman isn't what they pictured me with. Yes, she is out of the norm for me, but that’s a good thing. That was my problem; I would always fall for the same type of female and end up with the same problems. I was use to dealing with girls, and now I have a woman. The only thing left for me to do is get my mind right. Get out of that state of mind that I was so use to being in. I'm use to the fireworks going off by now. I'm use to being on a constant roller coaster ride, but this woman is no amusement park. She's almost perfect, and that scares me a little. Nothing sets her off, and she's so easy going about EVERYTHING. That’s a good thing right? I believe it is. She doesn't get jealous over any other female that may still be calling my phone. Her confidence and security level is through the roof. That's a great thing. She doesn't argue or debate, and she agrees with pretty much everything. Nothing is a big deal with here. In this, I am bitter-sweet.

Me being the woman I am; I need that "kick" in a relationship. I need to be put in my place 70% of the time. I need to feel like I'm in a relationship. For some reason, I still feel like I'm single. I feel free, because she's so passive. I'm use to the 21 questions. I'm use to the possessive tendencies. I'm use to the disagreements that turn me on and anticipate me for the make up session. But everything with her is….perfect. I'm use to dealing with Tasha Smith character on Why Did I Get Married, but I got the Jill Scott. Why complain? I got everything I asked for. She's the total package. I'm so use to being in a chaotic romantic setting, that I don't know how to deal in peace.

My whole fear in this perfect relationship; is that I'll grow bored. I'm no good when I'm bored, because that hardly EVER happens to me. This is why that "kick" in the relationship keeps me on my toes. It keeps me alert and keeps me fired up to keep going. I don't want to be the typical lesbian, and thrive off drama. I believe I'm a far cry from the typical lesbian, but a thickened plot makes the story so much better. I just don't want to keep looking like the evil villain, because of what I'm use to. The last thing I want to do is keep hurting her feelings, because I don’t know how to play the hand I was dealt; which is the one that I asked for.

This is still in it's early stages, and in my eyes only has the potential to get better with time. I don’t want my ways to push her away. My extreme loner ways. My unaffectionate ways. My independent ways. Oh, and yes being too independent can be a bad thing. Your mate might feel obsolete, because you do everything on your own and want no input or help. I'm good for this. All things I am working on. The affectionate thing will probably never come though. That's just not me. Nobody in my family is affectionate other than my half sister. I grew up with a mother and father that didn’t even sleep in the same bed. We didn't eat dinner together at the table. Every family member were for themselves. We were 3 strangers under one roof. So affection is something that came every blue moon for me my entire life. You can't miss something you never really had. You also can't be expected to give it either.

All I can say is; I can't let past dealings with psychotic females cause me to mess up something good. Something that I'll probably on get one chance in my life to encounter. She is my 80 after ohhhh soooo many 20's. Love in the 20's brought me nothing but bitterness and heartache. I got everything but what I truly needed out of those situations. Love in the 80's brings maturity, understanding, unconditional love, peace and and a sense of compassion any man or woman only dreams about. I'm thankful. I love her. I just need to get my mind right and FAST!!!

In Love With A Lie - How Far Would You Go?

2009-09-28T17:25:00.004-05:00

How far would you go if you found out that your boyfriend/girlfriend for x amount of months/years was engaged to someone else? Would you sulk into a deep tunnel; never to come out and face the world again? Would you suck it up and charge it to the game as a loss in love? Or would you seek revenge and take that muthafucka for all he/she is worth?

Finding out you're being cheated on is a hard pill to swallow. So many emotions roaring at once, and any decision that’s made could change your love life forever. In how you handle your current love and how you handle your love in the future. I've been in the "I'm being cheated on" boat, and I can't say that I made the right decisions regarding my action. I'm a hot head so you already know I got my Waiting to Exhale on, and did my damage. I was on some real fuck a bitch shit for a long time! I didn't trust anybody, and I didn't want to see love if it knocked on my door with $10 million dollars in it's hand. I was fed up!

It's crazy how easy it is for people to lie and lead these double lives. Using the word love in vain means nothing to some people. They can treat you like the queen or king of the universe, but can be treating someone else the same exact way on the other side of town. TRAGIC! But when the shit hits the fan, and the gig is up…omg! What to do, what to do?!

So here I am this morning trying to comfort a friend of mine going through this same exact thing. After giving her all to a man, and putting so much on the line for what she thought was the love of her life; she finds out he is engaged. Thinking he was on a business trip in New York, she receives a call from his Fiancé asking who she was to him. Goodness! Talk about having your heart sink to your ASS! Dude is living with my friend, and all of his stuff is in her house where she pays the bills. Do you THINK this man would have anything left if he had the nerve to show up at my doorstep again? HA! I think NOT! The clothes, jewelry, brand new TV, toothbrush and draws would all be mine! I'd be in that leasing office so fast to change those locks; you wouldn't believe it! I'd dare him to bust a move too! But that's just me. You're not about to play me 100% and get away with it. My friend on the other hand is more kinder and gentler soul than I. Boy, do I feel bad for her. I just keep telling her that God will bless her, and karma will be giving him a visit very soon.

You also have to look at what you've done in the relationship as well. Just because your secrets haven't fallen out of the closet doesn't make you innocent. God sees all things, and brings all things to the light at some point. So while seeking revenge and crying your heart out; what dirt did you do? This just could be karma bitting you in the ass first!

Daily Singles: Do Talk To Strangers

2009-08-04T12:03:00.001-05:00

Daily Singles: August 4, 2009

It's a great day to take a risk and get to someone new. Talk to a complete stranger to better hone your communication skills. Sometimes it's helpful to initiate conversation with someone outside of your usual friends. Be friendly, observant and most of all, yourself.

So this is implying that I talk to strangers? Loll, that is so outside of my character. I've come out of my shell more and more over the years though. I'm more of a social butterfly than I've ever been. I guess my metamorphosis came later in life. I haven't completely shattered my shell though. I'm still reserved and ducked behind the shadows. People are crazy and I've found that being this way has really helped me dodge a lot of unnecessary drama as well.

This advise doesn't have to be on a romantic tip, but also a business networking tip. With the screwed up economy the whole saying; "it's not about what you know, but who you know" is more realistic than every. Social networking requires that you speak to strangers. Who knows; I can either find the love of my life or a partner to find the next multi-billion dollar company. This is just a small risk to take in life. Me being a reserved shadow ducker is me giving myself the short end of the stick. There are so many layers to me, but as I unravel them one by one; I'm stepping further and further into my womanhood, in which I have grown to love unconditionally.

I've been craving some new networking friends. People just to hang out with. Cultured people who can think outside the club. It seems that my friends only want to be seen at a party or a club. It's past time for me to broaden my horizons. If my friends don’t want to join me, then I guess I have to leave them behind. It'd be dope if I got a two for one special. Find the new cultured friend and the girlfriend all in the same person, loll. Who knows? This might happen. I'm not going to get my hopes up on that part, because my season of love clearly hasn’t strarted yet.

Face 2 Face

2009-08-03T09:31:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had an excellent weekend. My weekend went rather well. I had yet another blast from the past pop up on me this weekend. I've written about her before, and I've also written her off on numerous occasions as well. I guess just like with everyone else; my main issue with her was trust. It's no secret that I have trust issues; due to being burned severely in my own past. I can't seem to shake the fear when it comes to that either. But then again, every time I turn around people are lying. Lying for no good reason at all. That's a whole different story though.

Anyway, Champ popped back up this weekend out of the blue. I had drifted completely away from her due to irreconcilable differences and distance. That was a very unique situation. We had never met before and we split before any plans were pushed through on meeting. She told me that she was moving to Houston this summer before we stopped speaking, but due to her track record; I just didn't believe her. This weekend she said that she had a few bad dreams about me, and felt it was a sign to give me a call. We talked for along time. She said that she had been in Houston for about a month already. She told me the area that she lived in; which sounded sort of believable. However, after so many issues in the past; I have to see it to believe it. I mean anybody can Google Houston and learn the city, loll. But I hope she wouldn't go that far. I just don’t put anything past anyone. Fucked up things happen to me, so I'm definitely not crossing that one off the list of possibilities, loll.

Supposedly, RIGHT after her and I stopped speaking she up and got a new girlfriend and moved to Houston with her. That's weird, but none of my business nonetheless. It's just something else to raise the red flag on though. It's been so many things about Champ that I've just had to shake off and NOT be concerned with. Because, if I did try to figure it out; I'd have a head full of grey hair by now. Just don’t have time to solve the riddles. My whole thing is now; if she's in Houston, I'd like to meet her. Perhaps my unanswered questions will all be answered with one look in the eye. Just because I didn't believe half the things she said, doesn't mean she was actually lying. My mind has been my curse for quite some time now, and this may just be another one of it's tricks. None of that can be determined until a date, place and time is set in stone. I plan on speaking to her later when I get off to see if something can be set up. If she gives me anytype of excuse or nonsense, I'll be going with the assumptions already stored in my head and going back to my reality.

I do not want to meet up with her to start any irrational commitments; I simply want to see what she's all about. So many months of phone conversations, I'd like to match the voice with a face. Lately, simple things like this have been so hard for some people. That is what's crazy to me. Does life have to be made this difficult? Even if one is lying, can we nip it in the bud and not drag it a long??? I don't know, maybe my logic is off, but that is a whole different story too.

This summer is not my season for love, but I'd love for it to be the season of realness and truth. So far, not so good. I'm not giving up hope though. This is the last time for Champ to shine through; I hope she doesn't lose the battle again.

Daily Singles: And The Beat Goes On

2009-07-28T12:00:00.002-05:00

A couple people asked me why I deleted my post from yesterday, but that reason will remain in "no comment" status. However, today's daily singles might reveal a little information on the way I'm feeling at this time. I'll jump right into it…

Daily Singles: July 28, 2009

You may want to withdraw into your shell -- it's awfully cozy and safe-feeling in there. But too much being alone could bum you out. Strike a compromise by hanging casually with a friend or two.

Cozy is an understatement, loll. It is uber safe in my shell, but sometimes being completely alone can be unhealthy. I revert to my shell when love slaps me in the face, but I do realize that I can't stay there forever. Believe me, I've tried. Like Aaliyah said…if at first you don’t succeed; you gotta dust yourself off and try again. Even if I do revert back to my shell after love has it's way with me; the world will keep right on spinning. I've been through quite a bit of heartaches and heartbreaks to learn that sulking in spilled milk only hurts me. I'm wasting my valuable time. I'm human, and yes I'm going to be knocked down for a little bit, but the beat goes on!

I still have most of the week ahead of me to spend in solitude, but I have plans this weekend that will turn my semi cloudy skies blue again.

Flirting: Harmful or Innocent?

2009-07-23T12:19:00.002-05:00

Although my mindset is pretty independent and steered clear from relationships; with the exception of a few companionship cravings; I can't help but get my flirt on from time to time. To some flirting is a simple gesture to the opposite sex or the same sex to keep life a little spicy. Some just want to see if they "still got it". Some do it just to put a smile on a pretty woman's face or to flash the dimple of a handsome man. Not everyone is out to score from such flirtatious acts.

Then you have those with that devilish lustful eye. They are out for that one thing; going to the ends of the earth with the gestures, comments and sexual innuendos to draw their prey in. This to me goes beyond the point of flirting. Especially if the prey doesn’t want to be caught. It is then that you're being downright harassed. Get the hell out of dodge! Call the cops! Get your pepper spray and lay that sucker down! Some people just take it too far. 9 times out of 10 it's those that are harassing that have a wife and kids back at the house waiting for their trifling asses to bring home the bacon.

I can't lie. I'm a diehard flirt. I gets it in! I don’t care if she's single or taken. I'm going to say what's on my mind, loll. This hasn't always landed me in the most innocent situations, but hey I like what I like. Being single, I might go a little harder than I would with the flirting if I were in a committed relationship. I've had issues with past girlfriends getting jealous when I do my little innocent flirting. Most of the times they were just insecure and blew it way out of proportion. I had one girlfriend that didn't give a damn. I would flirt and then she would backdoor and flirt with the same person! We had the same taste, and she was very secure in the fact that I wasn't going anywhere; but coming home to her every night.

I don’t see anything wrong with flirting if it's not taken too far. I believe we all have the common sense to know where "too far" is and to stay the hell away from it. I feel if you're two single adults with mature states of minds; go ahead and flirt the night away. Live a little. If you're in a relationship, be careful. BE VERY CAREFUL. You can get away with small things. VERY SMALL THINGS, but be respectful to you and your lover. Remember what you have at home. Now for me…I'm as free as a bird, and I will continue to get my flirt on!

Pre-Packaged Love

2009-07-20T18:46:00.004-05:00

I haven't sprinkled my love dust around these parts in quite some time. Like the blog before last stated; I've been on my money. I've been working on personal things. I put the whole love thing on the back burner. I even stopped the spontaneous dating and what have you. I've been 100% solo. I've been kicking it hard with my friends and family though. I still have the craving for that love thing though. Every day I can taste it more and more. I'm beginning to drool, loll. I don't want the pre-packaged version though. I want that authentic, made from scratch love. Where they do that at? Huh? Lol.

It's no surprise that most of these females out here now days are pre-packaged. Flip them over and you're reading the same quick and easy way to prepare and the same non-nutritional facts. Ingredients as follows:

Insecurities

Emotional baggage

False pretenses

Attention whore

Self-centered

Lack of common sense

Lack of communication skills

Lack of belief in anything

Lack of belief in self

Lack of love for self

Lack of strength

Dependant

Delusional

Wearing the mask of a real woman

Wearing the mask of a strong woman

Wearing the mask of a good woman

-Microwave 5 minutes and she's done-

Pre-packaged love is not for me. I've had it quick and easy. It's just like Mexican food for me. I love it!!! But I hate the knock off American version. I like mine authentic! I want the real deal. I want someone with wisdom and experience in that kitchen preparing that meal. I don't want a package. I want ingredients in this love dish that I can't find in any other female. I want one taste and immediately be hooked. I don't want to spit it back out, because I'm so tired of tasting the same old thing. I don't want to have my face scrunch up into that bitter look when it hits my buds.

Just because I know what I want, doesn't mean I'm rushing anything. I've already learned my lesson in the whole rushing thing. It doesn't end up well at all. I'm waiting on you though love. I'm hungry! I'm craving, and I'm ready. The knock off's have been disposed of and my plate is clean. Taste ya soon.

**this is not a stab at anyone in particular. just a spill from a woman who knows what she wants, and knows what she doesn't want anymore. respect it. if you're offended, then you're guilty. your fault**

B. Scott Said It Best - Ex Is An Ex For A Reason

2009-07-20T18:20:00.005-05:00

I love this guy! He expresses himself in a real and truthful way. Not to mention he's hilarious. This whole ex spill is great. People really do lose their minds when they realize what they lost out on. However, it's too late. BEAT IT! You had your chance and you blew it. The end.

Get Money Phase

2009-06-08T12:48:00.001-05:00

Daily Singles

Some subliminal stuff in the realm of romance is bubbling to the surface in your mind. Take some time to relax and really think about it -- the conclusions you come to can help you move forward mightily.

I really have no words on this. All weekend I haven't thought about any thing in a romantic way. I've been focused on more personal goals. I guess I'm in my Lil' Wayne state of mind…"money over bitches". I might not be yelling it to the grave, but I'll be yelling it to the bank. I've been on my grind fa real, fa real. I'm trying to make some moves and turn this year around for me, and only me. May sound a bit selfish, but what sense does it make thinking and devoting myself and time to other people, and I don't have my own shit in order? This is get money phase: operation success!

Fuck what that daily singles bit is talking about. =\

The Hunter

2009-06-01T12:11:00.003-05:00

I had a bad night last night. Everything was cool at first. I went too my usual trip out to my parents house with my big sister, spent some time with them, ate, watched movies, washed clothes, and had a great time. It wasn't until after I dropped my sister off, and was heading back to my apartment that my climate started to shift. Eyes focused on the road; with tunnel vision starting form. I could feel the tears sting within my ducts and my eyelids blinking in overdrive attempting to fight them off. They lost the battle though. Before I knew it; I was crying a river traveling down 610 North. I was trapped within my thoughts, and was now in an open range for reality's target practice. I'd been shot.

I was trapped in thoughts of the past, present and future. Battling with questions of why's, what if's, and how can I's like a major ping pong tournament. Yes, I couldn't done some things in my past much differently. Those things would have altered my present, and might've made my future much more sweeter. My mom was telling me just yesterday how she was thinking about my first day of school, and how pretty I looked. She told me that she cried, but I was eager to go in. I wonder how my life would be right now if my very first day of school would've gone differently. What if I were not so eager to attend that first day of class. What if that new environment scared me shitless. What if I didn't make any friends that day? What if I didn't learn anything that day? How would I be as a woman today, if anything changed on that day? Curiosity is getting the best of me, no doubt. However, the things that are said and done cannot be changed. If my present is not what it is now, who really knows where I'd be. I might not be the same woman that I am today. I cannot say that is good or bad.

After leaving my family last night, I did realize yet again how lonely I truly am. With all the individuals that may crowd my space at times, I'm still lonely. Those individuals are just props. They help me get by, and pose a knock off versions of what I think I truly want and desire. Selfish? A little bit, I can't lie. I've been approached by the devil on many occasions in the form of beautiful women, and I've partaken of their forbidden fruit almost every time. SO many bites later, and I have nothing to show for it. I'm still by myself. I'm still yearning for companionship. I hide behind my self conjured fantasies, and I psyche myself out in attempts to make myself believe that I'm happy being a single bachelorette. However, I'm just the game, playing the field, dodging what's real. I'm the target and last night I was shot dead by reality.

Daily Singles: Different Paths

2009-05-27T12:13:00.002-05:00

I had a conversation last night with a friend of mine about the different places in life that people occupy. That is a pretty simple observation on life and people, but it becomes a bit more complicated when actually dating someone or being in a relationship with someone. Being in those different places can be the one thing that breaks your relationship.

Ever been with someone and hit if off good only to later realize that you both are on two different paths in life, and leading in two different directions. You realize that they don't desire the same things as you, they don't hold the same passion in life as you do, they don't obtain the same drive as you do, they just aren't on the same level of living as you are. This is major in any type of relationship. If you're heading down a path for success and your friend or lover is on a path to what seems like destruction; this can't be healthy for your relationship. More so, this isn't healthy for you, because you will eventually become like the company that you keep.

Daily Singles

Handling those wild feelings may take the bravery of a lion-tamer, but getting your matters of the heart in order will allow you to see the situation in a more productive way. Then you can go back to roaring!

**This really has nothing to do with the shit that I actually spoke on, sorry =\**

Daily Singles: Summer Cool Down

2009-05-26T20:53:00.003-05:00

Daily Singles: Summer Cool Down

Yikes -- your emotions are all over the place now. When it comes to romance, your knee-jerk reactions could have you kicking up quite a fuss -- one that might be completely unnecessary. Try to cool it.

Yes my emotions are all over the place today. I did however enjoy my long weekend. Time spent with my friends and family. It's moments with these people that make me realize the more important things in my life. I pay too much attention to bullshit produced by unworthy illusion lovers. I'm forever letting in and cutting out. You can judge this by my previous posts. If it ain't one thing, it's another.

I've been pretty stable lately though. I have a short temper and a very low level of patience in this love thing. That my way or the highway attitude is a bit extreme. I let my emotions get the best of me when things don't go my way and I handle matters in a very over dramatic way. I can admit this. It usually leaves people cursed out, kicked out and cried out. I'm not proud of this, but I've been this way for quite some time. I mean just yesterday I told somebody to beat it. That situation is one that I've written about before, and silly me for continuing to entertain such madness.

So now is the time to truly cool it. The rift raft is gone, and there is no excuses as to why I can't focus on the things that I really need to be working on. 2009 is not over, and there are many more moves that I must make before the year's end. The door is still open for love, and it always will be. All goes to show that the things I need to work on need to be accomplished before I call myself settling in another relationship.

Daily Singles: I Pity The Fool

2009-05-20T12:14:00.000-05:00

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 20, 2009

Did you say yes to a date because you felt like you should? It's time to listen to what you genuinely want to do, not what you feel obligated to do. Your love life will improve immediately.

This is something I use to be guilty of. Can't say that it's happened for quite some time. No time, energy or patience to entertain this type of situation. Not enough pity in the world. If I don't want you, I don't want you. End of story.

Daily Singles: Jaws Of Life

2009-05-19T12:00:00.001-05:00

I'm not feeling this day at all thus far. I knew that when I went to bed last night with a mind filled with negative thoughts and a heart filled with remorse; my day would be rather jacked up. Why is letting go so hard for humans. Scratch that. Why is letting go so hard for me? When I get a grip on something, omg! I need the jaws of life to come and pry my hands open. Jumping into something new would more than likely ease my mind concerning what's old. Rebound material is not the best route to take; however it's the most familiar route. I have to fully close the door on the old in order to open the door for the new. It's only fair. It's the healthiest way.

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 19, 2009

It's one small step for your love life, one giant leap for your overall philosophy of the heart. What seems like a relatively insignificant happening leads to an advance in your thinking that will really take you places.

Grasping onto what's real is much more logical than grasping on to what you know was never meant to be. Story of my life dude.

Daily Singles: Faceless Desire

2009-05-18T12:30:00.002-05:00

I often sit and wonder where my journey in love will ultimately guide me. Will I be settled by the age of 30? Will I have a family by that time? Will I still be single as I am now? Will I be suffering through yet another heartbreak? Where am I headed in this love thing? I'm itching ya'll. What I desire is getting more and more desirable by the second. I want her; whomever she is. There is no woman in particular that I am feeling like that at this moment, but got my eye on that one right over there. I can't see her face though. Yeah, that's her. The one with the independent sticker. The one with the healthy honesty and trustworthy policy. The one with no prior owners sign. Yeah that one has no baggage, dents or bruises of the past. Shiny finish, with endless potential, respect and understanding. This one is a beauty, and when I get my hands on her; she'll be a keeper. She's my faceless desire.

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 18, 2009

What is wishful thinking for some is a vision of the future for you. You know that the line between what you desire and reality is a permeable one, and now's an ideal time to push something across that border.

Daily Singles: Blah @ Drunk Texting

2009-05-17T10:12:00.008-05:00

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 17, 2009

Being single means never having to say you're sorry -- at least not for doing what you want, when you want, with whom you want. Revel in it now, and be sure to leave some time for relaxing solo-style.

I committed an awful crime in drunk texting last night. I contacted someone that I had no business conversing with. Someone that I so called permanently closed the chapter on. I said goodbye to this girl for good reason, but something inside of me won't erase her from my mind totally. It sucks! She is one of the lovers on my wall of shame, and is the very reason why I'm single this round in life. Am I sorry for contacting her? Not really, I mean I can honestly say that it gave me the reality check that I needed. I realized quickly why I don't associate with her anymore. Once a bullshitter, always a bullshitter right? She's the epitome of it.

Questions about who I've been spending my time with, and what I've been doing while spending my time with whomever were brought up. Conversations like this are reserved for someone whom I might be dating exclusively or someone that I'm currently in a relationship. I can't be taken on a guilt trip by someone who didn't do right by me when I was giving them the best part of me. I won't apologize for anything that I'm doing with anyone right now, because as a single woman I have every right to do what the fuck I want to do. Bottom line.

Today, I do have the urge to just ride out to my parents house and chill with them by myself. I don't want to be bothered with my big sister or "friends". So thats what I think I'm going to do today. I might catch a move out in the suburbs or something. Drunk texting my ex last night helped me realize how blessed I am right now that I'm single. I miss her for whatever reason, but it's not worth all the crap I put up with while I was entertaining her.

Next time I am drunk, I need someone to grab my phone. Ugh!

Daily Singles: Perception of Past Romances

2009-05-16T10:45:00.004-05:00

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 16, 2009

Hindsight isn't always 20/20 -- when it comes to reviewing past romances, it can have a bad case of cataracts. Ask yourself if you're seeing events as they really were, or how you wanted them to be.

When I look back at my past romances I don't always look at the entire picture. The way I see things is depending on how it all went down between me and that person. How did things end? How did we split? Are we still in contact with one another? Do I still have feelings for that person? Did I wish it would've worked out between us? Now if I'm on some "real fuck a bitch shit" because of this person and the way that they treated me; I'm not going to think too highly of my past romance with this person. I'm going to forget the actual good things that might've taken place during our season. I'm going to talk major shit, and not give this person a good recommendation for future romances with anybody that I know may be interested in them.

Now when it comes to the ones that I feel like I shouldn't have let slip away so easily; I tend to play favoritism. In all actuality everything between me and this person could not have been "ALL THAT", but because deep down I still have feelings for that person, I'm not going to think about the bad things. I'm going to forget the fact that they snored. I'm going to forget the fact that they lied 70% of the time. I'm going to forget the fact that they had insecurity issues. All negativity about this person will be covered, because they are in my favorite folder, and for some strange reason I'd take them back with the good and bad.

When I do take my frequent trips down memory lane and look at my lovers wall of fame and shame; I do view the events the way I sometimes wish they would've went down. I add my own spin on things in my own head. It's my fantasy or my nightmare. Perception is everything that I make it. I am the only artist in my world, and there is only one masterpiece in this exhibit. How I view the events of past romances is going to be totally different than how the other party views our past events. That's how life is no matter what the actual case may be. No two people's mental hindsight are the same.

Bottom line - perception is only part of the equation. Acceptance is everything!

Daily Singles: Living Single

2009-05-15T12:24:00.003-05:00

Yes, the relationship assassin is back. When I first started this blog I depicted my publishing's to contain more poetry and short stories. Then I decided to place the spot light on love and relationships from a personal standpoint. I guess I got so disgusted with love and failed relationships that I caught ghost, loll. Nah, that wasn't the reason. Although my love life sucks something serious; I really did have a lot going on in my life that steered me away from posting so much. Want more details on my blog hiatus events; visit me at The Life Of A Word Hustler blogspot.

So yeah, still living single in America. Loving it? I'm straddling the fence on that decision. The pros outweigh the cons to be honest. I love the independence and sole responsibility for my own being. The companionship is missed though. That pretty little missile will come and knock me out the sky soon enough, no rush. I'm playing the cards dealt for the time being.

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 15, 2009

The bonus vim and vigor you've got going now could make you a bit all over the place, so plan for lots of different activities and interesting circumstances. Don't forget to notice who's noticing you!

Let's Play Catch Up

2009-05-14T22:59:00.004-05:00

Wow, I haven't been on here in what seems like an eternity. Life has been extremely busy me. Lot's of thing going on my way. I can't lie and say I'm not dead, sleepy tired right now, because I am. I do want to get back into the swing of things though. I want to reveal what's been going on with me these past couple of months. I'm going to have to come back with a part two thrown at you, because right now; it ain't happening. I'm typing with one eye open as we speak.

Changed the spot up a little bit. Changed the swag a tad bit. I'm still grinding like none other. Still doing my thing. Still remaining who I am...and that's a hustler!

BBL.

She's back...

The Season Of Love

2009-02-18T12:47:00.000-06:00

….is DEAD. Do not resuscitate! Let that muthafucka go! Love doesn't live here anymore. I'm not the only one feeling it. It seems like the season is just over. Lot's of folks are going through it. The heartbreak and heartache caused by the deportation of love. I recently ended a relationship that was built on a lie and drug through the dirt by false hope. I think I felt more betrayal and resentment than heartache, but I guess it's all the same thing huh? It wasn't bad though. I've been through much worse. I didn't lose any sleep or miss any meals. I've been living life as normal. I really don't have time for heartache right now. Too many things have to be accomplished in my day. So thank God I was spared this go round. I wish I could say the same for others I know. =(

It's something we all must go through in my eyes. It's almost destined like that life and death. We all suffer from the loss of love. Once you get past the hurting and pull the proper lessons out of the experience; it can only make you a better person.

"Every time we lay awake
after every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
still I haven't missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
by every silent scream we make
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?"

- 3 Days Grace

I swear I didn't want to write about this today. I've been dodging this post for the past week. I've been trying to find another outlet I suppose. I've been doing good thus far with keeping it off the brain. I hate to wallow in self pity and breast stroke through spilled milk. Clean it up and pour another class. I am my mother's child, and dwelling in depression is something we just don't do. However, with some things its easier said than done. My good friend is going through something that I've been through one too many times. Way beyond the point of desire. I feel her pain, and I wish I could take it all from her. Time has to run it's course though. It's like indulging on something so sweet that you know will leave a bitter after taste. We live for that first bite though don't we? Nobody can tell us anything once we get our hands on it! The devil is a lie, and the truth ain't in him!!! I'm going on a fast.

So Much For That

2009-02-08T15:59:00.000-06:00

Aquarius - February 8, 2009

If your romantic life is going through some drama right now, the best course of action is no action at all! Even if you are sure of what you want to happen next, you've got to wait a while and just let the dust settle. Let the other person be the next one to make a move. It's their turn, and if you act impatiently, they could feel like you are starting a power struggle. If things are meant to be, they are meant to be. You need to take this kind of attitude right now.

Well, its pretty clear that on usually only write here when there is trouble in paradise or my love life has gone down the drain yet again. Truth be told, I'm really trying to get back into this blogging thing. My life's responsibilites were just kicked up a few notches, leaving me with little or no time to spare. I think the last time I wrote here I was having issues with getting my girl to listen to me and all that good stuff. Well, that never happened, loll. Her head remained up her ass, and she couldn't see past her own shit. Of course I had to dip. Does she understand why things went down the way they did? Or course not. She's still clueless, and I'm being labeled the bad guy. The story of my life.

She states that I changed her for the better. I chalk it up to the rest of the bullshit she's told me in the past. So many untruths and fabricated stories were told, only insulting my intelligence. Ahhhh, Deja vu. Back to what I know, which is being responsible for my own feelings and heart. It's better this way. I feel relieved. I don't wake up with the weight of love on my shoulders. Fuck what you heard, all that stuff is overrated. This coming from a person who loves to be alone anyway. The saga continues...

Sweet Saturdays

2009-02-02T20:07:00.000-06:00

Saturdays just got sweeter.....

This is where you can find me on the weekends!

If you're in Houston check it out!!

Listening Ear

2009-01-14T12:43:00.000-06:00

Before I get into this I have to laugh my ass off @ The Dreamy One! I know you think all my blogs are about different people, but they aren't. I mean I can be indecisive, but damn! Most of these joints are about the same person. I'm caught on an emotional love rollercoaster, and I can't get off. Forgive me, if my blog emotions change like my draws. Frankly, I'm not even trying to get off this rollercoaster. I'm digging' the ride.

I'm slowly getting back into this blog thing. I have more followers on this blog than I thought I ever would. I want to stop by everyone's spot and read my little ass off. That'll take an entire day to do, loll. I'll get there though, so don't stop reading me, because you think I'm not reading you. So I want to welcome the new viewers. This blog isn't all that spectacular. Most blogs I see are strictly about fashion, gossip and music. I keep my shit real, personal and down to earth. This is me. This is how I live my life, and this is how I view life through my eyes. Right now, I'm all in love so if a little lesbian dramatic love scene doesn't offend you, stick around.

Aquarius Love Scope - January 14, 2009

Take a look beneath the surface to get a better idea of what is going on in your relationship. Let your loved one know you are available to lend an ear if there's something on their mind.

The one thing that is truly needed in a healthy relationship is communication, but also the listening ear. On this ride, we've had some hearing issues. However, I think we found the right hearing aide to guide us to our next step in love. I never thought we'd get there though, loll I can't lie. I felt I had entered the cemented fun house and my words were bouncing off the walls slapping me right back in the face. It was not a good feeling.

Everything is not always everything. Shit happens, and yes I am a firm believer in tough love. What I find not worth crying over, someone else may not be able to stop crying over. Sometimes I want to slap people for the tiny situations that they call problems. In my eyes, the world literally never stops spinning so you need to keep moving right along with it. Whatever you're going through can always be worse. However, people still need that listening ear. They still need that shoulder to cry on. I'm trying to provide that for my love. It can be hard, because half the time I just don't see the logic behind it all. However, it's not my life. She's the artist, and I'm merely her number one fan hanging on to every stroke with every brush, with every color she chooses to place on her canvas. I can critique all I want to, but this is her masterpiece. I respect that, and I respect her. I'm here in any way, shape or form.

Now that we seem to be on the same page, I do hope that the feelings and duties are mutual.

Can You Hear Me Now?

2009-01-06T22:20:00.000-06:00

I'm suppose to be on this sabattical. Taking my break from the outside world. If only I could stay away from the earthlings; I would. However, I still have to make a living and pay bills. I have this intellectual void that needs to be filled. My good friend no longer has time for me; so those conversations that could only be held with her have come to an end. Don't know what's going on with The Black Experience meet up group, but that was suppose to be another way to give my brain a bath. Who knows. I haven't really been talking to anyone. The person I have been talking to is really giving me this touch and go blues. I don't dare waste my intellectual thoughts on her. I already feel like most of my words are vanishing in thin air as it is. It's really dsappointing. I'm use to people being thouroughly interested in me. Interested in what my beliefs are. Interested in what makes me tick. Interested in what I feel about current events. I'm use to brain teasing converstaions. Most of our conversations revolve around her. I just sit back and listen. I can only hope that my responses to her will be fully heard.

I haven't been writing hardly anything. I'm use to ones that are actually interested in me, to ask "hey why haven't you wrote anything lately?" "Have you wrote today?" "I'm missing something here, link me to your latest blog." I don't get that from her. She's super caught up in her own world. She' in love with the idea of me. She loves the fact that I am here. But just because a person is on the phone or in your presense doesn't mean that they are all there. My personaltily won't allow me to throw everything out in the open. I don't like things being ALL about me, this is why I ask questions. I show my interest and I ask the whys and hows. I prove with my actions that I am interested in the person I'm with. I don't know, I just feel incompaitable right now. Like I don't fit. I keep hoping that this feeling will vanish, but as the days go by; it's only the same scenario. A ounce of me is living in her world. My thing is, will she ever thirst for more? Or has she overdosed on that little bit? Can she not handle anymore?

I don't like feeling like an attention whore, because I'm not. I'm just a person who is use to being studied by the mentally intrigued. So I'm waiting. Am I just waiting for her to get bored? Am I waiting for myself to get bored, because even though it rarely happens to me; I do get bored. I get bored when my brain is in park. I get bored when I'm not learning anything more. I get bored when the information highway is not directing two-way traffic. My interest starts to wander. The intellectual becomes a magnet to my attention, and up and away I go. I do need this girl to show, and give me more. I am finding myself demanding it and my words falling upon deaf ears. However, things like this no one should demand. I can't make anybody show interest in me, loll. That's insane. Either it's there or it isn't. 2009 is suppose to be my year of not settling. However, I can't help but to feel like I started off the year doing just that.

I get these "Mica I want to get in your head" requests everyday, but it's not coming from the one I need it to come from. Gosh, I feel obsolete in this girl's world. The communication is off, the understanding is questionable, the beliefs are unspoken, and it's all making the future very blurry. As I tell her more often than not, I'll stick around for as much as I can take.

Absolute Exception

2008-12-25T13:47:00.000-06:00

She Got Me Going (Absolute Exception)

My life is in extreme high definition
My lady, my love with no definition
My heart doesn't need any explanation
My yesterdays are in no comparison
to what is going on in my present
do I dwell on the future?
My dreams are constant in pure perfection
Her face is what I see when I look in my heart's reflection
I'm gone
So far gone,
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

Love has not been on my side
I'm scared
Terrified of it's past deception
There is no guide, manual or list of instruction
It's all up to my discretion
Good riddance to my hesitation
I'm gone
So far gone
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

My mind clouded with fear
My eyes full of tears
Still I stay focused on our destination
My heart is one step ahead of the game
Dialed out and made that reservation
Table for two under the stars
our beauty overcast by candle light
Staring at the best things made under God's creation
I'm gone
So far gone
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

I do not speak the language of forever

I speak in the language of logic
In the name of reality
I fight against love to keep my sanity
You're now apart of my knowledge

Something I'll never forget
Our hearts clocks are set
Ticking
Waiting
Bracing
Hoping that this love bomb never offsets
But it will
Will we survive the blast
Will you be a mere thing of my past
Will the healing process be slow or fast
I'll hold your hand even through the crash
If we part
It's because you let go
Don't let go
We're gone
So far gone
Every rule we've bypassed with absolute exception

Nikki Part 3 - AGAIN

2008-12-21T09:11:00.000-06:00

Nikki Part III

It took her quite some time to warm up to me, and that is definitely understandable, because I was a complete stranger. Here she was in my living room attempting to empty her mental space and place it in my hands. I told her to take her time and only share as much information with me that she felt comfortable to. There were a few moments of silence, and during these times I took the time to look at her. She was indeed a well groomed woman; youthful with a sense of elegance that I hadn’t encountered before. There was no doubt that this woman took pride in herself and her appearance. I have known women like this to be someone who uses their physical beauty to cover up the mental bruises they portray. All those insecurities that lie within them. I could not help but to wonder would she be just like the rest of those women as I sat there tracing the frame of her perfectly sculptured body.

“I know you must think I’m crazy and I sincerely want to extend my apologies once again for showing up on such short notice.” She said with her eyes plastered to the pants of her white business suit. She looked up at me with such remorse, and my heart instantly went out to her. “It’s just that lately I have been struggling with so many emotions that I knew if I didn’t talk to someone soon I would completely lose it.”

“Well, I am glad that you decided to speak to someone. Most people don’t recognize the dangers of stress, and don’t act on their problems until something traumatic occurs. So kudos to you for that.” I sat there feeling so unprepared. I know I should have had my legal pad and recorder in front of me, but I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable than she already was. I would have to wing this one, and depend on my memory alone. “So what exactly have you been struggling with lately Nikole? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Oh Dr. Washington! My life has made a complete 360 in the past two months. Things weren’t perfect, but they were manageable. I had a wonderful career, a healthy bank account, a loving family, great friends, and the world was at my fingertips. I did not break when I lost the biggest case of my career. I didn’t break when my house burned down with everything that I owned inside. I didn’t break when my childhood friend of 31 years sexually assaulted and raped me. I didn’t break when I found out I was pregnant with his child. It wasn’t until my other half, my sanity; my identical twin sister took her life.” Tears were streaming down her face by this time. I felt a lump in my throat as well, because this was a ton of misery for just one person to take on.

I walked over to my fireplace and grabbed the box of Kleenex and handed them to her. “I can see how all of this would break you Nikole. I honestly wouldn’t know how to handle so much at one time myself. You prove to be a very strong woman.”

“I was raised to be strong, and to never let anything or anyone cause me to fall on my face. I was taught that every hurdle can be jumped no matter how high. But when I walked into my sister’s condo and saw her hanging from the banister of her staircase, I fell flat on my face.” She wiped her nose and dried her face. “I lost it that day. And the world that I once had, ended.”

“I know that you mentioned you and your sister were close. Were you aware of any problems that she might’ve had that would make her take her life?” I asked, as I sat there marinating in my own guilt. I felt so selfish and horrible for what I was about to do one second before this woman knocked on my door. I sat there looking at how miserable she was. Look at how much sorrow was in her life now that her sister was gone. I couldn’t imagine taking my best friend and family through this type of pain.

“She was a free spirit. She lived her life on the edge, and this was something that I was always envious of. I was the one who always had to have such a structured life, and I worried about everything. She spent most of her days trying to get me to loosen up. That’s why I don’t understand why she would kill herself!” she laid her head on the back of my couch and stared at the ceiling for quite some time. I wanted to interject, but I decided against it. “Her and my parents didn’t get along. She always jokingly said that if she were to die, they wouldn’t care, because all they cared about was me anyway. I never took her seriously on this matter, because mom and dad loved her.”

“How do your parents feel now? What were their conditions after the…funeral?” Speaking of death with my clients was something that I wasn’t comfortable with. I was trained not to hesitate in any of my words and deliverance when dealing with clients, but sometimes it is hard. I took a deep breath and awaited her response.

“Well my mother was a wreck. I knew it was more guilt than anything. My dad didn’t show much emotion. He didn’t cry at her funeral, but when he speaks of her now the sorrow in which he feels seeps through his pores. I know they both feel bad for the relationship they chose to have or not have with her, but now it’s too late.” She rubbed her stomach. “It’s too late for a lot of things…”

“Lots of things like what?” I asked.

“Once I finally came to grips with the fact that I had life growing inside of me, it was too late.” She started to cry again. “I hated that life at first. I selfishly only thought about me and I just knew that my career would be jeopardized because of this “curse” that was placed inside of me.” She shook her head back and forth. “He showed me. God has made me pay for my thoughts. He allowed me to grow to love the child within me and then He took it away from me!”

“Did you miscarriage?” I asked.

“Yes.” She said with a light chuckle. She dabbed her eyes dry again. “And here I was so worried about the baby ruining my career, and I lost the biggest case of my career on my own!” She looked back up to the ceiling and yelled, “I hear you loud and clear! I get it!”

“Nikole, I don’t know if you are a religious woman, but I must say that I don’t believe God does anything to purposely hurt us. Things happen in our lives that are meant to teach us a lesson, but Satan is the cause of all evil. I don’t think that God took the lives of your sister and your unborn child.” I hope that I didn’t overstep the code of ethics by dabbling too much into the whole religion thing.

“Maybe you’re right. Perhaps all of this was just mapped into my life’s timeline and design. Who knows? I just want to know how the hell am I going to get through this one with all my marbles still accounted for, you know?” She rhetorically asked.

“Yes, I know. Like I said earlier, it is quite apparent that you are a very strong woman with a great deal of common sense. I know that this is indeed a very high hurdle to jump and I am here to help you whenever you need it. Don’t hesitate to call me when you feel the need to. Besides, any friend of Bobbi’s is a friend of mine”, I smiled at her hoping to bring some light into her world as impossible as I thought it was at the moment.

To my surprise she smiled back. “I do thank you again Dr. Washington for allowing me into your home and listening to me spill my guts.” She laughed. “I don’t want this to be the last time that we speak and I know that I will need more than just this one session.” She reached into her purse and handed me her business card. “Please give me a call at my office so that we can set up something more legit and professional so to speak. I know your services aren’t free. In fact, here you go.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a hundred dollar bill. “Please take this, because I can’t leave here without paying you for just listening to me. You have no idea how much was lifted off of me just venting out to you.”

I pushed her hand away. “I will not accept your monies Nikole. You came here on behalf of a very dear friend of mine. I couldn’t possibly charge you for this. Let’s just consider this one on the house.” I winked as I got up from my love seat. “We will indeed set up regular appointments for you to attend at my office. Then I’ll have to take your money,” I laughed. We both headed for the door. “Well thank you for allowing me to listen to you today Nikole, and please expect my call sometime tomorrow afternoon.” I said opening the front door so she could depart.

“Please call me Nikki, Dr. Washington. I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of your evening.” She said walking out into the darkness of the night to her car.

I did call her the next day to set up our first appointment which is scheduled for today. I got in touch with Bobbie a couple days after my first encounter with Nikki. Now that she and I are well off into our separate lives and careers we don’t have much time for one another now days. Every blue moon we get together for lunch just to catch up on times that have slipped by us. It is always an enjoyable occasion and a pleasure to see how successful my friend has become. However, this last occasion was quite different. Everything was going well until I mentioned her name. The name of the woman who seems to become more and more mysterious with every thought that she steals in my mind. When I spoke the name of Nikole Seasons you would’ve thought Bobbie had seen a ghost. Needless to say our lunch date was cut short that day. I am curious to know why and I will find out sooner than later.

Cliff Hangers

2008-12-17T21:23:00.000-06:00

I revealed in my other blog that I'm reading Midnight by Sister Soulja. Not feeling it too much, but there was this line in chapter 32 that stuck out to me. It stuck out, because it's something that always seems to happen to me.

"I wondered if she even needed me to participate in this conversation. It seemed like she could ask me all the questions in the world, but was too jumpy to listen for my answers. Or maybe she didn't want any answers, I don't know." - Sister Soulja; Midnight

Please remove your heads from your asses people. Okay, maybe that was a rather harsh way to start off my opinionated rant on the subject matter. I just don't understand how people can go through life and not actually sit back and listen. I mean really listen. Listen with all of themselves, and I donʼt just mean with their ears. More so their minds and their hearts; our ears are just a bonus if you ask me. How can one spew the words I love you, and don't pay attention long enough to the person they claim to love? Isn't that like a contradiction in action? I believe so. I'll say this, I let artificial things, be exactly what they are.

It's said that I am too quiet, too reserved, too uptight, too technical, too mechanical, too organized, and too judgmental. Well, I couldn't give TWO fucks. Okay, maybe that was too harsh as well; I apologize. Like the quote reads, I just know a one sided conversation when I hear one. There is no need for me to waste my precious words and/or thoughts on you if I already know that you won't be attentive enough to listen. I know I'll be cut off for some random bullshit before I reach the ladder part of my sentence. I respect that everyone will not be interested in the things I have to say, but donʼt play yourself and tell me that you want to learn who I am, and you don't even show up to class. You're failing with flying colors.

The character Midnight truly reminds me of myself. He's different, and couldn't fit in if he tried. He always stands out, not in a fashionable sense, but in a mental sense, in his demeanor, and in his traditional ways. He's foreign. I was born right here in the United States of American, and I find myself feeling foreign to the ways of the American people. I was born into a religion and family that taught me to not blend in. It taught me to listen beyond what the ear canal can grasp and to see with my mind's eye. I have been mingling with people all of my life, that I knew didn't understand me. They took me to be just like them, but the handful of people that actually took the time out to listen to me quickly learned just how different I am. Just how out of the ordinary that I am. They were not too jumpy to catch on. Sometimes engaging with a person like me is like playing at the edge of a cliff. Jumpy people do exactly that; JUMP OFF! Damn, I wonder if I looked over the edge of my cliff, exactly how many bodies would I see stacked?

It's funny how the only thing some people hear is goodbye. They donʼt hear anything before the word. They donʼt even hear your footsteps moving toward the door. They are so stuck on themselves they donʼt feel their hands on your back pushing you toward that door leading to the final word. Oh how was my day? Oh, you didn't ask me that. Oh how am I doing today? You didnʼt ask that either. What makes me tick? Good question, too bad you didn't ask me that one either. Hold on for a second. Well, I've been holding on this entire conversation, because obviously you aren't even talking to me, but yourself. What am I thinking? If I begin to tell you will you sink or will you swim in my words?

Your feet are dangling baby, you're hanging off the edge of this cliff about to plunge to what seems like your destiny in the world of me. It all makes me realize that I'm just a temporary fix for some folks permanent flaws.

Nikki Part 2 - AGAIN

2008-12-13T12:24:00.000-06:00

Nikki Part II

"Don't worry yourself to death about this Denise. You are much too strong of a woman to be sulking behind some lost love". This, coming from the mouth of my best friend of twelve years. Cassandra has been in my corner through thick and thin. Every good and bad point in my life, she was there. So her opinion is one that I value very deeply, but she was also the most cynical person I knew as well. She has never been in love unconditionally. So her opinion on this matter was biased. "Why are people so hung up on love anyway?" she asked. "I mean, if you ask me, love is highly overrated. My heart is much too valuable to be giving it away all willy nilly"! She exclaimed.

"Cassie please! This is not what I need right now. I really just want to be depressed in peace. I gave this woman the past seven years of my life and for her to just walk away as if I were nothing, makes me feel like crap. So if you'll excuse me, I need to be alone." I said, attempting to give her an invitation out of my house. When she found out that Kelli had left me earlier that day, she hurried to be by my side. Equipped with cheesecake and a big tub of French vanilla Blue Bell ice cream. Whenever we suffer from any type of heartache, we retreat to our Golden Girl therapy session. Cassie truly did know how to cheer me up and I appreciate all of her attempts today, but it's just not working this time. Stick a fork in me, because Denise Washington is finally done.

"So you're kicking me out?" she asked obviously catching on to my hint.

"Yeah girl I'm sorry, but I'm just not in the mood to talk anymore." I said getting up from my favorite cream colored recliner.

"Well due to the circumstances, I will show you empathy and leave you be, but you better call me the moment you feel up to talking to me. Okay?" she was already at the door waiting for my response. I smiled slightly, because my friend is such a beautiful woman. I loved everything about her; I just couldn't help but to smile every time I was in her presence. Sometimes I hated that she had that effect on me.

"Okay, I promise." We exchanged hugs and kisses on the cheek and she was gone. When I closed my front door my world started to shrink by the millisecond. I knew that it was taking all of me to keep my composure in front of Cassie, and I am glad she left when she did, because I couldn't hold it any longer. I broke down to my knees right in the foyer of my little two story red brick home. My heart was aching something terrible and I thought for a moment that I might be having a heart attack. I grabbed my chest as it tightened and I began to sweat profusely. At that point I didn't care if I died or not, so I didn't bother thinking about dialing 911. What was the point of me living? The love of my life was gone with no good reason at all. She was my everything and my life is nothing without her. No one would really care if I were to leave this earth today. My place in this world is non-existent. I literally felt my heart breaking in two as I crawled to my kitchen leaving a trail of my sweat and tears behind me. My daddy always told me as a beautiful young woman living alone, I should keep protection. So I kept crawling until I reached the drawer where I stored that source of protection. I felt around until my fingertips came into contact with the cold steel of a .38 Smith and Wesson.

I felt the sharp impression the handle of my bottom cabinet was making in the small of my back. I gripped the steel that was now in my lap. "How could she do this to me?!" I screamed out loud. "She will feel pain when she finds out that my brains are blown all over my kitchen floor because of her." I double checked to see if I actually had bullets to even prove this point I was determined to make. I think I saw one, but it's hard to tell with these tears blurring my vision. Fuck it. All signs say go. I thought about writing a note, but if I did, that would cause everyone to think I did it for attention. That is not the case, because this world is truly better off without me in it. I guess love won the war. My apologies go out to my best friend, my parents and to God, because I know this will indeed give me a one way ticket to hell. However, if that is where home is, then I am ready to reside.

I shivered at the feeling of the icy barrel against my temple. I shut my eyes tightly and fingered the trigger. I was getting ready to squeeze when I heard a bang on my front door, which scared the hell out of me. I slowly opened my eyes. "This is so not the time", I said. Apparently a person can't commit suicide in peace now days without interruption. I heard the bang again; only this time it was louder. The only reason I wanted to get the door is because I thought it might be Cassie coming back for something she'd forgotten. Being that she has the key and could just walk in; I didn't want her to catch me in the act, so I eased the gun back in the drawer and got up from the floor. I cut through the living room and glanced out the window for her car, but the shiny black cutlass supreme sitting in my driveway didn't belong to Cassie.

"Who is it?" I asked tip toeing up to the peephole. Oddly I didn't see anyone; neither did I get an answer. I opened the door and what was a sunny day, was now a dark and gloomy day. I felt a cold gust of wind enter into my home when she appeared. She was breath taking and seemed to make the world stop spinning with her smile.

"I'm sorry, I'm looking for Denise Washington. Is this her residence?" she asked with such politeness.

"I'm Denise Washington," finally regaining control over my vocal cords.

She took a few steps closer and extended her right hand toward me, "I do apologize for stopping by under such urgent circumstances, but I was referred to you by a friend of mine and I need to talk to you." Her hand was still hanging untouched in the air waiting for my acceptance.

I was dumbfounded when I finally grabbed her hand. With my line of work, I get these kinds of encounters all of the time, but never have any of my clients been as stunning as she. "What is your name"? I asked out of curiosity.

I felt her fingers tighten around my hand causing me to look directly into her sandy colored eyes. I suddenly became lost in some sort of trance when she whispered, "You can just call me Nikki."

Lip Gloss Poppin' Bubblegum Princesses

2008-12-11T22:25:00.000-06:00

I'm going to keep this short and simple. With little or no insults. I won't make any promises though. I just needed to clear my chest. As we all know I'm trying new things, tapping into different characteristics to make me a better woman. More patience, more sympathy and understanding. The whole celibacy thing, which has already gone down the drain. I tried. I really did. What can I say though? Some things work for different people. For those of you like me; we can't keep that on lock for too long, or weird shit starts to happen. Our vision is impaired, and our senses are thrown off. We start putting up with bullshit that we would NEVER put up with.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a redundant cycle. In some aspects, I get stuck on the same level and meet the same type of person. I attract the same type of people. It's super annoying. I can't blame every person for the same thing, because there is obviously something in me that keeps attracting these people. When I'm trying to learn someone's story, their history, their likes, dislikes, and basically study their individual human design that God took time to create in His eyes; I need concentration. I need time to do that. I need me and that person to focus on this task.

Instead of getting that shared concentration, I get these mentally blind and deaf cases. The communication is damn near impossible. Forget a language barrier, there is a mental barrier which is much harder to surpass. I want to pull my hair out sometimes. Now days, it's so hard to sit and have a conversation with someone without any distractions, any sidebars, any random outbursts. It's like talking to toddlers. Incomplete thoughts, sentences, awkward pauses, song breaking interludes; it's crazy. At times, I'm like okay; I know I can be uptight, but really who can sit through this shit? Who can stand to have a conversation with someone who is only present in that actual conversation 10% of the time spent? The killer thing is that people really think that we're compatible for a relationship setting; lmaoo! If I can't even hold a simple and organized conversation with you, what makes you think I will put up with that window licking shit in a relationship? Must be out of their cotton picking minds. Oh and then, they often ask, "do you miss me?" Are you kidding me? Lmaoo.

Substance, mystery, confidence, organization, intelligence, articulation, and pride go into a great conversation. Lately, the only thing these females have been equipped with is lip gloss and bubble gum. Real simple like. *sigh. These are some of the reasons why I remain quiet and to myself. I don't speak to people, because I refuse to waste my breath in conversation with lip gloss poppin' bubblegum princesses.

Dead end.

Bedroom Bully - Tag!

2008-12-07T10:57:00.000-06:00

Okay, I've been fucked; I mean tagged. My bad ;]

By good ol' Reggie!!

Peep the rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.

2. Share 3 confident statements and then 3 questions about sex.

3. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.

4. Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here goes nothing...

1.) People ask me do I ever miss sex with the men dudes. I can't say that I do. Unlike a lot of lesbians, I never had a bad sexual experience with men, in fact they all were great. However, my happiness and GREATEST sex all falls on the land of Venus, where the women reside.

2.) Sex for me use to be like a 4Th meal. It was needed in some type of way on a daily basis. I got a grip, and slowed down a lot though. I will say that old habits do die hard. Better know this!

3.) I own about 150 pornos to fill that sexual void. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm not Kirk Franklin, and I wouldn't call myself an addict. I just like to have a selection. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Yo, answer me these...

1.) Having sex with socks on; does this not bother anyone, but me?

2.) Ever fell asleep after sex with the penetrating object or organ still inside of you?

3.) Public display of affection; ever seen it go too far?

I'm tagging...

Everybody who reads this shit!

Righteous Or Unrighteous - Beauty Shop Talk

2008-12-06T13:05:00.000-06:00

The Chair. The Main Stage. The Hot Seat.
Hear all and tell all.

So I woke up around 6:00a.m for my hair appointment this morning. Slightly hungover of course. I'll learn my lesson one day. I'm not here to talk about my drinking habits though. I'm here to talk about a discussion we had in the shop this morning. We all know that in any black beauty shop or barber shop is where the most juiciest conversations are held. Any gossip, drama, current events, break-ups, hook-ups and down right ignorance is caught here. I get my fill on these every 2 weeks when I sit in "Jay Why's" chair. Well this morning we had a topic that actually hit home, and had some ladies looking at me sideways. Of course I didn't give a fuck, and that didn't stop me from punching ignorance smack dab in the face; shutting it down!

So "Jay-Why" was telling us about a young lady that had been having problems for as long as we've all known her. She comes around for awhile, and then disappears in the night. No one will hear from her for about 6 months to a year at a time. Well this time she came back around a full blown lesbian! She thought that she needed to tell "Jay Why" about her recent choice in life. This didn't set well with "Jay Why". I actually thought the conversation was just going to be a passing one, but the girl actually came in the shop around 10:00 to get her hair done. Now, I grew up with my beautician and her brothers and sisters. Her mother was always like a 2ND mother to me. Keeping me from 4 months until I was about 5 years old. They were my family. We were all raised under strict guidance, and were taught from the same bible daily. However, we all grew up and set into our individual characters. We grasped our own beliefs, and made our own decisions. That's how growing up and life works right? It should be respected huh? Yeah right.

When "Jay Why" and the ladies got word of the young new lesbian's sexual preference, they flipped. Eyes were rolled, teeth were smacked, heads were shook, faces were frowned, bitches were tight about it. I smiled, loll. Because I knew the shit was about to hit the fan. True indeed, the girl had picked the wrong day to come get her hair done, because they were eating that ass alive! I must admit the young lady was lost, and she was still indeed trying to find herself, but the advise she was given was pure ignorant and hypocritical. Comments were made;

Them...

"Baby, you living in sin!"
"This is just a phase"

"Give the men one more chance."

"I knew that tongue ring was more than a fad."
"Yo' mama should have never let you go to that TSU campus!"

"Yo mama didn't raise you right."

"You need better guidance in life."

"You need to choose if you want to be righteous or unrighteous"

Me...

"Live your life and do what makes you happy. Find an understanding, realistic and truthful communication line with God."

"Be who you are, and laugh in the faces of the hypocrites telling you that you're living your life wrong."

"You have one judge, and one judge only. None of these bitches in here are flying high above the sky, so that makes them just as imperfect as you are."

Them...

"Are you gay?"

"Don't tell that girl that!"

"You're condoning her sinful ways"
"Meeky, you know better than that. My mama and your mama raised you right!"

"That's a damn shame."

Me...

"Yes, and I am happy."

"Don't tell her what? The truth?"

"I condone all you lying, nasty, cheating, and trifling fools."
"My mama raised me right, and did a damn good job. I in-turn took her values in life and became who the hell I was suppose to be."

"This is a damn shame."

Them...

**Silence**

Needless to say, that was the first time some of those women heard that I was gay my damn self. I am not the kind of woman to go flaunting her sexuality around and shoving it down people's throat. I am a private person, period. This goes for all areas in my life. I just hate to hear when heterosexual people down talk homosexuals and damn them to hell, when they are sinning themselves. No sin is greater or less than the other. There were women sitting in there who have openly admitted to cheating on their husbands, sleeping with their best friend's husbands, lying about who child is whose child, and the list goes on. So just because this young girl admits to be happy in her own life, with ONE person who happens to the the same sex as she, they go left.

The question was brought up, do you want to be righteous or unrighteous? Who are you or anybody else to say what is righteous or unrighteous? How about the young lady choose to be happy and live life for herself, and not for anyone else? I personally cannot live with knowing that went through life making only other people happy. Doing things or not doing things based off of what other people say and think. At the end of the day, these same people are doing what the hell they want to do, and not thinking twice about what you think. The fact of the matter is, people will always have something to say about how someone else is living their life, and how it's not being lived right. Well news flash, it's 2008, we live in the devil's playground of sin and imperfection. We were born NOT to live this shit right, because thanks to our fore-parents; that task is downright impossible; unless your last name is CHRIST. The last time I checked it was only one dude that EVER walked on this earth rockin' that pure garment. Now that's some righteous shit fo' yo ass!

After all of that was said and done, my shop experience didn't even turn out as sour as I thought it would. Some of the ladies still had their opinions as they are supposed to, but they respected it. A couple thought about it, and agreed with me. "Jay Why" just changed the subject, loll. When I got ready to leave, we play fought as usual, and I told her I'd be back in 2 weeks.

As for the newly found lesbian girl; she thanked me for stepping in and having her back. I didn't really step in to have her back parse; I just stepped in and shut down the ignorance at hand. Plain and simple.

Nikki Part 1 - AGAIN

2008-12-04T18:14:00.000-06:00

Okay, I know that Chinksz and Dreamy will be mad about me for this, but I have to do it. I need the motivation. I'm re-vamping The Nikki Memoirs. There may be a few changes, so read it again ladies. Don't bash me too hard, seriously. I'm going to finish it this time. So to those of you that are new to this blog, Welcome to The Nikki Memoirs. It's an online short story that I started, shit about a year ago now. I'm a slacker, and never finished it. So read it, hopefully it will keep you coming back for me. If I don't follow through, Jazmine Sullivan my ass, and bust the windows out my Chevy. I'll deserve it.

Nikki Part I

I knew that she needed me the moment I stepped foot into her life. She was a creature of a different species. Only one person could balance her the way that she needed. She needed a life saver, a confidence booster, an ego caresser, and that person was me. I was not meant to be in her life until the end of time. I didn’t know how long I was supposed to be visible to the eye, how long my footprints would stretch across her brain, or how long my scent would linger in her world. I was not in this for love and affection; I was in this as a simple favor. Instead of keeping me as just her cushion for comfort, she made me fall in love with her. Every time she sent me away packing, she drug me back into her life at her selfish convenience. When will my contract end? How long do I have to baby-sit her insecurities and hold her hand through everything she doesn’t want to walk through alone? I have to find a way to escape her grip. My duty calls elsewhere. I have another life to save.

For now I am here with her. Things have been pretty bumpy since we met. Our emotional love roller coaster is an unpredictable one. There are times when I am a part of her everyday routine. Not a night goes by that I am not in her arms. Then there are times when months can go by and she doesn’t think of me or let my name slip from her tongue. I am forgotten and I am not needed. Things are different with her. Normally when I am neglected, I don’t let it phase me, because I know that it comes along with the occupation description. This time I feel something. Could it be what they call jealousy? I know I’ve made many enemies that have wanted to gut me like a fish, because I felt these certain individuals were getting too close to her heart. All I do is laugh, because no harm can be done to something you can’t touch right? Ha; the jokes on them. I know it and she knows it. I am a skeleton in her closet that only comes out when the time is right.

“Who is she?” is what the outsiders ask time and time again. “When can I meet her?” is what they desire after my presence is accepted. "How come she is never around?” is what they wonder. So who am I? I am whatever the insiders want me to be. Just like everyone else, I have a story. It’s said that I grew up in a normal household. Raised by two loving parents with a healthy marriage. Daddy had more money than one could imagine and mama had more imagination than that one just mentioned. My life has been labeled as perfect; personality, body, face, career, salary, home and friends. I am perfect. I couldn’t mess up if I tried, because I am what they make me. My life is lived on strings and they are my puppet masters. My background only goes back so far, perhaps my next encounter will add on to my pencil written story. So many of my memories have been erased; from siblings, to pets, to lifestyles, to religions. Although I have been stable for the past three years, who knows when my strings will be snipped and I’ll have to hop in my cutlass supreme and drift into the next world.

There is just one thing stopping me. I have been trying to figure it out for quite some time now. I have been having this annoying thumping, burning and eerie feeling in my chest. It starts to hurt every time I think about leaving. The pain seems too much to bear. When I think of her leaving me, I get angry. I do things that I know aren’t right. My mind is telling me to go and that it has been time to go; for she is happy now. My job is done. But that thumper in my chest is telling me to stay and I will let all hell break loose if she tries to stray.

Oh, what’s my name? Well I’ve gone by many and have stolen the identities of plenty, but she calls me “Nikki”.

My Ink Traces

2008-12-03T16:59:00.000-06:00

Screenshot of my other blog:

The Life Of A Word Hustler

I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the love shown on this page. I'm going to try and post more here. As you can see, I mostly empty my head out on whatever random female is clouding my thoughts at the moment. Or a couple posts on long lost ex-girlfriends. Or my super grown woman crushes. Or me possibly breaking the heart of a nice young lady. Either way, I don't post often enough.

So if you're at all interested, go check out my other blog. That is where I do most of my postings anyway. If you just want to be nosey and see who I'm screwing at the time, come back and visit this one. Oh wait, I forgot; I'm celibate. =\

Put It On Ya

2008-12-02T17:58:00.000-06:00

More videos from downelink.com

I'm kinda feeling this song. Plies is small and full of testosterone, but I dig his swag. He's constantly rapping about fucking, but hey I like fucking. Don't you?

SURREEEE YA DO!!

Miss. Bad News

2008-11-30T15:09:00.000-06:00

Wow, what a depressing day. I stayed in my apartment all day; ignoring calls on my house phone and my cell phone. I just wasn't up for anything or anyone today. I watched a couple movies, but my emotions were all out of wack, and it's not even that time of the month. I don't know what is going on with me. I had these frightening urges to be held, to be near family. Not just any family, but family members that are dead and gone. My brother being one of them. It was just an emotional ass day.

It all started last night. I was talking to DeeJay, and we were discussing a blog that she recently wrote about me. The blog made me feel like a monster. She entitled the blog; Always A Bridesmade; Never A Bride.

Always a bridesmaid NEVER a bride... ughhhh. y0u know when women use the term "always a bridesmaid NEVER a bride", I use to laugh. I couldn't relate to that statement. I never really understood the frustration behind the words. ha But now not only do I relate I'm eating those very words. Over the time of about two years Ive became VERY attached to someone. She amazes me..I soak her up like a sponge. I'm so receptive to her, She just might be the realist person Ive ever known. uh my [oldie but goodie] I cant get to her, I cant break through to the notion that I'm just not enough for her... She want so much more than I can give her...Even though I have surrendered my heart to her that in its self still isn't enough.. She is; strong, focused, opinionated,independent,intelligent,stubborn, experienced, mature,a time bomb waiting to go off. I am; Nice, soft spoken, hesitant, RANDOM,clingy,timid,forgetful,the calm after the storm. We are complete opposites, I sometimes have to ask myself why I stick around when it seems the reality is that her and I will NEVER be anymore than what we are now. But Ive worked to hard Ive come to far with her. I love her with everything in no exceptions, its 100% unconditional I pray for her, I think of her through out my day, I keep her close to my heart and carry her in my spirit. But in some ways I just feel invisible. I get passed by...by these random ass females while I patiently and persistently wait in line like go0d fucking Samaritan that I am.. (for the record good girls DO finish last) I'm constantly reminded of how much I lack..It is forever in my head of how much more I need in order to even be considered for the position "As your GIRL" I say I love you and you say its mutual, but its like " I love you but we cannot be" and that hurts more than you ever know. I date and talk and try to meet people rather than sit around and wait for you to see that yes I have flaws but I'm still a good catch, I am as close to heaven as you will ever get, but I guess when your done doing all the fishing in the sea you'll realize I'm not in the water with the rest....I cant swim.....

My mind state right now is on some deuce, deuce shit. Straight up catch 22. For the past 2 years, I knew that I was bad news for this girl. She's an angel, she's fragile, and the last thing I want is for an asshole like me to come along and break her heart. I've been picking the poison over the cure it seems like. That's the human way though. We opt to love what's bad for us. The cure is always right under out noses, or tugging at our hearts. We're good at tuning out the things we don't want to hear, but it's those same things that we need to hear. I use to ask why all the time. Why was I attracting the same type of females? Why could I not find a suitable female? The answer has been banging on my door it seems like for 2 years, but there is so much energy that would have to go into this one. She has a lot to learn, and I made a promise to myself that I would not play the role of the teacher again. It's a lot of headaches and heartaches involved in it all.

I decided that I would want her, my friend, my very good friend happy. I can't say that she'll be happy with me. At this moment in my life, I don't know if anybody will be happy with me. I'm bad news, and my never ceasing and intimidating ways are no good for the weak hearted.

The Number

2008-11-25T22:58:00.000-06:00

Does the number of one's sexual partners matter to you? I mean say you really dig this person, and you're loving every moment of their company and conversation. Then the topic comes up involving your past relationships, lovers, encounters, sexual escapades. Then they hit you with that million dollar question. I mean you know that your number may be kinda high, so you quickly say, "you answer first!" Then they respond with "3" you're like wtf?! Only 3? You instantly feel horrible, because you know your number is probably 18 times more than that. You still end up telling them though. Does their perception of you change? Will they hold you accountable today for the actions in your past. Will there always be a trust issue in the possible future relationship?

It's true that my past will always be a part of me, but I can honestly say that I am not the same woman I was last year. Or the year before that, and damn sure not the year before that. However, that number I can't escape. I like to keep it honest with people, so if I am pursuing someone, and she asks me what my number is; I tell her. I throw it to the wind, and not even with caution, because that fact is just a itty bitty part of me. Every encounter that I had has gotten me to where I am today. Negative and positive. All walks in life, or in this case lays in life have some type of impact on you. This could be why my mentality to women and sex are severely damaged. Yes, I've slowed down tremendously, but old habits die hard.

Am I embarrassed about my number? Well as we all know, Mica is much to fly to be embarrassed, loll. Seriously though, I'm not embarrassed, but I'm not proud either. I've made countless mistakes with x amount of people. I can't take these temporary moments of passion back. Although, some of them I wish I could, due to the pure wackness of the encounter, loll. But hey, when asked what my number is, I lay it out on the table. For some it may be a hard pill to digest, and some may just view as my history. I've learned to realize that the insecure ones hold my past over my head, and the confident ones could give a damn about my past, because they are in my present.

So if you ask a person what their number is, and the digit(s) are put out there; how do you digest it all?

Vow Of Celibacy??

2008-11-24T18:00:00.000-06:00

There are two words that I am highly allergic to, and they are relationship and commitment. I heard both of those words at least 20 times each last night while talking to Champ. I just met this girl not even a week ago, and these words are already being said way too many times. Too many references are being made to "us". My skin is crawling right now just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, this is a very lovely young lady, and so far she seems to be a cool person. The fact of the matter is, I don¢t know her. Now every time, I say I'm going to do things right, and not sample the goodies, I fail. I am always cool afterwards, because I have that male mentality and I'm able to separate my feelings from sex. On the other hand, most females are not able to do this. Champ is one of them.

Dammit, dammit, dammit! The aftermath is that of dreamy sighs, eyes, and those dreadful references to "us". I do blame myself, because by now I should have learned my lesson. Everybody is not like me, and sex complicates things for most people. Now if I don't call her, or at least halfway acknowledge her like she acknowledges me, I'll be labeled a dog. I would like to get to know this girl, but at a normal pace. Lesbians are getting besides themselves now days, with this speed dating crap. Talk one time on the phone, and then a couple days later they're in a relationship. I can't do it! I've done it before, and it only led to a crash and burn situation. I'm not in the mood for all of that.

Champ may or may not make the cut. That has yet to be determined, since it's only been a short period of time. Mentally, I've already found myself holding back, because I'm not sure if she'll be able to match that. I may be underestimating her though. We shall see though. Yesterday was the first time that I felt bad for talking to someone other than DeeJay. It's hard to be at a stand still for DeeJay though. She lacks so much experience in many areas in life. I know one thing, I have to stop choosing the freak over the angel though. I mean the pleasure only lasts so long. For me, if your mental isn't hitting right, the pleasure only occurs maybe twice, and I'm gone.

I may be reaching far and beyond when I say this, but I think it's time to take a vow of celibacy. Sex only labels me a slime ball and a heart breaker, and an occasional stalker or two. I'm getting too old for this. It's time for me to stop living by the Biggie Motto: "If they head right, Mica there every night." I can do this the right way. I've been working ass backwards in this whole dating thing. Maybe if I get my act right, I won't be so allergic to the words relationship and commitment. I'll welcome them both with open arms.

LMAO! YEAH RIGHT!!! YA'LL PRAY FOR ME!

Blast From The Past!

2008-11-20T21:39:00.000-06:00

Last night I got in from work, settled in and started my nightly blog reading and commenting, when I got her call. I hadn't spoken to LeLe in about six months. The last I heard she was in town over the summer, and I made it a point to be missing in action. I'm not sure if I spoke about her in this blog, but this is my ex from way back in the day. We were together for four years; most of the while I was in college. I met her in college, away at Stephen F. Austin, freshman year. She was from Jersey, and I loved her sassy attitude and thick northern accent. The girl was bad, and I was freshly broken into the lesbian world by my 28 yr old lesbian cherry popper, loll. I was OUT, about and ready to get me a girl. That is when I met LeLe, at the ripe age of 18. She claimed to be 17 at the time, and It didn't take much for me to fall in love with her, of course. I needed something to get my mind off the fact that I broke my ex-boyfriend's heart at the time, by switching teams in the middle of the season (how he puts it) loll.

LeLe stole my heart man, and has had this magical power over me every since. We had been through a lot. I mean more than one would think a person like me would go through with anybody. That girl, now woman was the exception to my every rule. This girl made my life, ruined it, and then made it again. I'm not going to go into all of the details, but that was the one relationship that helped form me into the person I am today. Some of the ones who know me, are like "that damn LeLe", loll. I know, because I am a pretty cold hearted person, let them tell it. I am bittersweet about my lessons learned in that relationship. I am happy that I survived the LeLe Chronicles, and I'm happy that I got over the "fuck love" stages and actually loved another after her. When she went back to Jersey, I can't lie and say that I wasn't lost. I had no idea where I would end up in the name of love. I couldn't see any other, but her. I was sick ya'll. I was not the Mica that everyone knows me to be. I got through that though.

She still had that power over me though. Every time she came back from Jersey, I went missing, and everyone knew that LeLe had touchdown in H-town. In some strange way, my heart has never been able to totally release her. I haven't seen her in almost a year, and hadn't talked to her before last night in almost 6 months. It felt very awkward having a conversation with her. Right now she's in a relationship with a 31 yr old woman and seem to be happy. We caught up on what's been going on in our lives for the past 6 months. I almost appreciate the time that we don't speak, because I have control over my feelings and thoughts. I have no question marks swiveling through my mind during conversations with anyone else. I'm at peace, but leave it to LeLe to pop up on the scene and stir the pot. She's a punch spiker, and leaves you with unexplainable and indescribable feelings. I can't stand it.

My blast from the past, who has played the part of my most sweetest addiction and most deadly addiction. I don¢t know when we will speak again, but I pray to GOD she doesn't touchdown in Houston during the Holidays. I may have to flee the city. Seriously.

My Closet Door - Forever Unhinged

2008-11-17T19:43:00.000-06:00

Lately there have been quiet a few celebrities coming out of the closet. I mean I guess it's not that much of a surprise once the announcement is made, because some things are just THAT obvious.

Take Clay Aiken for instance, Stevie Wonder could see that he was gay.

Lindsey Lohan has been seeing Samantha Ronson, the DJ for quite some time. Me being gay, I know that most "straight" feminine women who claim to be just "friends" with lesbian butch/stud women, are lying. There is some sort of romantic interest there.

LAS VEGAS - Comedian Wanda Sykes says the passage of a same-sex marriage ban in California has led to her be more outspoken about being gay.

"You know, I don't really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn't feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life," Sykes told a crowd at a gay rights rally in Las Vegas on Saturday.

"Everybody that knows me personally they know I'm gay. But that's the way people should be able to live their lives," she said.

Celebrities have it hard when it comes to leading any type of secretive life. I feel bad for them at times. I mean the money and the fame is great, but it comes with it's own price and sacrifices. Your personal life being one of those sacrifices. Mo' Money, Mo' Problems right? Hell yeah. They can keep that. I value my privacy too much for all of that.

Just this year I saw Wanda Sykes in Bush Intercontinental Airport out here in Houston. I was there to pick up my friend flying in from Florida. I was highly pissed off at the time, because I had been in that airport much too long trying to find her behind, and while standing there looking mad, I saw Wanda Sykes standing right in front of me. She looked different without the extra Hollywood make up, and the power of the digital camera. We caught eye contact and I smiled. I really didn't know what to say. I'm not a star struck kind of gal, so I wasn't like boiling over with excitement. She said "hello" and I returned with a "hello Ms. Sykes." Then she told me not to look so mad, and I just told her that I had been in that stupid airport for almost 2 hours waiting for my friend. She told that she hoped I found her soon before I hurt someone, and that was that. My "gay-dar" did go off though. She didn't look butch or anything, but she just gave off this gay vibe. She wasn't with a woman or anything, but I believe her bodyguard and a couple teenage boys. A few people stopped her once they realized who she was. She was very down to earth, but I imagined that she would be just by seeing her on television.

So now she's confirmed my assumptions. They were wrong for revoking the same sex marriage law in Cali though. So I can understand her and all the other folks anger out there. "You know, I don't really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn't feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life," I really liked this quote, because I am the same way when it comes to my life. I grew up in a family that is very private when it comes to their personal business. So I have not had this whole big "coming out" ceremony with my parents or anyone else for that matter, because I choose to live my life without announcements. I'm not in the closet, but I don't feel the need to yell it out to the world my sexual orientation either. If someone happened to asked, I would tell them the truth, and that includes my family. The thing is, no one ever asks, loll. My parents never will ask either, because we are just that private. As long as I'm doing alright health and financial wise, they feel they don't need to know all that other stuff.

We were talking about the homosexual statistics at the beauty shop this weekend. There are still some ignorant people out there who will never accept homosexuality, just like there are still some people who won't accept black people. Bottom line, the world will forever be ignorant in some way, shape, or form. McCain wouldn't have been able to change that. Obama won't change that, and whoever comes after him will not be able to change it. That's just not in the plan, sorry folks.

Why Must I Not Chase The Cat

2008-10-31T21:38:00.000-05:00

6:15am I had to go off on somebody. Someone attempting to play head games with me. Charging me up about supposedly disregarding them. Here is my thing; communication goes two ways, and no one person should be held responsible for reaching out all of the time. We are both adults, if we want to call, then we know how to pick up the phone and dial one anothers respective numbers. This brings me to the point of this post. Some females just wanted to be chased. They want you to go out of your way to contact them, and get bothered by the fact that they are not answering the phone. Um yeah, that's not going down over this way. I could care less if you're available or not. I have too much going on in my day to be chasing some female. This is called ADULTHOOD. I am not in high school anymore sitting around all day thinking hopelessly about ANYBODY. Money has to be made to survive, and nobody is going to make it but me.

I'm not sure how many times I've written about validation, and people "needing" some form of emotional security from other people. I understand, we all need somebody. This is what family and close friends are for. Not everybody who flashes a pretty smile at you walking down the street. That is no type of connection, that's called being polite, get a grip! I had a few conversation with this female, and she thinks that my entire life should be revolving around her. Think again baby. Loll, my friend was telling me the other day that some females like to be shitted on. Because, if I were chasing her, she probably wouldn't be giving me the time of day. It's the simple fact that I'm not devoting all of my attention to her, she's probably asking herself why? She did tell me that she is use to people being wowed by her, and that she always gets her way and what she wants. Hm, well like I've been for most of the year with damn near everyone I've met, I'm still UNIMPRESSED.

This one hasn't done anything differently than the last one did. Hell she has some similarities that the fake one did. The childish antics, no conversation full of any type of substance, and no ambition in life what so ever. Man, what are you plans in life? This really isn't about one person though. It is about me and why I opt to not play the chasing game. I don't feel that people are worth my chase. I do apologize if that makes me sound cocky in any way shape or form. Then again, I don't apologize. What makes people think that they are worth the chase. What are they bringing to the table that makes them look to be the proper replacement of the last loser? Good question, and so far, nobody has been able to answer that with solid backup. So back the fuck up!

Invisible Love Affair

2008-10-27T21:32:00.000-05:00

Invisible Love Affair

I would describe her as perfect

but she's above and beyond the definition of such

stunning from top to bottom

beautiful from the outside on to the depths of her soul

ashamed of the fact that I've lost control

my mind is gone

my thoughts abducted

my love's cup overflowed and erupted

I'll surrender my last breath for one chance to touch it

she is the epitome of me

just what my mind's painted perception desires her to be

traced within walls of my eyelids

she is just all that I manage to see

it's become the greatest blessing in life just to blink

tangled in the web of my own deceit

struggling to fight against the urge to be free

free from the truth

escaping the screams of reality ready to break loose

now facing the question of what's a girl to do?

The greatest love we make is inside my own head

I'm speaking loud and clear

but she can't hear one word that I've said

See I know her, but she doesn't know me

the only one in this woman's view is she

I am neither here nor there

temporarily trapped in this invisible love affair

T. Nicole

It Isn't In Me

2008-10-25T21:36:00.000-05:00

Affection? Who is that? What is that? I never heard of it! Somebody must've taken that trait from me and made a rest in peace shirt of it! Lol. It is just something I cannot get into if I'm not madly in love with someone. And lets face it, when am I ever madly in love with someone? I understand that people, especially women can tend to be very affectionate, and it sometimes makes me want to run away quick. The testing all day, the having to talk to me on the phone everyday, asking if I miss them. I mean really, when do I have time to miss you if you're hitting me up ALL DAY?! It's sort of a turn on. I dig a woman who poses to be a challenge, and won't make things so easy to grab. I need that mental challenge. Make me earn that affection, because you're damn sure going to have to earn mine, ya dig?

At this time in my life I'm not really sweet on anyone in particular. I've decided to let Jamaica tend to her girlfriend, and eliminated myself as the option in her life. I always have a couple lingering prospects that show interest, but I can't just seem to get into any of them on a significant level. Nothing is being brought to my attention that I have not already seen before. I just see more emotional distress on their behalf and not mine, because I won't be able to deliver to them what they expect me to deliver. Affection being one of those expectations. Maybe right now, I'm just not feeling the whole dating thing. I haven't gone out of my way to search for love in I can't even tell you how long, so that is definitely not being thought of either.

I was talking to someone earlier who was having a bit of trouble expressing herself. All I kept hearing was "I don't' know", and no sure answers to any of my questions. That bothered me, but it also helped me to remember that I was once that way before myself. I've come along way with expressing my feelings, but showing my emotions are another story. I'm still working on that. I just have always believed that people aren't deserving of looking at me from the inside, out. There are some tests that must be passed in order to get to the softer side of me. I don't trust people, and busting myself wide open for someone who may or may not be around even a week from now just isn't in me.

It isn't in me to desire to cuddle up next to someone for extended amounts of time. It isn't in me to want to talk to somebody every minute of my day. It isn't in me to miss anyone at this time. It isn't in me to want to go out of my way to see anyone at this time. It isn't in me to spend any of my time. The last person I had any of this in me for turned out to be a fake ass Puerto Rican mother of 4, who had me believing that she was a fine ass black successful woman; mother of 0. Don't get me wrong, one bad apple didn't spoil the entire orchid for me. I've had a lot of bad apples in my life time thus far, and I still have hope in finding that one apple that will make my love life more bright than it's ever been before. I have HOPE in that, but right now I'm not concerned, thinking or looking for that.

Sometimes, I meet nice people, who are sweet, warm and welcoming, but I just can't find it in myself to match that sweet, warm and welcoming nature that they are giving off. Yes, yes, at the end of the day, at least I can say that I remained who I was, and did not compromise myself for anyone, but sometimes my conscience gets the best of me. I feel that I may be running away some pretty good people here. Maybe I am too tough on some people. That form of love does not work on EVERYBODY. Just because I had to go through it, and became the strong woman that I am, does not mean another person has to go through the same thing to become just as strong. So I sit here and say that certain traits like affection just isn't in me, but maybe I haven't searched deep enough.

Nikki Part IV

2008-10-25T09:14:00.000-05:00

I knew people referred to the world as being a small one, but I didn’t think it was this damn small. I was well aware of what I was getting myself into when I entered the life of Ms. Denise Washington, but this was way more than I bargained for. I didn’t think she would be this beautiful. How could a person like her be so weak? She seems to have it all together on the outside; inside she was a complete mess. Sort of like what she made me out to be. Or more like what I made myself out to be on our first encounter. I had no idea how I would weasel my way into the head of a “head doctor”, but I found my way in when I found out her and Bobbie use to be such great friends.

Humph, Bobbie. She was quite the character. No wonder Denise stopped fooling with her trifling behind. I spent thirteen precious months with that basket case. She took me and everyone else in her life through a whirlwind. She didn’t know a good thing if it slapped her in the face. She used people non-stop and when someone finally came into her life and gave her a dose of her own medicine, she didn’t know how to handle it. That is why I stepped into the picture in the first place. She was about to break, because she was being stepped on. This man she called her husband used and abused her just like she had use and abused so many others throughout her life. She needed me just like all the rest did. I was eager to extend my helping hand, because in some pathetic way, I felt bad for Bobbie. She tried so hard to be this woman that she truly wasn’t. I was there to help her find that person inside of her. I was there to teach her ass a lesson once and for all.

Many sleepless nights came about, because she kept fighting me. She was a woman who was puffed up with pride and tried to push me away with every tactic that came to mind. But she soon realized that she couldn’t push me away. I was unstoppable. I was the elephant in her every room. As time went by, I knew she would soon accept things as they were and work with me instead of against me. Boy was I wrong. This bitch turned on me. She cried insane on me; placed us both in a white room with padded walls. This wasn’t what I signed up for. Something happened to me in that place. The woman I once was, was no more. She did not exist once the trial was over. She did not exist once the flames were put out. She did not exist after that casket was closed. Bobbie can be held accountable for all. I tried my best to be everything that she needed me to be. We made passionate love that was sure to ease her mind to the point where she forgot all else. I guess she was more hooked to that dick than I thought she was. Ha-ha, joke was on me. Or that is what she thought huh? No, not ever! The joke was on her!

I walked away from her with the explosions going off behind me. Now here I am. It looks as if I have found a new home. I have no worries of being caught, because as I’ve said before; I leave the scene with no fingerprints left behind. Bobbie indeed led me to Denise and that was the only thing the bitch was good for. The first task I must accomplish is teaching Ms. Washington how to keep her nose out of places it doesn’t belong. She’s too pretty to be on my bad side.

Welcome Back Jamaica

2008-10-06T15:23:00.000-05:00

I seem to be going through a situation that has always bothered me when it occurred in the past. You know how you meet someone and you give things a try and it just doesn’t work out? Then you and that person grow apart, but later down the line you start to converse again. You quickly realize that you both have grown in certain areas during that time apart. The feelings start to ignite again, but the only problem is that the other person is in a relationship with someone else. You know that perhaps the way you were before pushed them right into the arms of another lover. It’s a sucky feeling. However you and that person can’t help but to acknowledge the new found chemistry between you, the intense sexual attraction and the mind blowing conversations. You miss them and they miss you. You just can’t do anything about it.

I was reading a few of my blogs from last summer. It was the summer that I met “Jamaica”. I was a hardheaded asshole. Nobody could tell me anything. I despised talks about relationships and love. Then “Jamaica” came along and sat outside my heart’s doors. We talked through those doors for awhile. Then she tried to pry them open. That’s when my defense level went up to an all time high. I was horrible to her. I was a bitch, disrespectful and I didn’t give a damn. She stuck with it though for as long as she could. I hurt her and brought so much frustration to her life. That’s when we drifted apart. Fast forward to last this summer. Here we are; “Jamaica” in a relationship and I just got out of a bogus situation with that lying faceless bitch. Speaking of which, “Jamaica” finds that super hilarious and she says that karma has tapped on my door and drop kicked me in the chest, loll. She could be right, after all the shit I took her thought. So all in all, I suppose I deserved it. Who really is to say? I am just glad that she forgave me for the headaches caused. Even though the past situation was fucked up, it did not hold me down; it opened my eyes more so than anything. It helped me waken those feelings that I thought were dead. If I were to ever that the change with “Jamaica” again, I would do things right this go round.

We’ve already done our dirt, but she’s still with her girl. I have asked her did she feel bad for the sex crimes committed and she said no. Lately I’ve gotten really sentimental with her and I realize that I’m walking on dangerous grounds, because she’s not on the market. She could have a revolution any day and decide never to talk to me again, because of her current situation. Then I’ll be left with hurt feelings. Another knock from Karma? Maybe. I hope that is not the case though. Either way it goes, I ‘m just glad to have her back in my life no matter how long it is. The fact of the matter is that we have come along way since summer ’07 and I’ve come along way period. I just wrote a blog last week about not questioning things when the path is beautiful. It’s not broken and there is nothing to fix. I may not have her in the way that I want her, but perhaps now is not our time. I won’t question that. It’s just good to hear a familiar voice again that brings me great comfort. Welcome back “Jamaica”.

The Truth Comes Out

2008-10-01T10:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a hilarious day for me. Like Oh Em Gee!! Despite the fact that work was so busy I wanted to pull my eyelids over my head and run around naked screaming; I found out some amusing information about my phony ex "girlfriend". Now you know, I should be embarrassed that I was played by this fake bitch, but you know what I am laughing so hard that I don't even care. I still and always will come out on top, so that small fact does not phase me at all.

It is no secret that this is a small world, but the GAY world is even smaller. There is no longer six degrees of separation but there is three. It's always said that things done in the dark will sooner or later become exposed to the light. Well the light was shone yesterday BIG TIME! Not only did I find out that whoever this woman or girl is was guilty of the fake picture committee, but she supposedly has four kids, still messing with her ex husband, and is probably about 250lbs. Lmaooooooo!!!!!!!! She lied about EVERYTHING!!! From her car to her family and back to her ex who she claimed she has seen in person. Come to find out, every time her ex did make plans to go see her, purchased tickets and everything; the fake bitch would disappear and pop back on the scene with some dramatic story as to why she was M.I.A. When I say I fell out laughing when this information was planted in my ear; man oh man!!

So my hunch was right all along. Those déjà vu feelings were much too strong. It was only a matter of time before that bitch's cards were pulled. I didn't even have to fully hack this chick, go figure. Now with the information that I was given, and there is a lot more; I'm not even going to air all of this out to the people she has been lying to for years. I'm going to keep this over here, because it would be pointless and vindictive. Now I know she will hit the scene running again and will soon be back to her old game. She will also more than likely contact me again on some stalking shit, but the truth is at my fingertips and I will light fire to that ass if she attempts to step one fake ass toe into my world again.

Well this indeed teaches me a lesson yet again. Obviously I did not learn it the first time. I fell victim to yet another online faceless fake bitch. Laugh it up. Silly me. But you know what? Like I said above, Mica always comes out on top. I do know the dangers in trusting people that I meet online and 99% of the time they are lying about who they are and what they do. If you do engage in internet based relationships, friendships or future meet-ups; please be careful. These people are crazy and are doing anything for attention and some form of "love", because they lack the confidence and love for themselves. When some people's lives suck they try to bring everyone down with them. It sucks being right some times, but I'm glad that my point was proved.

Side note to the fake one whom I know is hanging on to my every word right now - Please get some help. You're going to run across the wrong individual who actually will use your address attached to your IP and come and do harm to you and possibly your children. For some people life is a game, but sometimes it can be ended up by someone else if you do not play fair. So whatever it is that you are not accepting within yourself, get over it. Although I'm highly amused by the truth of it all; I feel sorry for you, because you truly are sick. I'll pray for you.

Not Again...

2008-09-22T23:15:00.000-05:00

I think someone just died inside of my mind. I think the only way to get past this situation that just happened is to pretend that the other party never existed. I have a bad feeling in my gut that is telling me that I've been lied to for the past couple of months. That this person is not who she says she is and that so forth. Too many odd things happen and they happen at convenient moments. Something just doesn't add up. All of a suddent phones are off and I'm blocked every way possible in communication to this woman who just told me she loved me yesterday. The woman who just told me she was still very interested in knowing all about me and wanted to preview my novel; only to have her pull this stunt 20 minutes later with no words being spoken. I hope she is smart and never in her life tries to contact me again. She no longer exsists in my world. She is no longer breathing and her face has been replaced with a blurry smudge.

I've been having these deja vu feelings every since I met her and now they are starting to come into play for real now. I know I'll be up most of the night working my computer skill magic and getting down to the bottom of this before I completely kill her off in my head. Lol, I can't believe this is happening to me again. Lmaoo!!! Let the games begin.

Ten Seconds To Live

2008-09-22T12:43:00.000-05:00

So I'm trying to get back on track with my blog schedule. I haven't posted anything on my primary blog in a little over a week. The hurricane really threw everything off for everyone out here in Houston. My power is back on and things are almost back to normal in my neighborhood. I'll have pics and everything from the aftermath of the storm in my primary blog, so check it out later this week.

This Monday is going alright for me so far. Considering the emotional rollercoaster that I've been on. People now know me to be a pretty positive person. I try to remain calm in my spirit and as peaceful in my thinking as I possibly can. I learned quickly in my 24 years on my earth that my life is solely controlled by me. God is fully in my life to help guide me through everything that comes forth my way. Sometimes He will take me through things to learn certain lessons, but at the end of the day; it's me that controls the things in my life. Crazy, dramatic and heart retching things happen to all of us, but it is how we handle such things that determine the outcome of all situations. I realized a couple of years ago that when bad things happen, there is no use in drowning myself in sorrow and blaming the entire world for that bad thing. No need to put poison into other's world because of the current situation that I am living through. I get mad just like everyone else and I handle my anger in my own unique way. I may cry, I may curse, but I quickly get over things, because at some point it becomes detrimental to myself and my future. This depends on how long I choose to hold on to such anger. I can remember getting mad about certain issues and taking weeks to get over them. I'd remain angry with people and kill them off 6 million ways in my head to make myself feel better. This not only effected me and my daily responsibilities, but it effected other people I loved. I was one angry person, loll. I must admit. I was on permanent bitch mode, but that was one of the major changes that I had to make to preserve my life.

"Stuff your eyes with wonder…live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories." - Ray Bradbury, "Fahrenheit 451"

Even with all of the turmoil and stress that life may bring; its still a beautiful thing. I know that I am truly blessed to wake up breathing every day, have the loving family that I do, have the good health that I do, the loving friends that I have, the two jobs that I have and the roof over my head and the clothes on my back. I am thankful beyond words for these things and people. To be angry and negative in my spirit is only showing God that I'm ungrateful for these things and people. He works hard to protect me and make sure that I am alright everyday. So there is no need to be angry at people for small things for extended periods of time. When I have a problem, I know the best escape from that problem is to solve it. It's as simple as that. If I have people in my life that I feel do not appreciate me, take me for granted or take advantage of me. I eliminate those people from my life. No need in hating them and having long drawn out confrontations. Just eliminate the problem all together and keep living life to the fullest. Material things come a dime a dozen and so do friends an lovers. So I will enjoy all good things that come into my life and when that time is up with those things or people; I keep smiling and keep it moving.

Most people don't realize that we have 3 eyes and 4 legs. Sounds weird I know. But our strongest pair of legs are in our own mind and our strongest eye is in our own mind. It's those legs and that eye that help us keep walking as we say our silent prayer to help keep the strength going and our feet moving. I'm very proud to be at this point in my life. I have people 10 and 15 years older than me that haven't reached this point of peace and happiness in their lives. My mental legs are running faster than most people I know, and my mind's eye is seeing clearer and further than most people I know as well. It feels good. Out of all the crap that I've gone through last week; I feel good. Nobody can take this peace away from me. Many have tried to spread their poison into my life, but I refuse to let them. If I feel something or someone bringing my spirits down too far, it's time for me to move around. People are crabs in a barrel and will grab the first person they see moving closer to the top. It's sad, but it's typical for this day in age. So I use the tools that God has equipped for me and I do the work necessary to get myself out of such situations.

Anyway, I'm off my soap box now. I hope that my words have touched the hearts of a few individuals out there and they will begin to let the little stuff go, recognize their worth, and live life to the fullest. You have 10 more seconds to live, are you smiling?

Heart; This One's For You

2008-09-22T08:55:00.000-05:00

This week should be interesting for me. A lot of changes have happened over the week of my vacation. This is my first week back for a full work schedule. The end of the month is coming up and the workload will be pretty heavy. But that’s not the only thing that will be heavy. My heart is weighing pretty heavy right now. I've been praying that my current break-up goes smoothly for me and I do not find myself too down and depressed over it. Last night, I felt pretty stupid waiting on a phone call all night from my ex. It's easy to say that I won't and don't expect anything from her, but when you love someone you have faith in them. You trust the fact that they will do their best to make certain changes and not make the same mistakes over and over again. Love is and investment. You are investing your time, energy and emotion into someone in hopes of a pretty sweet deal in the process. It's like a stock market though. That stock that you've but ALL of your funds into goes up and down. When it's up, your smiling and you know you've hit the lottery. When it's down, it feels like shit.

I'm going to have to do some more praying and more focusing to keep my mind off of this whole ordeal. I don’t have time right now to not be able to function throughout my day. My days are much too long for that. I have too many responsibilities throughout my day. It's a bittersweet feeling. More bitter than sweet, because this woman is still heavy on my heart. I miss her and yes, I still want her, but I know what I have to do for myself. I also know that issues going on within her have to be handled without me. I was only there and played the same role as everyone else in her life that just accepted the way that she treated them. Don't get me wrong; I still love this woman, but I just can't take being beat down into the ground again and again and let it go as if it's okay. She doesn't know how to change and until she figures it out and actually goes full force into those changes, we can no longer be. Maybe there is someone out there who is able to handle her the way that she is. That's not me though. In my last blog, I stated that I've come way too far in my womanhood and my own personal changes to be beat back down and pressured into reverting back to my old ways. This is a great loss for me, but I know that time will heal this like it has healed all my other wounds.

Monday, 22 September, 2008

Aquarius (20 Jan - 18 Feb)

You have a fairly objective way of looking ahead and your plans for the next month may be based more on cool logic than on your emotional desires. You should be able to set your personal wishes aside for a while as you quietly focus on your commitments at work. Taking care of business is second nature to you these days, so accomplish as much as you can while you have the time and energy.

So my cool logic is now the director of my life's film again. For the past 2 months I've let my emotions direct my actions and my thoughts. It felt good for awhile, but when the heart is wounded; its not a good idea to let the emotions keep taking control. That’s when emotional suicide is committed. I have to be smart about this and give my heart the time it needs to heal. So focusing on work and other things that need to be taken care of in my personal life will keep my best interest at heart.

I was talking with my ex yesterday and we spoke about moving on to other "love interest" and I'm just not interested in doing so. There was a time back in the day that during this situation; I would have just gone off and slept with a couple people to ease my pain and replenish my soul in some sick way. I had that male mentality and dating a few women at one time would make all of my heartaches feel better. I stopped doing that though. In fact, right before I met my ex, I was not dating anyone and I was seriously taking time out by myself. I wasn't looking for love and I wasn't interested in dating anyone. This is how I feel right now. As sexually frustrated as I am right now, I don’t plan on hopping in the bed with anyone, because I know I would just be using that person. Those days are over. Long gone. So I'll beat these desires in other ways. I'll need a wish and a prayer though, loll.

I've been thinking about this way too much. I just have to throw this one up in the hands of the Lord like I do all of my uncontrollable issues. I'll let Him handle this one. I've prayed that he keeps me focused on my work and all other non emotional things in my life. I'm going to hop to it now. My leaf has turned over completely now and I'm only doing this for my heart. I made a promise to it a long time ago, and I'm holding true to that promise.

Up Waiting....Again

2008-09-22T03:25:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I'm up right now. I'm going to so pissed in 3 hours when I have to be up for work. I just feel really stupid staying up all of this time waiting for my ex to call me back like she said she would. I always do this. Expect people to do things that they say they are going to do. That has always been a very big issue for me. I know better than anybody that this just leads to great disappointments. Now I'm upset and can't sleep. I know this is really silly of me to expect this from an ex, because she surely isn't obligated to me anymore. I mean she did stuff like this when we were together. *Sigh* I will learn one day.

This next portion may be a little bit too much information for most people, but I don't care. This is my blog and I'm going to write whatever I want to. Another reason why I'm up is because I'm extremely sexually backed up. This is another thing that I was expecting tonight, and is yet another disappointment. I've been really good since July and haven't done anything at all. I'm a very sexual person and the feelings are controlled solely through mental stimulation. I've stressed this to my ex so many times and it just didn't seem to happen. Everyone is different and when it comes to sex I am very picky with it. It's always easy to lay someone the very first time, because its a total mental game. That is when you're getting into the mind of someone for the very first time. The mental foreplay is out of this world, if that person is capable of holding some sort of intellectual conversation. However, after that first time for me; the mental stimulation bar is raised. Something else has to be done or said for me to keep coming back for more. Sometimes, people get mentally lazy though and just expect the sex to come naturally. Not with me. You have to keep stimulating my mind and stroking that sexual ego, or it's a dud for me. I guess this is why my list is so long. I'm not proud of that, but that is a department I get very bored with very fast if my needs are not met mentally. Another one of my life's catch 22's.

So here I am up, mentally and sexually frustrated. Sleep has lost this battle. I have alot of thinking to do and a few decisions to make now. I won't go into such details in this blog, but will wait until I make those decisions and lay them out thereafter. This is something that I cannot do anymore. Wait up for someone else, no matter who it is. Its been made official that people will do what they want to do when they want to do at their own convenience. Being considerate and doing the right thing in my eyes is something that is often looked over by most people I deal with. Oh well, such is life right? A major event that is full of disappointments, trial and error. Well I'm going back to try and find the light in the darkness of my room. Goodmorning.

My Heart Is Still Smiling

2008-09-20T11:38:00.000-05:00

You know how sometimes you set out to accomplish a task and you put your all into it, and it just doesn’t work out? Well that’s what I’ve been doing all of this time since the last time that I wrote a blog here. I was taking on a task and a major responsibility in trust, love, honesty and loyalty. However this task could have only been accomplished with the help of two people. I set mini goals for myself in learning to accept, be patient and forgive. I succeeded at those goals too. I’m proud of myself and the friends who know me best have noticed the changes that I’ve mad as well. I didn’t only make these changes for me, but in the name of love for my girlfriend.

In every relationship you need that 50/50 responsibility. But we all know that the rarity in actually getting such a request honored. It’s usually one mate that is going the extra mile to preserve the relationship and taking the extra steps in communication and bowing out in grace to keep the peace. This is all great, until that mate gets tired. They realize that their kindness is being taken for weakness and that their love is being taken advantage of. It’s not fair and it hurts. I was honest and true to my lover. I didn’t cheat, I didn’t lie and I would have done anything for her. Because of her own issues; she accused me of cheating and lying and being a bad person. I was disrespected constantly and just yesterday I was called out of my name so many times and all of those insults and dirty slurs were coming out of the mouth of the woman who claimed she loved me. Did I retort back with insults? No. That’s not how I operate. When I say I love someone, I mean it and I still love her, even after all of the damage that she’s done to herself. She lost a good woman. I know that I can’t believe anything that she’s told me in the name of love in the past, because they were all lies. She is a liar and the real cheat. I forgive her though. I forgive her a million times over and I hope that the demons within her are knocked off, because she deserves so much more than what she’s giving herself. I just know that for me, I had to get out of that relationship, because it was not fair to me. I didn’t come this far in my womanhood to be mistreated and stepped over. I did the right thing and I am proud of remaining who I am after the smoke has cleared. However, when your heart is pure and your intentions are good and they are still being looked over, sometimes you just have to let it go. That’s what I had to do. I had to let everything go for the last time.

Do I think I’m stupid for giving so many chances and turning the cheek so many times? No. I don’t regret any of my choices one bit. I’m happy that all of this happened, and I think that it is the only reason why I’m not so heartbroken. Before I met her, I took a lot of time to condition my heart. I took that REAL ME TIME that everyone should take after a major heartache. I built myself up and equipped myself for the next round in the ring of love. I knew there was a possibility that I would be punched, kicked, bit and spat on, but my armor guarded me from all of that. I wasn’t completely untouchable, because I dropped more than a few tears in pain, but I’m human. I am happy, because I know now that I am still capable in being in a committed relationship with someone and actually being a good girlfriend. At one point in my life, I lost all hope in love and being in love. I never wanted to know the feeling again. I wanted to be by myself for the rest of my life. But after meeting this woman; I saw that love still resided within me. And after this woman, it still resides within me. Now that I’ve gone through another one of life’s lessons, I am much more ready for woman that is truly meant to be in my life. Sometimes we have to go through things and use situations and people as stepping stones to get to our real treasure.

I realize how awful I was to some of the ladies in my past and I have gone to a couple of them and apologized for my actions. You know what though? They forgave me a long time ago and they still love me. I was able to teach them lessons in life and they are a better person because of me. It’s a bitter sweet situation. They have recognized the changes in me and are proud of me as well. My journey in love is not over. I have a little more conditioning to do before I make my next stop and that’s what I plan to do. Maybe the few women that I’ve been ignoring all of this time for the likes of my ex can have a chance now. It’s funny how everyone sees how someone may not be good for you, but you’re totally blinded by the illusion of love and you don’t see it yourself. I see it now and thank GOD I came out of this one with an intact heart and in good spirits.

You Gotta Be Kidding Me

2008-08-26T12:43:00.000-05:00

I have never laughed so hard in all of my damn life. I will leave it at that. You know, I have been called a bitch a many a time. I've been called vindictive, spiteful and sneaky. I can't even lie and say that I was never any of the above. I know my words have a power like none other. And sometimes I do use my talent to my advantage, I won't lie about it. However, people fail to realize that when they do me wrong, I voice my opinion. I'm a writer and I write my feelings down. I have a way of putting them like you wouldn't believe. BUT, when I voice my opinion, I'm wrong. I can be called out of my name, ignored, tossed to the curb multiple times, but when I post one blog voicing MY feelings; I'm wrong! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!

"Girl you have got to pursue your writing. You can obviously bring about more change that Barack Obama" - My greatest friend Ma Kisses.

Lmaoooooooooooooo!!!!! Mica always has to bite her tounge for the likes of other people. Fuck all that man. I'm tired of being nice to unworthy people. Now folks wanna play the victim role. Well join the damn club. We're ALL victims. WE ALL LIVE IN HELL!! I get idle threats about having all my shit aired out on AMERICA ONLINE. "Are you kidding me?!" LMAOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

AOL?!! Really? I could do the same thing, but what for? No one cares. We're not celebrities. Nobody on AOL knows me and they never will. Man I've heard it all for one day. I will declare this as the funniest day of my damn life.

Thanks. My ass is on the floor; detached from my damn body.

Cover Girl - End "Game"

2008-08-26T11:10:00.000-05:00

My heart is so pushing to be spiteful, hateful and willing to seek revenge on the person that dogged me out. I have been trying so hard to work on myself and be humble in my persona. Trying to be patient and understanding toward people and accept them for who they are. More importantly who they were before I stepped into the picture. I am anything but a selfish lover, but I can't seem to find anyone who is NOT a selfish lover. I alter myself to fit into their worlds without bringing too much discomfort into their lives. My efforts always go unnoticed and I'm still dogged out. Why try? Why be what people expect me to be; only to have them turn around and treat me like shit? I mean I'm screaming and they refuse to hear what I'm saying. It's all about them and how they feel. I was caught in a catch 22.

When I said, I will let her be who she is and do what she wants to do, because she has every right to do so; I was told I didn’t care. When I listened to my heart and acted in unison with it and voiced my feelings and concerns; I was stepped on and walked over. So what is one to do when she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't? Either retreat or suffer defeat. I'm sick of attempting to put my all into these worthless females. Cover page women. The outside design is so nice and welcoming. That is until you turn the page and you see all of their fucked up ways and mindsets. Reason being why I never kept one female. It's not worth it. I was all set and ready to go into a committed relationship with someone I've never even seen before. Silly me huh? Well, I was listening to my heart, so don't judge me on that one. I take my heart seriously, but I guess when my heart skipped a beat; it became deaf and blind to the fact that this woman was capable of taking it and smashing it on the ground. All while not giving a damn. Which proves that sometimes "love" just isn't enough. It takes work; HARD WORK on both parts. One person should never be working harder than the other in a relationship or in our case persuing a relationship. She had a lot of good qualities, but the major ones needed she lacked. I can't hold on to shit by my damn self. I always felt I was playing the role of the "hero" as usual. Hell, even she told me that once before. Damn, when can I be saved? Do I always have to be the bigger person and take everything on my back? Everything is Mica's fault and is always turned on Mica. She always made fun of me for "taking too long" to take the next step. If I didn't have common sense, I would've BEEN taken that step. Flew head first off a cliff to my death. I knew we were BOTH not ready though and she proved that wayyyyy too many times.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You may be somewhat anxious today because the Moon in moody Cancer can highlight how uncomfortable you are with your feelings. But your emotions can be the source of strength if you don't try to avoid or deny them. Instead of closing down your sensitive perceptions, try to develop your spiritual perspective by focusing on your long-term goals.

My long term goal is to continue on this journey 100% happy with myself in hopes of finding a mate that is 100% happy with themselves. I want to continue to be a great communicator and find someone who shares in the same skills as I in that highly important task. I have so many things in my life that I want to accomplish and I have no problem doing them alone. I've been alone all of this time and I was just fine with that. I got a chance to see what it feels like to have someone there that I was perusing and putting my trust into. It felt good; then again, it always does in the beginning. People that I cared about warned me of this crash and burn destiny, and once again; they were right. I do deserve to be treated better than what I was and I do not need to waste my time on another unstable female. She told me that I don't deserve better and that I had the best. If I had a penny for how many times I've heard that shit, from the SAME women who decided to blatantly ignore me; man I'd be rolling in the dough. Oh how people contradict themselves so! Since when did double standards become OKAY? I guess I missed the memo. Anyway, I have too much going for myself to be held down emotionally and wasting my time on a hopeless cause. Too many fish in the sea right? Loll, right.

"Yes you did have the best. You didn’t want me anymore. I was too flawed for you. Lets see you find someone better. I can't wait to see who she is." - Well in the words of Tamia; HER NAME IS ME and baby it don't get no better than that! Dig it!

"Your games are old" - Lmaooo!! Apparently, I was much too serious. I won't even attack her character though and I'll be nice for once.

I wish that woman the best in her personal life. I know she is use to being who she is and getting away with doing what she does. Hey, who am I to stop her? I hope that she finds someone who is willing to put up with that. That's not my job. She was placed into my life for a reason and that reason was to see that love still does live inside of my heart. I am still capable of loving someone with all of me and meaning it. I thought that part of me was dead for so long. I know now that I am still equipped with the tools to be in a committed relationship; even if her and I never got to that step. I am not giving up on my journey in love. I'm not looking for it, but I know that it will come around when the time is right. Until then, I will continue to love myself and stay true to myself in my own life. God has brought me a long way from the girl that I use to be. I committed emotional suicide so many times behind failed attempts at love. Now that I am the woman I am today, I know what it is that I want and deserve in a lover. I went 4 years being dogged out by a girl and yes it did a number on me, but I stood up from that.

My heart is now conditioned properly and I needed this experience to bring it all on home for me. So no love is lost and no hard feelings to the woman who took me to the next step in my journey. I hope that she learned something from all of this as well. I stuck my foot in my mouth in pervious blogs regarding this same woman. I said goodbye a few times now and did not mean it. I hadn't learned my lesson and kept going back. She didn't change for a reason. God was trying to get me to see a point. Well I hear you loud and clear Lord. Thank you. I am thankful that I wasn't so deep into this that the déjà vu feeling had me down and out like it once had me years ago. I close this case with a happy and intact heart, a humble spirit and a smile on my face. I have no idea how she feels about me at this point and I do know that it is none of my concern any longer. People have a lot of perceptions of Tamica Nicole, but none of them will ever know the struggles I've gone through to truly become who I am. These females seem to have me TWSISTED. I would end this with screw them and their perceptions, but I'll be nice and end it with peace and love.

Truth of the matter is; this cover girl was no different than the rest. Now she's being replaced.

I Can't Do It Alone

2008-08-20T08:34:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I was just sitting here trying to organize my feelings into a poetic stanza. There's no way. I've never claimed to be a poet, because I always find myself having too much to say to limit myself to a verse or two. When it comes to the way I'm feeling right now; words can't really express how discombobulated my thoughts are. I'm floating in dangerous waters. It's so beautiful here though. The fears in my heart have me paranoid, thinking that a hammerhead shark will come and tear me to pieces at any given moment. I'll end up bleeding internally again with my heart brutally injured. More wounds that only time and faith can heal.

I do want to be with this woman, because she's proved to be the best thing that has walked into my life in a long time. I can name all the pros and cons and on some days the cons are healthier than the pros, but I still love her. She already has the ability to hurt my heart, because she just did it today and I'm not going to lie it scared me even more. I just want to get her to understand that it's not okay to keep stepping over me as if I'm nothing, because she doesn't agree with something. Communication seems to be our biggest issue. I try so damn hard to communicate with her in a civil manner, but she insists on seeing things her way and her way only. I have to remain patient until I can calm her down enough to actually talk to me. I have to be honest and say I don't want to have to do that every single time. It's not fair. I want us to work together and accept one another's weaknesses. I'm not asking her to be a crutch for me to lean on, because I've been doing just fine by myself all of this time. But in any relationship there will be some help needed.

At this point in time, I trust her to be who she is. She's been just that since the first day I met her. She has not changed on me. There is no mask that she's wearing and what I see is what I get. She is something else and I want to help her to understand that we are in this together and that I cannot fight these battles we create alone. She's kicking my ass man. Then she picks me back up and nurses my wounds. I always knew that I needed a woman to keep me off of my high horse, out of the clouds and in complete touch with reality, but damn man. This is rough. She is something I've never experienced before in my life. She's my greatest challenge. She's my best thing. She is now the reason why I cry. The reason why I smile. The reason why I laugh. The reason why I get angry. The reason why I'm proud. The reason why I can't sleep. The reason why I can't eat. The reason why I plan. The reason why I stand. The reason I am who I am. She is love. She is my love and I love her.

We both have some work to do before we take that big step. I would like to place it all on me, but after today; I do see that we have a few more hurdles to jump and a few more test to pass. I'm not going into another relationship blinded. I can't do it. I refuse to do it. We are going to make this thing work. We are going to make the necessary changes in order to work together and not against one another. It will take patience, faith and endurance. I hope that she will stick around for it. She says that I'm the one with my foot outside the door, but she's always the one to run through it first and is so quick to slam that same door in my face. The day that we BOTH accept one another and trust the love that is being built; causing us NOT to run away so quickly, is the day that I know we're both ready.

I want her to understand that I am not her enemy and that her best interest is deeply embedded in my heart. Every time we have a disagreement does not mean the end of is. It is like a dose of steroids that will only make us stronger as we BOTH push through it. I'm not her to kick at her, scream at her and disrespect her. I'm here to love her for her. I want her to do the same for me. There is no need to bring a gun to a butter knife fight. She aims to kill when she's mad, when all it will take is some simple communication. Today was the first time she shot me. I didn't see it coming. I wasn't even equipped with a weapon. The shit hurt man. I haven't cried over a female in so long!!!! It didn't feel good. I asked her did she want me to just let her be, because I do understand that it's not fair for me to hold her here against her will. If there is someone better out there for her, I want her to be happy with them. She apologized and said she would work with me. I pray to God that she does. Because I can't take that again. I've pulled her by the arm back into the door too many times already. I want her glue her feet to the floor and do not move no matter what.

*sigh. I could go on and on about this woman, but I'm going to stop here. I have a long journey ahead of me and I'm going to face it. Fears and all. I've said I was afraid all of this time, but not once have I turned my back fully on it. Hope she opens her mind and heart and realizes this.

Preservation

2008-08-19T10:55:00.000-05:00

Man, sometimes it bites being a woman. The last couple of days I've been so sensitive. I've been taking things to heart that people I love do and say. Or better yet; don't do or don't say. I don't show it, but I know the effects of it. It's not a good look. I'm becoming irritated with the fact that the woman that I love doesn't seem to pay me enough attention. This really kills me, because I'm not a person who thrives off of attention. I guess I'm just paranoid that she'll lose interest or something. It could be a figment of my over active imagination, but it seems to me that she isn't as intrigued by me like she was when we first started talking. How long does that last anyway? People get comfortable, declare themselves as knowing you, and that’s it. Let the bickering begin right? I want to preserve this, but I know I can't do this by myself. I don’t want to lose that "the first time I said I love you" feeling. There is so much more that we have to learn about one another and I don't want us to dwindle away from that task.

Last night I found myself reaching for conversation with her and I was saying some heartfelt things; only to get minimal responses. She says that she was bothered with something; which is understandable, but man. The things she was bothered with were irrelevant anyway. She was worried about people that have no meaning in her life what so ever. That is neither here nor there though, because her and I are different. The things that I find irrelevant, she doesn't. So I was there for her as I could be, but it was rather hard. I don't know what to say about something or somebody that means nothing.

Anyway, towards the end of the conversation, she seemed to be more enthralled in the chat room rather than what I was saying. There was nothing but silence on the phone. Why do I always have this problem? It has to be something with me, because this has happened with one too many people. I guess I expect to have this spine tingling conversation every time I talk to people, and it doesn't always happen that way. Hell, it hardly happens that way. I just don’t want the thrill to be gone with this woman. I'm not into arguing about small stuff and I'm starting to think that she sort of likes those dramatic moments we have. I hate them, so I do everything in my power to re-shape myself and my thoughts so that they won't occur again. She on the other hand clearly thinks that its okay and there is no need for change. Although, she has changed quite a bit and I do appreciate the effort no doubt.

I'm just having these déjà vu feelings. I feel like what I'm saying is going unheard or being blown off. I know that it's just me being overly sensitive. I just really don't want to put my feelings totally out there to be ignored or to be taken lightly. If she wants to be enthralled in online things or totally about herself, I'll just let her do that. Like I said, this isn't something that is new to me. I'm always placing my feelings on the back burner to listen to other people's issues and problems. My feelings, thoughts and concerns are hardly ever taken into consideration. Such is the selfish way of the world. Ahh, I can't wait until this week is over. I'm not feeling this sensitive shit. This is the reason why I don't put my feelings and emotion into anything, because what I feel like after it's done is not so good. I have to do what I have to do though. It is so much easier to not show emotion and let things roll off as they come. Catch 22, because when I don’t show emotion; it's said that I don't care. When I do show emotion; it goes unheard. What is a woman like me to do?

Later for this though, today is a new day and a new lesson is being learned. This woman is great in so many areas; I just need to get use to her way of doing things.

"Dramatica"

2008-08-15T11:40:00.000-05:00

I've only been knowing "Dramatica" for a few weeks now and we really hit it off on a mental level. She's an Aquarius and so am I. The mental connection was out of this world. Causing our feelings to splurge at rapid speeds. I tried to keep control of the wheel and I think I did a good job. I was just hoping that this would not end up like all the rest; with another woman committing emotional suicide. Her traits are too much like those of a Capricorn, and I CANNOT and WILL NOT deal with a Capricorn. I might as well stick a gun in my mouth and fondle the trigger.

At first, there were things that I knew I would have to get use to, because she is her own woman and she's had 34 years to get stuck in her own ways. I respected that. There was the trust issue, on top of the over dramatic issue, the double standards and the distance. At this point in my life, I know what I want in a woman and I know that it's going to take a special woman to grasp my attention and keep it. I need a woman who is comfortable with herself and does not take things out on me, because of people that hurt her in the past. I want something brought to the table other than suppressed emotional baggage. Now days, that is way too much to ask for. "Dramatica", a very intelligent woman, as far as I know; she has her own home, own car, a great career and the list goes on. None of that impresses me; whether its fact or fiction. So what? I have that to; what else you got?

So many portfolios have been brought to my table. They look so nice on the outside cover. They are colorful, well designed, well written and unique. Then the page is turned and the pink flags go up. Do I turn another page? Or realize that this isn't going to work now? I cannot lie, I am a page turner and I do give people the benefit of the doubt. I can't do that anymore. I'm getting too old for this. No more wasting my time. I know what I want and if a woman doesn't have it; I'm not sticking around. I wrote a blog about accepting people yesterday and I will do just that. I can accept a person outside of my world, they don’t need to be in it. I'm not going to mesh well with everyone I encounter. Every romantic interest will not flourish into something beautiful. I realize this.

"Dramatica" taught me some valuable lessons on this quick journey and I do appreciate them. She taught me not to be so vindictive and spiteful when things don't go my way. She taught me to truly abide by the golden rule. She taught me to be more patient. She taught me that no one will ever be like me and it's stupid of me to expect that or anything from anybody. She taught me that age is merely a number and means nothing. It just reveals exactly how long you've been holding on to the same bullshit. She taught me that I am my own soul mate and that people that come into my life are merely compliments of what I've already built within myself. I have everything I need spread out on the table and if a woman can not match what I have, then it's not going to work. I need someone to work with. I cannot back track anymore.

So "Dramatica" thanks for the experience. I am pressing on in my life's journey. No love is lost and no hard feelings developed. Peace.

The Reason - Revamped!

2008-08-14T15:47:00.001-05:00

I just posted my 100th blog on my The Life Of A Word Hustler BlogSpot and I couldn't help but to notice that I've totally neglected this blog. I anticipated this blog being where I post all my short stories, poems and what have you, but I haven't posted much of anything on here as of lately. I entitled this blog The Reason for many reasons. The reason I call myself the Word Hustler and for all the reasons why I am who I am as a person. The reason I weep, the reason I smile, the reason I laugh, the reason I'm angry and the reason I breathe. So from here on out I'm going to post my every emotion on this blog and my reasoning behind those emotions.

Love has found it's way back into my heart and with love comes a lot of pain and headaches. So yeah, I need a place where I can vent and throw my tantrums so to speak. I don't expect people to read this blog, because most know nothing about it. I'm glad of that. It's going to get personal, feelings are going to get hurt, but hey what can you do? This is my world, this is my blog and I will write what I feel; literally.

Let the stories begin.

Nikki Part VIII

2008-06-26T13:37:00.001-05:00

Nikki Part VIII

I couldn’t bear to tell my parents the entire story involving the chain of events that have been taking place for the past few weeks. I know how worried my mother can get and my dad will be in somebody’s prison trying to protect me. That’s the last thing I needed, so I told them that I just had a scare at my house and just needed to be close to them. Besides, I hadn’t seen them in quite some time. I have been so busy with my patients that I have been neglecting my poor parents. They seemed to have bought the story and didn’t say anymore about it for the rest of my unexpected trip.

I spent a few days with my parents until I decided it was time to bite the bullet and go back home. My secretary must have been going crazy, because I had 12 voicemails from her when I finally turned my phone back on. Now I felt bad for leaving her out on a limb like that. I have to do something nice for her once I got back.

The ride back wasn’t too bad; I prayed the entire way, and when I turned into my neighborhood my chest started to pound. I had a very funny feeling, but I took a deep breath and pulled into my driveway. Once I got inside everything looked the same way that I left it. I saw the light blinking on my answering machine out the corner of my eye as I was unpacking my suitcase. I glanced over and saw 12 messages. The same amount that was on my voicemail. I really didn’t want to listen to them, but my curiosity got the best of me and I pressed play.

“You have 12 new messages; first message recorded yesterday at 1:00 pm.”

“Niecey where are you? I haven’t heard from you in three days. This isn’t like you girl. I’ve called your cell phone a few times and it keeps going straight to voicemail. I hope you’re okay. Call me as soon as you get my messages.” That was Cassie and I could’ve sworn I called her the morning I arrived at my parent’s house. Why is she leaving another message?

“Second message recorded yesterday at 1:45 pm.”

“Baby girl your mother and I are worried about you. Your number keeps showing up on this here caller ID. You left in a bit of a hurry yesterday, call us soon baby. We love you and we are here if you need us.” What on earth is going on!? I just left my parent’s house. What is daddy talking about; yesterday? This does not make any sense. I sat down on the bed, because the room was beginning to spin. The next four messages were from my secretary. She sounded frantic on every one of them. Apparently Nikole Seasons has been calling the office for me every hour on the hour and is threatening her. What have I gotten myself into? I have heard of patients stalking their doctors, but this is a bit much. What does she want from me?

“Seventh message recorded yesterday at 2:12 pm.”

“Denise I need to talk to you. I am sorry for involving you; I just didn’t’ know what else to do. I needed to tell someone…” I have never heard this voice before. Who was that? I heard a bunch of rustling in the background and a loud pop. “I’m sorry Denise! I really am! Help me!” Now I knew that voice. That was Bobbie. I grabbed the phone and surfed through my caller ID to see what number she called me from. I recognized the first 6 number, but the last 6 were all from the same unknown number. I let the messages finish playing through and the next 4 messages was of the same loud pop I heard in the background of the message Bobbie left.

“Twelfth message recorded today at 2:12am.”

“Denise we need you. It’s time we all sat down and had a talk. Come to the Sunset Hotel; room 212. The door will be open.” Nikole Seasons is one person I could have gone through my entire life without meeting. I don’t know what this woman is all about, but if she wanted to talk, we could. I was ready to get down to the bottom of this and put it all behind me. I hate when my life is interrupted and now I’m pissed off.

I sped through the city and finally arrived at the Sunset Hotel. I can remember coming here a long time ago with Kelli when we first started dating. We use to have our weekend get-away here once a month. At this moment in my life I really missed her. I needed her shoulder to cry on and I needed to feel her arms around me for security. I have no idea what is happening to me, but I know that if she were here everything would be alright. I yearned for one more get-away with her, one more glass of Champaign, one more hour in the hot tub, one more kiss, and one more spine tingling orgasm; all of which use to happen right in this very Hotel.

I escaped my miserable trip down memory lane and got out of the car. As I entered the revolving doors of the Hotel, the fresh smell of pastries hit my nose. The aroma was coming from the bakery right off the lobby. Usually there were people scattered around, but there was no one in sight. I headed toward the elevators and I heard the gentleman at the front desk, “Welcome back Ms. Seasons.”

I stopped dead in my tracks. “What did you just call me?” I asked.

“Ms. Seasons?” he said looking confused.

“My name is not Ms. Seasons.” I said with a slight attitude. What the hell was wrong with him?

“Okay ma’am. I thought you were Ms. Seasons in room 212. You are the spitting image of her. You even have on the same outfit. I do apologize ma’am.” He nervously said. At this point I rushed past the elevators and to the stairs. I ran up to the second floor and took off down the hallway. I abruptly stopped when I reached room 212. The door was ajar and I slowly pushed it open. I heard sobbing noises as I walked in. I saw Nikki sitting on the end of the bed attempting to dry the ever flowing tears draining from her eyes. The front desk attendant was right; we did have on the exact same outfit.

“Nikki what is going on and where is Bobbie?” she started to sob harder and she fell from the bed to her knees. “Nikki, I need to know where Bobbie is and what the fuck is going on! Who are you?!” I yelled. I was losing my cool and that was something I never do. I kneeled down on the floor and grabbed her by the shoulders until she looked me dead in the eye. I repeated my question again, “Nikki, where is Bobbie?”

She looked at me with an enormous amount of sorrow in her eyes and said, “I am Bobbie.”

Nikki Part VII

2008-06-19T13:19:00.001-05:00

I’m really starting to feel funny. I can’t ever remember feeling like this. Today when I woke up and saw Bobbie lying next to me, this weird feeling came over my body. I tried looking into the future and couldn’t see her in it. I don’t like the thought of this. She looks so peaceful and pretty soon she won’t need me anymore. I am not ready to leave yet. I’m not too sure if I ever want to leave. Bobbie has been a special case for me. I have never cared for a person as much as I care for her. She’s like a delicate flower and one must handle her with care. I have guarded her heart and held her under my wing for safety; only to have her eventually push me out of her life. What is happening? The walls are starting to bleed red and suddenly I feel hot. I jump out of bed and she jerks awake. “What’s wrong baby?” she wiped the sleep out of her eyes adjusting to the shock of being suddenly wakened.

How do I answer this question? What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so strong and have the urge to break something? This is scaring me. I run to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. I glance in the mirror and I don’t see myself. Who is this woman staring back at me? My soft angelic face is gone. My lips are so tight that I couldn’t push a smile through them if I tried. My eyes aren’t even the same color. I hear Bobbie’s phone go off right on the other side of the bathroom door. I already know who it is. I know it’s him. He is like an annoying mosquito that won’t go away. I want to squish him between my fingers until I see the blood of his victims leak out. I look in the mirror again at this stranger. She’s not bad looking. I’ve always been beautiful, but this woman has a different demeanor about her. I curve my lips into a smirk. Yeah she’s a bad bitch; I could get use to her.

I turned the faucet off and headed back into the bedroom. I am sick of this hotel room. I am sick of being hid in the shadows while he hogs the spotlight. “I can’t talk right now Derek, I’m in church.” She said in a low whisper. The lies keep coming every day a mile a minute. When will they stop? Do I just continue to sit back and let this happen? I’m supposed to right? I mean after-all I have a specific role in this woman’s life and I have a goal that must be reached. After that is done; we’re done. I grit my teeth at the thought of this. What does she see in him anyway? Sure, I’ll give props where props are due; he is a very handsome man. He is a deadbeat though. He uses Bobbie for all she has, and let him tell it; she doesn’t have much. I make up in all areas where this bitch lacks. I always do. So why is she still sucking this nigga’s dick? “I will call you when I am on my way home okay?” she awaited his response while looking at me. “I love you too.” I rolled my eyes.

“It’s time to go Bobbie, pack your shit so you can go back home.” I said rudely as I made my side of the bed. I jerked the pillow from underneath her and she fell over. I wanted to laugh, but this wasn’t the time for jokes.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she asked with an attitude. This is something that we have gone over a few times before. I know she is not use to me getting upset about our secret relationship. Lately it’s just been taking its toll on me and I’m tired of it. “How many times do we have to go through this? He is my husband Nikki, and despite what we have; I’m not ready to reveal anything like this to anybody, let alone him.” She got off the bed and headed to the bathroom. “I thought we had this understood almost a year ago when we met. Was I wrong?” I know she wasn’t asking me that dumb ass question. Of course I know the understanding that we had. I know the understanding that I had with everyone I encountered. Was she serious?

I watched her naked body standing in front of the mirror. I have never seen a woman so meticulously sculpted. I remember thinking this same thought the very first time I laid eyes on her. I remember the night of the first time we made love; the sultry sound of her voice when she whispered the freaky things she wanted to do to me in my ear. The she made her next move her best move and chose me to be with. She appointed me as the one to ease her troubles away. We spent every moment we could together. I was her superwoman and she told me she loved me with a passion. So why is she still trapped behind the bars of her marriage? I shook my head of these thoughts, because I really wanted to get her out of my sight to be honest. “Just get ready Bobbie so we can go. Trust me when I say, this will never be brought up again.” We both finished getting ready and we checked out of our room; room 212.

I sat back for a damn year, watched and participated in those charades for too long. I was taught never to quit, and I really wanted to let Bobbie go and be miserable with her husband. I couldn’t give up though. I had to finish what I started. She has been drug in the ground by this man for fourteen years. She obviously wasn’t going to handle matters on her own, so she needed my help. It has been said before that you can’t help the helpless and you can’t rescue those who don’t want to be rescued. Misery loves company and that bitch was one hell of a hostess. To add to the bullshit cliché’s; if you can’t beat them, join them. This woman changed me and re-wrote my entire resume. Instead of saving her like I started out to do, I let her continue to be beaten every night by him. We kept up our normal routine and our regular visits to room 212. I love that number! 212 was the number found on the key that I purposely planted in Bobbie and her husband’s home. When he found out she was having an affair with an unknown person, he knocked two of her teeth out and punched her in the face twelve times. It wasn’t until he ran over her with his truck that she was left in a coma. She rested in St. John’s hospital, room 212. Derek fled the state, but was later found with two bullet holes to the head and twelve stab wounds to the chest. His body was flown back to his hometown where he was buried in Memorial Cemetery; row two, slot twelve. Bobbie was finally free of that filth she was with. When she came out of her coma, she lost her mind when she found out that her husband had been killed. What a dumb bitch! This man almost killed her and she was still crying over him. I guess her compunctious feelings got the best of her. So, instead of recovering, she went in a downward spiral until she was locked in an insane asylum; room 212.

The unfortunate series of events people bring on themselves. If only she would have loved me like she said she did. Let go of all else and let me handle everything. She could have been sitting pretty right now. She doesn’t have to be laying here in my arms like this. She looks so peaceful. I could look at her forever. I just might do that, hell, who is going to stop me? As I said, I’m unstoppable. I sat back rocking her in my arms; my delicate flower. I looked over at the clock on the nightstand. Guess what time it is? 2:12 a.m…

Nikki Part VI

2008-06-12T12:52:00.000-05:00

Red and blue lights filled my living room from the squad cars swarmed in front of my house. I sat there staring at that tan tote bag I laid on my kitchen counter when I retrieved it from outside my backdoor. I was so lost and confused in my own thoughts that I was not listening to a word that was coming out of the young police woman’s mouth. “Ma’am, did you see anybody on the deck or in the backyard?” I slowly looked in the police woman’s eyes for the first time. She had been there for about fifteen minutes and I hadn’t seen what she looked like until then. She stood there with a look of concern on her face and a note pad in her hand. “Ms. Washington, are you okay?” she asked.

“Yes, I’m fine. No, I didn’t see anyone outside. It was pitch black.” I said.

“You didn’t turn your deck light on?” She asked raising one eyebrow.

I thought for a brief moment. I do remember turning on the light when I checked to see if the door was locked. “Oh my God.” I rubbed the back of my neck. I do this when I am worrying or deeply stressed about something. “I know for a fact I turned on that light and locked my back door. It’s like a nightly ritual I go through. I never forget to do those things.” I said, hoping to convince the officer that I wasn’t losing my mind.

“The perimeter is secure!” a tall lean police officer said coming from the bedroom. I really don’t know why he was back there, nobody came in the house. I suppose that was just part of his job. I am just glad the police responded so promptly. Had I been in the hood, I would’ve been dead by now.

“Ms. Washington, would you like a squad car to stay parked outside of your home for security?” The police woman asked.

“No, no I believe I’ll be fine. I’m just a little shaken up from the shock. I really do appreciate you all responding to quickly.” I gave them all a half smile and started walking toward the front door. I really just wanted to go to sleep. All three officers headed out the door. I know the neighbors are going to love this. Not one, two, but three cap cars lighting up the block at the only black woman’s home in the subdivision. “Thank you again officers,” I closed the door and checked the lock a billion times. As I was walking toward the back door I noticed that one of the officers had swept up the glass I broke when the alarm sounded off. That was sweet of them, because Lord knows I didn’t feel like doing that tonight. I had a funny feeling in my gut as I approached he back door. It was locked for sure. I tried to switch on the light, but for some strange reason it didn’t come on. I know that I just changed the bulb two days ago. Maybe I am just really tripping. Perhaps I pop too many Tylenol P.Ms every night. I took the tan tote bag off the counter top and opened it. It felt like it was empty, but there was a single piece of paper inside. It was a receipt from Toni’s Bar and Grill; the place where Bobbi and I had lunch a couple weeks ago. I looked over the items on the list. It was the exact same thing that she had when we were there; a pulled pork sandwich, wedge potatoes fries and a raspberry iced tea.

I decided to call Bobbie and get to the bottom of this. This is some shit that I’d rather not be going through right now, and I was going to end it. I hit redial on the phone, because she was the last person who I dialed before this insanity took place. There were a couple of rings and the line was picked up. “Hello Denise.” I wanted to speak, but no words would come out of my mouth. That was not Bobbie’s voice. I quickly hung up the phone. I knew that voice. It was a voice that was becoming more and more familiar to me; the voice of Nikole Seasons. What the fuck is going on! I dialed Bobbie’s number manually this time. “The number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up and dial again,” said the voice on the other end. I just called this girl. How in the world was her phone disconnected that fast?

That was the last straw. I ran to my closet, grabbed my emergency suitcase, my keys and my cell phone. I set the alarm and hit the front door. You don’t have to tell me twice when it’s time to get the hell out of dodge. I decided I was going to hit the highway and make that 3 hour drive to my parent’s house. The comfort of my parents could cure cancer. I had a full tank of gas so I had no need to make any stops. I called my office and left a message for my secretary and told her to cancel all appointments for the next week.

I made it to my parent’s town around 4:00 that morning. I felt bad because I knew they would be sleeping. I had a spare key to their house, so I quietly entered. I tip toed to their bedroom and I heard both of them snoring. I didn’t even want to go up to my old room. I went straight to the linen closet, got a blanket and made a pallet right there on the floor at the foot of their bed. I felt better already being in their presence. I let the soft sounds of their snoring eventually drift off to sleep.

“Wake up baby girl.” I heard my dad’s voice as he lightly shook me. I slowly got up. “When did you get here?” He asked obviously surprised.

“Hey daddy, I got here early this morning. I am sorry I didn’t call ahead of time, but I needed to see you guys.”

“Hey baby! She’s awake.” He called out to my mama. She came running in the room. “What’s wrong sugar? Everythang alright back at home?” I knew he was worried about me. I looked up at mama; they both were.

“No daddy. Some crazy things have been going on. I’ll explain in a little bit. I am hungry though. Let’s go get some breakfast; my treat.” I said getting up about to head to the bathroom to freshen up.

“That sounds good to me, but before we head out. Somebody has been calling the house for the past two hours asking for you.” Mama said.

“Who is it? Is it Cassie?” I just remembered I hadn’t told her I was coming out here either. She was probably worried, since I haven’t called her like I do every morning.

“No, no it wasn’t Cassie. It was…hold on. I wrote it down on a piece of paper. You know my memory slips me something bad child.” She went into the kitchen to retrieve her note. “It was some child by the name of Nikki…”

Six Million Ways

2008-06-09T15:48:00.000-05:00

Six million ways to die
Six million ways to to rid the thought of you
No more smiles
No more laughs
No more memories
No more heartaches

You left me cold and alone
You left me with no good reason
You left me with these thoughts
These memories
These heartaches

These contemplations

Is there a way out?
What creates my own madness?

Am I addicted to your punishment?
Are you my master?
Am I awaiting my disaster?

I refuse.

I'm sick of years and years of your face

Your face etched on my brain

why won't it erase?

what have you done to me?

You wanted me gone so why won't you leave?

Go!
Get the fuck out!

Now!

You sick fuck.
Are you amused?

Go ahead, laugh now.

Today marks your last day

I have six million choices

Six million ways to rid you

I'll never look back

Because I don't want to

I won't have to

You no longer exist to me
I finally beat you

Between my happiness and sadness
I just calculated what creates
my own madness

You just took your last breath in my mind
No more laughs
No smiles
No more memories
No more heartaches

One out of six million ways

I feel irrational

so confrontational

In reality

I just got away with murder

The day I killed you in my mind
is the same day you call...

Did you feel me?

Nikki Part V

2008-06-05T13:33:00.000-05:00

Oh how I hate Monday mornings, but I am up anyway thanking God that I am able to live another day nonetheless. These past couple of weeks has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I have been trying my hardest to keep myself occupied and buried in my work so that I won’t think about Kelli. I have received many calls from her telling me how much she misses me and how sorry she was about everything. I refuse to give into that nonsense. I have come to realize that the relationship in which we had ran its course and now that it’s over, there should be no looking back. I know I am weak for this woman still, but I have played the role of a fool for as long as I can remember. How can she expect to leave me for some tramp, have her fun and then attempt to walk back into my life? I don’t think so.

Besides the idiotic behavior of my ex, I have been trying my best to get in touch with Bobbie again. Her antics on our last encounter really worried me. I told Cassie about the situation and I honestly don’t know why I even talk to that girl. She is of no help at all.

“Bobbie is crazy anyway, just like all those other loony tunes you waste your time on!” she said sipping her iced coffee. We just had a long day of shopping and decided to stop in the book store for awhile.

“Please stop referring to my patients as loony tunes. And I don’t think doing my job is a waste of time. It’s called a career. You should try getting one, instead of bad mouthing mine.” I retorted rolling my eyes. Sometimes I could not stand her ass. She is a woman with no tact what so ever. I often envision grabbing the nearest object and smacking her upside the head.

“Whatever. Living my life is my career. I am not going to be trapped in the prison of what you call education for 15 years just to work for someone else.” This is coming from a woman that ironically has a Masters degree and is doing absolutely nothing with it. “I am happy working for myself and I didn’t need anyone to get me where I am today.” She hissed at me.

I really wasn’t in the mood to entertain her madness today. “Anyway Cassandra, do you think I should refer this Nikki woman to another colleague? I mean I feel a conflict of interest evolving you know?” I asked quickly changing the subject.

“I think you should at least get the down low on it all first. You can’t assume anything until you find out exactly what is going on. Or in this case, what exactly went on. Besides, I want to know damnit!” I knew she had ulterior motives for that response. “You better not dismiss that woman before we get the scoop.” I thought it over for a few moments and decided to continue with our sessions. I also decided I would try to give Bobbie a call one last time. Not just to probe for information, but because I honestly was concerned about my old friend.

Cassie and I finished up our shopping day and I was pooped. She had to go pick up my God-daughter from her Grandma’s house anyway, so we parted ways late that evening. When I got home I ran myself a hot bubble bath to soak in. My bones were aching from walking all day. I definitely couldn’t stroll through a mall in heels for hours on end like I use to. The water feels heavenly when its warmth caresses my skin. I drifted into my own fantasy world when I remembered that I had a call to make.

For some reason I was nervous and I felt the butterflies dancing around in my stomach when I picked up my cordless phone on the side of the bathtub. I dialed Bobbie’s number cowardly hoping to get her answering machine. I released a heavy sign when she picked up on the fourth ring, “Hello?”

“Hello Bobbie, this is Denise. How are you doing?” I nervously asked. There was a pregnant pause and for some reason I felt she might hang up on me, but she didn’t.

“Hi Denise, I am doing well. How are you doing?” She hesitantly responded.

“I am doing okay. I am glad to hear you’re doing well Bobbie. You have been on my mind since our last lunch date. I was wondering if I said something wrong to run you off like that. I sincerely apologize if I did. Have you gotten my messages?” I asked.

“Yes, I got them. You didn’t say anything wrong. You just ruffled some feathers from the past. You know how that goes. So how do you know Nikole?” she asked.

I am glad she jumped right into the conversation, because I honestly didn’t know how I was going to work that topic in there. Then I thought about it. When I first met Nikki, she said that Bobbie had referred her to me. That’s odd. Completely puzzled, I said, “She came by my house in the case of an emergency and said that she was referred to me by you.”

More silence. “Did she?”

I don’t think she expected an answer to that question. “So I guess I should be asking how you know her.” I had a bad vibe about this situation. I never had this feeling while talking to Bobbie. The hot water in my bath suddenly turned cold and gave me the shivers.

“There is a lot that has happened over the past year Denise. I was in the hospital after being severely beaten by my husband at the time and I met Nikole there.”

“Oh my goodness! I had no idea Bobbie! I knew you never returned any of my calls, but I thought you were just busy. Is this ex husband of yours in jail? He is your ex right?” I had to ask, because oddly enough even after being severely beaten, some women still stay with those losers. I am just glad she is okay, because there are some women who also don’t live to retell the story.

“He’s dead. I actually have Nikole to thank for getting me through that period of my life. I also have to thank her for taking me through an even worse time.” Her tone changed quickly. It seems like every time she said that name, I could hear teeth grinding through the phone. “I don’t know what business you have with her Denise, but you need to push her out as soon as you can.”

“Why is that? She happens to be one of my patients now. The day she came to my home she said she urgently needed some help and I have been providing that for her.” I said in her defense.

“You don’t know what she is capable of!” she yelled. “I am sorry for yelling, but I don’t want you to end up like I did.” She was actually starting to scare me. What the hell is with this woman? She seems normal outside of her life’s problems that could happen to any of us. “I have to go Denise, but please listen to me. Whatever is going on in your life, try to get through it by yourself!”

“How could you possibly…” I heard the dial tone in my ear. How did she know I was going through anything in my life? This was all getting a little too weird for me. That was definitely not the same Bobbie that I was use to. Something terrible happened to her, and it’s going to be harder than I thought to find out what that is.

I got out of the tub and dried off. I rubbed myself down with baby lotion and slipped into my blue silk robe. I went into the kitchen to down a couple of Tylenol P.Ms. My head was now pounding from all the confusion. I grabbed a class from the cabinet. My security alarm pierced my ears and the glass in my hand dropped to the floor and shattered at my feet. My phone rang which made my heart skip another beat. I carefully dodged the glass on the floor and picked up the phone.

“Is everything okay?” It was the security company.

“I don’t know, the alarm just went off while I was standing here in the kitchen.” I said, looking around the house. I walked towards the back door and saw it was half way open. “My back door is open! I know I didn’t leave it open, because I actually checked the lock before I set the alarm.”

“Ma’am the police are in route to your home. Would you like me to stay on the phone with you until they arrive?” I heard the man ask me. I was too shocked when I saw a tan tote bag lying on the outside of the door. The same tote bag Bobbie carried with her the last time I saw her.

Nikki Part IV

2008-05-29T11:33:00.000-05:00

Nikki Part III

2008-05-22T15:46:00.000-05:00

It had been three weeks since I planned to take my life and Nikole Seasons, who calls herself Nikki, indirectly saved me from doing so. Come to find out she came to me by way of my old college roommate, Bobbie Kees. I have received many referrals from tons of clients, family members, and friends, but none of them can hold a candle to Nikole Seasons. She is absolutely flawless; standing about 5 feet 9 inches, golden caramel complexion, tight oval shaped eyes, full luscious lips with perfect teeth to match. She was gorgeous on the outside; with a body that could bring any woman or man to their knees. However, on the inside there seemed to be a million volcanoes erupting all at once. Let’s face it, she is a mess! The day she showed up on my doorstep she ended up staying for three hours. She totally helped me escape my own issues. Usually in cases of emergencies I charge double by the hour, but I couldn’t convince myself to take her money even if I wanted to. I was for sure in no need of it. I had been blessed to be named the top psychologist with the most clients in my office. So having one case on the house was no problem.

It took her quite some time to warm up to me, and that is quite understandable, because I was a complete stranger. Here she was in my living room attempting to empty her mental space and place it in my hands. I told her to take her time and only share as much information with me that she felt comfortable to. There were a few moments of silence and during these times I took the time to look at her. She was indeed a well groomed woman; youthful with a sense of elegance that I hadn’t encountered before. There was no doubt that his woman took pride in herself and her appearance. I have known women like this to be someone who uses their physical beauty to cover up the mental bruises they portray. All those insecurities that lie within them. I could not help but to wonder would she be just like the rest of those women as I sate there tracing the frame of her perfectly sculptured body.

“I know you must think I’m crazy and I sincerely want to extend my apologies once again for showing up on such short notice.” She said with her eyes plastered to the pants of her white business suit. She looked up at me with such remorse and my heart instantly went out to her. “It’s just that lately I have been struggling with so many emotions that I knew if I didn’t talk to someone soon I would completely lose it.”

“Well, I am glad that you decided to speak to someone. Most people don’t recognize the dangers of stress and don’t act on their problems until something traumatic occurs. So kudos to you for that.” I sate there feeling so unprepared. I know I should have had my legal pad and recorder in front of me, but I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable than she already was. I would have to wing this one and depend on my memory alone. “So what exactly have you been struggling with lately Nikole? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Oh Dr. Washington! My life has made a complete 360 in the past two months. Things weren’t perfect, but they were manageable. I had a wonderful career, a healthy bank account, a loving family, great friends, and the world was at my fingertips. I did not break when I lost the biggest case of my career. I didn’t break when my house burned down with everything that I owned inside. I didn’t break when my childhood friend of 31 years sexually assaulted and raped me. I didn’t break when I found out I was pregnant with his child. It wasn’t until my other half, my sanity, my identical twin took her life.” Tears were streaming down her face by this time. I felt a lump in my throat as well, because this was a ton of misery for just one person to take on.

I walked over to my fireplace and grabbed the box of Kleenex and handed them to her. “I can see how all of this would break you Nikole. I honestly wouldn’t know how to handle so much at one time myself. You prove to be a very strong woman.”

“I was raised to be strong and to never let anything or anyone cause me to fall on my face. I was taught that every hurdle can be jumped no matter how high. But when I walked into my sister’s condo and saw her hanging from the banister of her staircase, I fell flat on my face.” She wiped her nose and dried her face. “I lost it that day. And the world that I once had, ended.”

“I know that you mentioned you and your sister were close. Were you aware of any problems that she might’ve had that would make her take her life?” I asked, as I sat there marinating in my own guilt. I felt so selfish and horrible for what I was about to do one second before this woman knocked on my door. I sat there looking at how miserable she was. Look at how much sorrow was in her life now that her sister was gone. I couldn’t imagine taking my best friend and family through this type of pain.

“She was a free spirit. She lived her life on the edge and this was something that I was always envious of. I was the one who always had to have such a structured life and I worried about everything. She spent most of her days trying to get me to loosen up. That’s why I don’t understand why she would kill herself!” she laid her head on the back of my couch and stared at the ceiling for quite some time. I wanted to interject, but I decided against it. “Her and my parents didn’t get along. She always jokingly said that if she were to die, they wouldn’t care, because all they cared about was me anyway. I never took her seriously on this matter, because mom and dad loved her.”

“How do your parents feel now? What were their conditions after the…funeral?” Speaking of death with my clients was something that I wasn’t comfortable with. I was trained not to hesitate in any of my words and deliverance when dealing with clients, but sometimes it is hard. I took a deep breath and awaited her response.

“Well my mother was a wreck. I knew it was more guilt than anything. My dad didn’t show much emotion. He didn’t cry at her funeral, but when he speaks of her now the sorrow in which he feels seeps through his pores. I know they both feel bad for the relationship that they chose to have or not have with her, but now it’s too late.” She rubbed her stomach. “It’s too late for a lot of things…”

“Lots of things like what?” I asked.

“Once I finally came to grips with the fact that I had life growing inside of me, it was too late.” She started to cry again. “I hated that life at first. I selfishly only thought about me and I just knew that my career would be jeopardized because of this “curse” that was placed inside of me.” She shook her head back and forth. “He showed me. God has made me pay for my thoughts. He allowed me to grow to love the child within me and then He took it away from me!”

“Did you miscarriage?” I asked.

“Yes.” She said with a light chuckle. She dabbed her eyes dry again. “And here I was so worried about the baby ruining my career and I lost the biggest case of my career on my own!” She looked back up to the ceiling and yelled, “I hear you loud and clear! I get it!”

“Nikole, I don’t know if you are a religious woman, but I must say that I don’t believe God does anything to purposely hurt us. Things happen in our lives that are meant to teach us a lesson, but Satan is the cause of all evil. I don’t think that God took the lives of your sister and your unborn child.” I hope that I didn’t overstep the code of ethics by dabbling too much into the whole religion thing.

“Maybe you’re right. Perhaps all of this was just mapped into my life’s timeline and design. Who knows? I just want to know how the hell am I going to get through this one with all my marbles still accounted for, you know?” She rhetorically asked.

“Yes, I know. Like I said earlier, it is quite apparent that you are a very strong woman with a great deal of common sense. I know that this is indeed a very high hurdle to jump and I am here to help you whenever you need it. Don’t hesitate to call me when you feel the need to. Besides, any friend of Bobbi’s is a friend of mine”, I smiled at her hoping to bring some light into her world as impossible as I thought it was at the moment.

To my surprise she smiled back. “I do thank you again Dr. Washington for allowing me into your home and listening to me spill my guts.” She laughed. “I don’t want this to be the last time that we speak and I know that I will need more than just this one session.” She reached into her purse and handed me her business card. “Please give me a call at my office so that we can set up something more legit and professional so to speak. I know your services aren’t free. In fact, here you go.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a hundred dollar bill. “Please take this, because I can’t leave here without paying you for just listening to me. You have no idea how much was lifted off of me just venting out to you.”

I pushed her hand away. “I will not accept your monies Nikole. You came here on behalf of a very dear friend of mine. I couldn’t possibly charge you for this. Let’s just consider this one on the house.” I winked as I got up from my love seat. “We will indeed set up regular appointments for you to attend at my office. Then I’ll have to take your money,” I laughed. We both headed for the door. “Well thank you for allowing me to listen to you today Nikole, and please expect my call sometime tomorrow afternoon.” I said opening the front door so she could depart.

“Please call me Nikki, Dr. Washington. I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of your evening.” She said walking out into the darkness of the night to her car.

I did call her the next day to set up our first appointment which is scheduled for today. I got in touch with Bobbie a couple days after my first encounter with Nikki. Now that she and I are well off into our separate lives and careers we don’t have much time for one another now days. Every blue moon we get together for lunch just to catch up on times that have slipped by us. It is always an enjoyable occasion and a pleasure to see how successful my friend has become. However, this last occasion was quite different. Everything was going well until I mentioned her name. The name of the woman who seems to become more and more mysterious with every thought that she steals in my mind. When I spoke the name of Nikole Seasons you would’ve thought Bobbie had seen a ghost. Needless to say our lunch date was cut short that day. I am curious to know why and I will find out sooner than later.

The Cure Part II

2008-05-19T12:31:00.000-05:00

Sara couldn’t function all week, because she was anticipating her first date with Michael Garner. So many questions ran through her head; what was she to wear? What was he going to wear? What movie were they going to see? What if he finds out he doesn’t like her after all? Her mind was indeed sending her on rollercoaster ride.

She was so excited about her big date that she decided to share the news with her big sister Janett, whom she secretly looked up to. Janett was the eldest and prettiest of all of her sisters and the smartest. In Sara’s eyes, Janett was the total package; the beauty and the brains. Even though she treated Sara like crap, she still valued her big sister’s opinion. “Hey Janett guess what?” Sara perked as she poked her head in her sister’s bedroom. She scanned around the room looking at all the boxes scattered on the floor. Sara wasn’t too thrilled that her big sister was moving out of the house to go live with her lame boyfriend. He claimed he wanted to keep his family in close quarters and that way he could be a better father to his son. Little did he know, just by them moving in with him would not make him a better father. Sara hated Jared, and she always made it a point to let him know that every time he came around. She was definitely going to miss her nephew though. She had gotten used to the little guy around the house; even if he did keep half the family up at all hours of the night.

Janett was sitting on her queen size bed rocking Jared Jr. to sleep. She looked up at Sara with disgust in her eyes. “What’s up?” She asked dryly.

Sara ignored her attitude as usual and proceeded to tell her the news. “I have a date on Friday night with this boy from my school named Michael Garner!” she exclaimed.

“Shhh! Can’t you see I’m trying to put the baby to sleep? Calm your little ass down girl.” She said rolling her eyes at her.

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to share my exciting news with you and ask for some pointers on my first date, that’s all.” Sara said now sounding a little disappointed with her big sister’s unenthused response.

“Whatever, why on earth is this boy interested in you?” she asked.

“What do you mean? He likes me, I guess.”

“I mean why does he like you? He must be a nerd lover.” She laughed.

Sara didn’t find the insult funny. In fact, she found it to be quite hypocritical coming from someone who was just as smart as she was. Janett always denied the fact that she enjoyed school. She would sneak in her room to read books and do all of her extra credit projects. She dumbed herself down just so she wouldn’t be ridiculed for her intelligence. She even turned down a college scholarship and instead when on to get a cosmetology license. Soon thereafter she met Jared and got pregnant with Jared Jr.
“Look, just go out with him and have a good time. Don’t do anything stupid and if he tries anything stupid; knee him in the nuts”, she advised obviously seeing the look of hurt in Sara’s eyes.

“Thanks, do you think a nice blouse and some jeans would be okay to wear to the movies?” Sara inquired.

“Yes, that’ll be fine, being that you’re just going to the movies. Now get out of here so I can lay him down and finish packing.” She said getting up to put Jared Jr. in his crib.

“Alright, well thanks again Janett.” Sara closed her bedroom door and went down the hall to her own room. With so many people in the house, Sara managed to still have her own room. None of the other kids wanted to sleep in the same room with her, because they said she was weird and boring. This was another reason why she couldn’t wait to get out of the house and go away to school. She already had academic scholarship offers from three different major Universities. It was just a matter of picking which one. She hadn’t even bothered informing her parents yet, because she wanted to make her decision first. Just thinking about it made the hairs on the back of her neck stand at attention. She sat on her twin size bed and day dreamed about dorm life and all the new people she would meet that loved learning as much as she did. She couldn’t wait! As for that moment, she needed to figure out which outfit would be best for her date with Michael Garner.

“Sara pick up the telephone!” Janice yelled from behind her bedroom door.

Who could be calling her at this time? It was almost 9:00 p.m, and besides no one ever calls her other than Jackie. She knew that’s not who it was, because she was at her Wednesday night bible study. She slowly picked up the receiver of her telephone. “Hello, this is Sara,” she said. She heard Janice press the talk button on her cordless phone hanging up on her and whoever was on the other end of the line.

She had heard his voice hundreds of times at school, but she didn’t realize how deep it was until now. “Hey Sara”, Michael said.

“Hey.” Is all she managed to get out.

“This is Michael. I’m sorry for calling you so late, I hope I didn’t get you in trouble.” He said with a sense of sincerity.

“Oh no, you’re fine. My parents don’t trip too much about us talking on the phone as long as we’re off before midnight.” Which reminded her; she needed to go open her bedroom door, because that was also a rule. No talking on the phone with boys with the bedroom door closed. Mama said she had enough unexpected grandbabies already and she wasn’t trying to have anymore.

“Cool, so what are you up to?” he asked.
“Nothing much; just getting my clothes together for school in the morning,” she lied. She had finally decided on the perfect outfit for their date in a couple days. However, she didn’t want to seem too thirsty.

“Oh okay, I should probably start doing that too. Maybe it wouldn’t take so long to get ready in the mornings.” He laughed at himself. I could tell that he was someone who took much pride in his appearance. He was always coordinated with his outfits which caught the attention of a lot of ladies in our class. “Anyway, I decided to use your number, because I had a feeling you wouldn’t actually use mine.” He said.

He was right; she hadn’t planned on using his number. They had exchanged numbers earlier that week as a security in case anything came up before their date. She was a nervous wreck just talking to him in person; she sure wasn’t going to go out of her way to call him on the telephone. She let out a nervous laugh, “I didn’t know you were expecting a call from me.”

“I don’t expect anything, but I know how shy you are around me, so that’s why I just took it upon myself to make the first call.” He cleared his throat, “Besides, I had to check and see if we were still on for Friday. I didn’t see you around school today.” He said.

“Yeah, I was in the counselor’s office most of the day reviewing college admission material.” She said. “Oh, and to cure your curiosity, yes we still are on for Friday.”

“Oh yeah, I will have my turn with all that good stuff next week. And thank you for reassuring me. I am definitely looking forward to spending time with you.” There was a knock in his background that quickly grabbed his attention. Sara thanked God for whoever was knocking. “I have to get going Sara, but it sure was nice to hear your voice. I hope to see you tomorrow.” He said.

“Yes, you’ll see me tomorrow in class and it was nice talking to you as well. Have a good night.” She said.

“Thanks; you too.” He hung up the phone.

Sara replaced the receiver on its base. She got up to close her door when she saw her twin Brother Sean standing outside in the hall. He was the only boy, with the exception of their six month old baby brother still making his first impressions on the Gibbs household. Sara had heard so many stories about twins and how close they were, how they know what the other twin is feeling and so on and so forth, but her brother and she had never been close. She remembered having to be near by him, because of the simple fact that they were twins, but they were nothing alike. Their six sisters adored Sean and would do anything for him. He was definitely the household favorite. He was just like one of the girls and was not ashamed of it. His sexuality had been questioned plenty of times, but mama and the girls have made it clear that they will accept him no matter which gender he preferred. Daddy just ignores it whenever he is home; keeping his comments to himself. Her brother was obviously battling his sexuality and it has become more and more of an issue for him over the past year now. She’s heard the rumors at school and has even had to take up for him on multiple occasions even though she knew he wouldn’t do the same for her. Unlike the rest of the family, she realized that blood is thicker than water and she’d do anything for them.

Sara held the door and returned his glare, “What can I do for you Sean?” She asked.

He smacked his lips; which is something he always does before he says anything. “So I hear you’re going out on a date with Michael Garner.” He said with major attitude.

“As a matter of fact I am. What of it?”

“You’re stupid, that’s what’s of it.” He folded his arms in front of his bare chest.

“And how am I stupid Sean? I really am sick of you and everybody else’s attitude around here toward me. I’m not asking anyone to be happy for me or even give a damn for that matter, but I really don’t have to put up with your shit.” She stated getting a little heated.

“No you don’t have to take our shit, but you have all of your damn life. Why stop now? He stepped closer to her as if he might swing on her. “Don’t let this so called date with Michael Garner gas you up too much sweetie.” He said.

Sara took a step back, “Whatever Sean” she sad as she slammed the door in his face.

“Don’t get mad Sara and don’t say I didn’t try to warn you. Michael Garner is the biggest locker room homo in the school! Good luck with that twin sis!” He laughed as he went back to his room and slammed the door.

Did she just hear him correctly? Michael Garner is homosexual? A locker room homosexual? She didn’t know exactly what that meant, but she decided to ignore Sean’s weak attempts to ruffle her feathers. Sara stretched out on her bed and resumed her day dream about their date and the possible sexual endeavors that could arise. If Michael Garner was a homosexual, she definitely had the cure for it.

Nikki Part II

2008-05-15T08:26:00.000-05:00

Why can't things ever go my way when it comes to love? Why can't I meet the perfect woman for me? Who am I fooling? I realize that nobody is perfect, but damn for the past ten years of my life I have been striking out big time when it comes to the so called department of love. I have been walked on, spit on, cheated on, and taken full advantage of; I am truly sick of it. Am I under some type of evil curse? I know that I'm not an easy woman to get along with, but give me a break! Somebody is bound to be out there that knows how to handle a woman like me. I thought I found her, especially after I gave her the best part of me; which was my everything!

"Don't worry yourself to death about this Denise. You are much too strong of a woman to be sulking behind some lost love". This, coming from the mouth of my best friend of twelve years. Cassandra has been in my corner through thick and thin. Every good and bad point in my life, she was there. So her opinion is one that I value very deeply, but she was also the most cynical person I knew as well. She has never been in love unconditionally. So her opinion on this matter was biased. "Why are people so hung up on love anyway?" she asked. "I mean, if you ask me, love highly overrated. My heart is much too valuable to be giving it away all willy nilly"! she exclaimed.

"Cassie please! This is not what I need right now. I really just want to be depressed in peace. I gave this woman the past seven years of my life and for her to just walk away as if I were nothing makes me feel like crap. So if you'll excuse me, I need to be alone." I said, attempting to give her an invitation out of my house. When she found out that Kelli had left me earlier that day, she hurried to be by my side, equipped with cheesecake and a big tub of French vanilla Blue Bell ice cream. Whenever we suffer from any type of heartache, we retreat to our Golden Girl therapy session. Cassie truly did know how to cheer me up and I appreciate all of her attempts today, but it's just not working this time. Stick a fork in me, because Denise Washington is finally done.

"So you're kicking me out?" she asked obviously catching on to my hint.

"Yeah girl I'm sorry, but I'm just not in the mood to talk anymore." I said getting up from my favorite cream colored recliner.

"Well due to the circumstances, I will show you empathy and leave you be, but you better call me the moment you feel up to talking to me. Okay?" she was already at the door waiting for my response. I smiled slightly, because my friend is such a beautiful woman. I loved everything about her; I just couldn't help but to smile every time I was in her presence. Sometimes I hated that she had that effect on me.

"Okay, I promise." We exchanged hugs and kisses on the cheek and she was gone. When I closed my front door my world started to shrink by the millisecond. I knew that it was taking all of me to keep my composure in front of Cassie, and I am glad she left when she did, because I couldn't hold it any longer. I broke down to my knees right in the foyer of my little two story red brick home. My heart was aching something terrible and I thought for a moment that I might be having a heart attack. I grabbed my chest as it tightened and I began to sweat profusely. At that point I didn't care if I died or not, so I didn't bother thinking about dialing 911. What was the point of me living? The love of my life was gone with no good reason at all. She was my everything and my life is nothing without her. No one would really care if I were to leave this earth today. My place in this world is non-existent. I literally felt my heart breaking in two as I crawled to my kitchen leaving a trail of my sweat and tears behind me. My daddy always told me as a beautiful young woman living alone, I should keep protection. So I kept crawling until I reached the drawer where I stored that source of protection. I felt around until my fingertips came into contact with the cold steel of a .38 Smith and Wesson.

I felt the sharp impression the handle of my bottom cabinet was making in the small of my back. I gripped the steel that was now in my lap. "How could she do this to me?!" I screamed out loud. "She will feel pain when she finds out that my brains are blown all over my kitchen floor because of her." I double checked to see if I actually had bullets to even prove this point I was determined to make. I think I saw one, but it's hard to tell with these tears blurring my vision. Fuck it. All signs say go. I thought about writing a note, but if I did, that would cause everyone to think I did it for attention. That is not the case, because this world is truly better off without me in it. I guess love won the war. My apologies go out to my best friend, my parents and to God, because I know this will indeed give me a one way ticket to hell. However, if that is where home is, then I am ready to reside.

I shivered at the feeling of the icy barrel against my temple. I shut my eyes tightly and fingered the trigger. I was getting ready to squeeze when I heard a bang on my front door, which scared the hell out of me. I slowly opened my eyes. "This is so not the time", I said. Apparently a person can't commit suicide in peace now days without interruption. I heard the bang again; only this time it was louder. The only reason I wanted to get the door is because I thought it might be Cassie coming back for something she'd forgotten. Being that she has the key and could just walk in; I didn't want her to catch me in the act, so I eased the gun back in the drawer and got up from the floor. I cut through the living room and glanced out the window for her car, but the shiny black cutlass supreme sitting in my driveway didn't belong to Cassie.

"Who is it?" I asked tip toeing up to the peephole. Oddly I didn't see anyone; neither did I get an answer. I opened the door and what was a sunny day, was now a dark and gloomy day. I felt a cold gust of wind enter into my home when she appeared. She was breath taking and seemed to make the world stop spinning with her smile.

"I'm sorry, I'm looking for Denise Washington. Is this her residence?" she asked with such politeness.

"I'm Denise Washington," finally regaining control over my vocal cords.

She took a few steps closer and extended her right hand toward me, "I do apologize for stopping by under such urgent circumstances, but I was referred to you by a friend of mine and I need to talk to you." Her hand was still hanging untouched in the air waiting for my acceptance.

I was dumbfounded when I finally grabbed her hand. With my line of work, I get these kinds of encounters all of the time, but never have any of my clients been as stunning as she. "What is your name"? I asked out of curiosity.

I felt her fingers tighten around my hand causing me to look directly into her sandy colored eyes. I suddenly became lost in some sort of trance when she whispered, "You can just call me Nikki."